We’re going to be okay.

Well.

I want to write, but I don’t know what to say.

I could write about how under attack our marriage feels at times. Infertility & loss can feel so isolating, even between a husband and wife. Thank God those moments are the exception rather than the rule, but I understand how without a lot of prayer & diligence it could all start to feel very overwhelming. I keep quoting “Do not gloat over us enemy!” {from Micah 7} and singing this powerful song about standing in strength when the rain falls…even daring the rain to fall harder. {Except….let’s not let it rain harder right now. Okay then.}

Or I could write about how I swing between feeling numb or with emotions lurking just right under the surface. We took a kindergarten field trip today to Lowe’s for a building project and I had to fight to keep from crying while I watched the kids happily hammering away. I don’t even know why.

I’m so perplexed by God and how He could call us to do this knowing that this would be the outcome that I can’t even begin to know what else to say about that. I feel like I have a big fat question mark hanging over my head when I think about what in the world we are going to do moving forward, so obviously there’s nothing else to say there.

Or how, in spite of the pain & disappointment, how much joy & honor…pride & wonder I feel when I think about what God has done in our life over the last year and a half. It seems as though it all would be diametrically opposed, but somehow it’s not.

Maybe I could try to explain how what Chris really wanted/needed, which was to limit our openness with others about this second transfer, has turned out to be quite the opposite of what I needed when it was all said and done. He felt like he had to tell and retell others about the outcome of the first transfer, but I feel like the bulk of that really fell to me. {Well, I had to tell most of the people who we know and interact with regularly, he had to answer questions from a bunch of randoms that he randomly told.} So this time around, he has had less people to tell and I’ve basically had the same amount, only spread out over a longer period of time. And because they didn’t know the transfer was happening in the first place, it feels as though most are either less interested or afraid to give much of a response when I share the news. {Not to say I haven’t received beautiful shows of support from those closest to me…they have been wonderful and so caring.} I don’t know. It’s just lonely. I’m just not sure where I fit these days I guess, and it’s hard. People don’t know what to say to me, and I don’t know what to say to myself.

I’d rather not write about how I am really out of excuses and need to get serious about losing some weight. Between eating my feelings and some weight I’d like to blame on the fertility meds {even though I have no idea if they are to blame at all}, it’s not helping how I feel about myself.

So yes. Still sorting. Still processing. Still scratching my head and crying in the car and buying books about grief & pregnancy loss on my kindle because somehow this transfer loss feels more like a miscarriage than the first one did. I had little lives inside me and they died inside me, and that’s just really devastating to think about.ย 

But we’re going to be okay. And then one day we’ll be more than okay.

With God on my side, it can’t turn out any other way.

Blessed am I.

 

 

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Momma’s Day.

Last Mother’s Day we had just entered matching & had received our first match opportunity. It was an exciting time of possibility and hope.ย A year later, we have not only been matched with and transferred our 4 little ones, but we’ve lost them as well.

It stings.

With both Mother’s Day & the baby shower for my bro & sister-in-law coming up, I didn’t want to take a risk of being caught of guard with a negative beta…so I took a few pregnancy tests this past week. All negative. I handled it pretty well {minus one convo with my mom that was a bit teary} and held out hope that the beta would be positive.

No thanks to a series of unfortunate events / timing after my blood test on Friday, Chris & I were not able to receive the news together…and it did not set us up for success in handling this grief together. Although the loss was seemingly similar to the last transfer, it hit us both differently this time. Chris was angry & wanted to internalize…refusing to even eat the brownies that a friend dropped off because they might have been baked with pity. I was hurting yet trying to be strong for the events to come, all while feeling increasingly isolated. We were much less open this time around, a bit more guarded, and I found myself lacking the support & encouragement from others that I didn’t even totally know I needed until I was in the middle of needing it.

Saturday started rough {seriously grouchy husband}, then got easier, then ended rough {seriously emotional wife}. Although there were a lot of emotions lurking right under the surface, the shower was really nice & baby Miles was honored and celebrated with our whole hearts. Staying focused on him helped me from thinking about what wasn’t to be for me…I can’t wait to meet & love on him.

But I guess one can only keep their feelings in check for so long…especially when frustration & confusion reigns and there’s hurt between a husband and wife. By the time we got home on Saturday night I felt unheard and alone in my grief…which resulted in a lot of tears and a panic attack. Or hyperventilating. Whatever it was I couldn’t catch my breath and it concluded with Chris rocking me on the floor of the laundry room praying with me until I could finally breath normally. The crying took longer to get under control. Chris and I were able to talk & get on the same page, I called my momma so she could tell me it would all be okay, and eventually it was okay enough that I could go to bed calmly.

Which brings us to today. Mother’s Day. I had planned on pushing through church because there were no less {but potentially more, I lost count} than 5 of my friends having babies dedicated. In the end, we decided to stay home & sleep in, then went to a local breakfast spot to drink endless cups of coffee and watch the rain. We wore scrubby clothes, barely brushed our hair, and I wore no make-up. It was actually really nice. In the hours since, Chris has not strayed from my side {a grand gesture for him, since his computer is in the other room} while I’ve eaten all sorts of junk, binge-watched Hart of Dixie, and online shopped for a new comforter for our bed. The couch probably has a permanent impression of my rear end, but it’s a small price to pay for a day of R & R.

I gotta be honest…it’s not how I pictured my first Mother’s Day to go. But it could be worse. Chris was so sweet to look me in the eyes and wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. And I’ve received several texts from my close friends with just the kindest words of encouragement and validation. {From my dear friend L: “Happy Mother’s Day to you too. You’ve prayed over, rejoiced over, worried over, praised over, wept over, sacrificed for, loved, and carried 4 sweet babies. You’ve already been through more real, gritty mom stuff than most. If that’s not being a mother, I don’t know what is.”}

And so that’s where I’m at. A momma who has both welcomed and lost 4 little lives inside of her. A momma with empty arms and a heart that’s bigger and more full than it was a year ago…albeit broken for the time being. A momma that doesn’t look like a momma to most and who has no idea where to go from here.

But even more than all that, I am a woman who was invited by God to become a momma so that I could help usher 4 little lives into His kingdom. He didn’t have to involve me in this plan…and when the pain is at it’s greatest I almost find myself wishing He hadn’t. But it has truly been an honor to have mothered our little ones in this way, and through them God has been at a great work inside of me. I can’t say I understand what He is doing at all, but I trust that He is good.

I read the following verses from Micah 7 today…I think I’m going to be meditating on them for a while. “7 – But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. 8 – Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.

So yes, even today, blessed am I.

 

 

Our two ‘least of these.’

Yesterday we met these two littles…

little ones 2

๐Ÿ™‚ Yes, we went back for our 2nd frozen embryo transfer. It’s been just over two months since the first transfer…and it’s been a pretty wild couple of months.

Once we definitely decided to move forward with this 2nd transfer, things fell into place quickly. I didn’t have to do the Lupron shots, my lining progressed well enough {barely} that there was no need to postpone the transfer like last time, and somehow the procedure ended up costing us less than half of the first one. {Giving God total credit for that one…it still doesn’t make sense to me!}

Besides all that, we’ve been much quieter about this transfer. That was Chris’ request really…he was so open & excited about the first transfer, and found it difficult to keep having to talk about it after we found out we weren’t pregnant. Our immediate families & close friends knew this one was happening, along with a few others who we knew would be committed to praying for us. {Plus we didn’t lie about it if it came up or someone asked.} Surprisingly, I actually struggled with not sharing as openly…I want God to get the glory & for our little ones to be known…but I felt a peace about us keeping it more quiet. Could be for a variety of reasons {my personal favorite is because these little ones are going to get to stick around and be known & loved by lots of people}, but for now it’s what’s best for our little family.

So meeting our little ones & the time since has been a pretty quiet event. Yesterday Chris went to work for a while, while I spent some quiet time preparing for the day. We drove in after lunch, I *waited* to drink any water until we got to the doctors office {lesson learned = no bedpan. Victory!}, and we were back in and ‘suiting up’ within minutes of our appointment time. The transfer itself was smooth, the doctor encouraging, and the two of us happy to meet our little ones.

little ones

These two are a true example of “the least of these.” They are the last in what was originally a set of 11 {if I remember correctly}, which means each transfer they’ve been passed up for others deemed to have a higher chance of success. Although we didn’t get an official grading from the doctor, I know it wouldn’t be stellar if we had. Actually, one of them was a little “frost bitten” initially {we’ve nicknamed that one Frosty, of course}…but they both continued to grow and improve even between the initial point of thaw and the transfer itself. Surprisingly all of this bothers me very little. God and I dealt with the whole issue of “odds” early on in this journey, and I know that no grade is going to determine the will of God.

They are beautiful & we love them…and we’re praying God will show up & show off with our “least of these.”

Snuggle in little ones!

Blessed are we.

Thursday.

Thursday – Blood Test / Results

Despite feeling nervous about the weather and anticipating the big blood test, Chris and I slept well on Wednesday night. I woke up feeling at peace & well-rested, and spent a little quiet time to myself. When Chris woke up he checked the icy roads, and although he was nervous about us driving he agreed that we could go for the test. {If he had seriously tried to say no I can’t even imagine the fight he would have had on his hands!}

We took the trip slow, but it was basically non-eventful. Had the blood drawn no problem, made sure they knew to send it to our doctors office asap, and off we went.

Not longer after we got home Chris went to work, and I was left to nervously piddle around the house. I managed to do some school work…straighten up a bit…and eventually took advantage of a friend’s offer to run to Target for some dollar aisle browsing. All were decent distractions; I was more nervous and unsettled on Thursday than any other day of the wait.

I had asked our nurse to call and leave a message for us with the results so that Chris and I could listen together. She called before 2 {hence, the need for the Target trip} and Chris wasn’t expected home until sometime between 4 & 5. When he got home from work {and I from Target} we sat down on the couch together to listen. Chris was calm & confident…same as he’d been the entire wait. I felt like I could throw up. We reassured each other that no matter what, we would be fine and we trusted God.

And then we pressed play.ย 

It was over before it even started really. I could tell by her “Heyyy Heather…” that the news wasn’t good. We held it together through the message, which was a sympathetic “the test was negative, stop your meds immediately, call us after your period starts” kind of thing.

I can’t even say how long we sat there in shock afterwards. There weren’t even tears at first…and then there were. Lots. Silent, endless streams punctuated by sobs.

I definitely can’t even begin to recount all of the thoughts that were jumbled in my mind. I could hardly finish one before the next started, and they were all over the place.

The only thing I remember saying during that time of shock was “I miss them.” It is a terribly heart-wrenching thing to know that there was life in you, only for it to be gone.ย 

I moved pretty quickly into denial…and started freaking out about not doing our shots for the night. We were nearing our medicine time, and I just panicked. What if we tested too early? What if they were late implanters? What if they were really still there and we stopped the medicine? I e-mailed our nurse, but it took her a few to get back to me. By the time she did, I had talked myself down for the most part…we pay them a lot of money to know what’s going on, after all. Her e-mail confirmed that the hcg level was less than 1, so that was that. We stopped the medicines that night.

Chris called his parents and talked to them to break the news…I can still hear his sobs. :/ I think I pretty much just sat there during that time, then I set about doing all {okay, not all} the things not-pregnant people can do…eating raw brownie batter, drinking sweet tea, taking a super hot bath, taking some Nyquil for my head cold…

We ate some dinner…walked the dog…I don’t even know what else.

A bit later I called my parents. They had been out to eat, so I waited until they were home. The news was a shock…they hadn’t had any idea that we’d even taken the blood test. It was so hard to choke the words out to them…to know how invested they were and how much they had hoped with us that these little ones would get to stay. We cried together, and despite neither them or I even knowing the words to say, it was enough. {Not in the ‘just barely enough’ way, but in the ‘exactly what was needed at that moment way.’} I have incredible parents…they both soothed and strengthened me, even in their own heartbreak.

From there we called our siblings…the brother and I cried together, and my sister-in-law {ever the cheerleader} had the wisdom to speak words of life over our little ones and promised me that they would not be forgotten. It was a good talk, between the three of us…I wish I could remember more of it, but again, it was enough. Throughout the calls my sweet pup jumped up on the couch with me {something he rarely does} and laid his head across my lap. He stayed there for almost 2 hours…unheard of for him, but he knew that I needed him I guess.

We were drained after that, and it was bedtime since we both had work in the morning. We decided telling extended family & friends could wait for another day. Blessedly sleep is rarely ever something that is a problem for me, so we snuggled in, even Huxley.

No doubt, it will be counted as one of the hardest days of my life. Our hearts were broken…twice over really, as we lost two little ones. God was with us though, I know that…and we didn’t grieve as those without hope. Our little ones received a beautiful life, in glory...and we will get to meet them there one day.

Blessed are we.

bfn.

I find it much easier to type it than to actually say it out loud…the transfer wasn’t successfulย {well, by the “didn’t result in a pregnancy” standard.}ย :/ The pregnancy test was a big fat negative, so turn out it wasn’t God’s will for our two little ones to stay.

As always, I wish I had more time so that I could have been writing over the last several of days…thoughts and feelings come quickly these days…. When things get topsy-turvy like this {especially in the middle of the school year} I just can’t seem to get the time away I need to write it all down.

Tonight will be no different; it’s basically stay up and type or go to bed. Since I know I have spring break coming up & can type and think to my hearts content, sleep wins out for now.

I’d say we’re doing pretty well, all things considered. Kind of floating in and out of the first few stages of grief…shock, denial, pain & guilt…a dash of anger & frustration thrown into the mix. We are trying to ‘lean in’ to God and keep our focus & trust on Him.

We’ve told most everyone now that it wasn’t the news we were hoping for, and once again I’ve been amazed & incredibly blessed by the support and love of our friends and family. I’ve called them the hands & feet of Christ many times along this journey, but I continue to see them as just that.

So it’s tough right now, but we don’t walk this road without hope. God has turned our mourning to joy before, and I believe He will do it again. Lord help me, I have to say that to myself over and over {in a shaky voice at that} since we got the results, but I truly do believe it.

I pray that one day soon I’ll be able to say “it is well.”

Even so, blessed am I.

hcg.

Previously written on 3/4/2015

******

I should probably know what that stands for…but honestly I can never remember. It’s a very important acronym though, because it is what my body should be producing in full force by now. It’s what the lab will test for in my blood to determine if I’m pregnant or not.

They’re doing that tomorrow, by the way.ย 

It’s kind of funny…perhaps it’s the one event in this entire process that we’ve been able to keep to ourselves for more than a day or two. {Not going to lie, I do have one friend who knows…and it has been helpful for me that she knows. Plus she’s going to be praying for us tomorrow…} Even I thought it would take almost 2 weeks before they would even think about testing {somewhere around 12-14 days post transfer}. Close family & friends were told 2 weeks {again, it’s what I thought}, and the bigger circle of people were told 3ish weeks. {Not a total lie – it’s not a one time test so it takes a period of several days to know for sure. Plus, come on…does everyone have to know everything in real time these days?! *wink*}

So when we found out at the transfer that it would be 9 days after our transfer instead, I was pretty pumped. And it also made it much easier to keep the time of our blood test a secret…I don’t think anyone has a clue that the first one is happening tomorrow.

Well…hopefully.ย 

This winter weather has really made our transfer cycle quite….interesting. We prayed our way through a lingering ice storm for the transfer, UPS totally messed up the delivery of some of my meds due to the icy weather {yes – that was this weeks freak out moment, but all’s well that ends well I guess…}, and now we have more ice rolling through tonight that will make getting to the lab for blood work a bit dicey.

I was actually supposed to drive up to a certain lab in the next town over, but with the promise of ‘treacherous road conditions’ I changed my appointment to our local hospital. When I e-mailed our nurse with the update, she responded back with a warning that they haven’t had great experience with little hospitals in the past…they don’t always respond to the “STAT” directive within the same day like they are supposed to. However, she ended it with “I know you pretty well by now and they will likely have to go through several phone calls from you before the end of the day if they don’t fax them on time.”ย 

Bahaha…it made me laugh, because probably no one knows that better than her.ย 

{I have little patience for my questions going unanswered / me not being 100% clear on what’s happening…this is too important, and we’re paying too much money, for people not to have their stuff together.}

With a laugh, I wrote her back and said I practically made the lady I talked to at the lab promise me her first born if she didn’t get the test results back to my doctor tomorrow…so hopefully we’ll be good to go. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Just have to make it there to have the test done!

After we get our results tomorrow evening, we’ll go back on Saturday morning for test #2. Obviously tomorrow is important because there needs to be some level of hcg for us to proceed, but Saturday’s is very important as well, because the number needs to double within 48 hours. It’s possible from there we would have one more blood test, but from there we move on to an ultrasound at/after 6 weeks 4 days to see how many babies there are. ๐Ÿ™‚ {As of right now I’m considered 4 weeks pregnant I think, so it’s not actually a long wait all things considering.}

So that’s our little secret! I’ll post this after the fact, obviously. ๐Ÿ™‚ Chris and I are both feeling calm. He’s super calm & confident. I’m calm and more…at peace, I would say. We’ve done what we can do and what the doctors asked, and it’s been in God’s hands this entire time. My prayers have actually been pretty simple and repetitive during this wait, and they remain so. {Basically, take care of them God, protect them. And please let them stay!} He knows the desires of our heart, soon we will find out His will. He is faithful, He will not forsake us, and He is good. No matter what happens over the next few days.ย 

But wow oh wow do I pray that number is through the roof.ย 

Blessed are we.

I know who holds my hand.

I was planning on titling this post “daily bread”…then I heard that line in an old hymn today and I decided it would do perfectly. ๐Ÿ™‚ Here we are 5dp6dt {5 days past a 6 day transfer}…wrapping up an icy weekend that has caused us to be stuck inside most of the time.

It’s kind of funny…when I thought about the “2 week wait” I wondered how anyone made it through it without just wearing themselves out. I wondered how we would handle it…if we would battle stress and each other. Who could have known the weather would add a new element, keeping us stuck inside.

But I am quite happy to report that my God is faithful {was there ever any doubt?!} and He has held our hands as we’ve waited. He has given us, me in particular, what we’ve needed each day to make it through. Our daily bread.

And for that reason, we’ve made it through quite calmly and happily. Chris kisses my tummy each day and talks to the little ones. I’ve had plenty of time to rest and be still. We’ve laughed and enjoyed one another’s company…we’ve wondered at the curious things my body has started to do {as a result of a pregnancy or the medicine, we’re not yet sure.}

I decided after a few days to post news of our transfer and pictures of our little ones more publicly online. {This blog is still very private; basically only my mom and mother-in-law know that I write here.} It took me a bit to be ready, and even then I had to think and pray about it. The day of our transfer, while well known to many, was a very private and personal day for the two of us. {As getting pregnant should be! *wink*} I felt like I needed some space between the transfer itself and a ‘public announcement.’ I started to post several times, but yesterday it finally felt appropriate…and right. See, according the research I’ve done, days 3-5 post transfer {for a 5/6 day embryo} is when implantation takes place. We don’t yet know how much time we have with these little ones…and our prayer from the beginning has been that our story would always point back to Christ. It felt nice to celebrate their little, amazing lives with others beyond our immediate family & prayer circle. They are real…they have been created in the image of our magnificent God… and they are beautiful. {Yes, you knew I had to say it again.}

Today Chris and I decided to stay in from church and listen online instead. Typically we attend a more contemporary service, but because that one was canceled due to the weather/roads, we listened to the traditional service. Old hymns are truly like balm to the soul, and I we sang one in the service that encouraged my spirit and reminded me of the reason we’re making it through this time of waiting without going crazy…because of the faithfulness and grace of our God. {There was another song that did the same – “I know who holds tomorrow”, but turns out it’s not a hymn…it’s sung by Allison Krauss. All the same!}

All I have needed, they hands have provided…Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me!

I don’t worry over the future, for I know what Jesus said…and today He’ll walk beside me, for He knows what lies ahead. Many things about tomorrow, I don’t claim to understand…But I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand.”

So today is a post of thankfulness…a post of praise to my King. I read in James today, verse 13…”Is any of you happy? Let him sing songs of praise.” We are happy to be in this season…even as it is a season of waiting.

Blessed am I.

P.S. – I found another verse today…I love it because it speaks of the wonders God has allowed us to see. ๐Ÿ™‚ Deuteronomy 10:21 – “He is the one you praise; He is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes.”ย 

1dp6dt

No, that’s not just gibberish. ๐Ÿ™‚ It means 1 day past a 6 day transfer.

Hallelujah!ย *insert angel music & a light shiningย down from Heaven here*

Yesterday started like a pretty normal day. {Except that we didn’t go to work and it was still freezing temps w/ ice outside.} I woke up, took my morning dose of estrogen, then snuggled onto the couch to spend some time in the Word & writing a letter to my little ones. Afterwards I actually cooked bacon & eggs for breakfast {that, I can assure you, is not normal} and woke the husband up for our big day. We ate, walked the dog, and got ready to go meet our little ones.

The trip to the clinic was pretty non-eventful, despite the ice. Truly, I felt as though I could feel the prayers of so many with us as we drove, and we made it with no problems. I’ve been listening to the Bethel Music album for weeks now, so that was my music of choice for the ride. It helped calm me, put our eyes on Jesus, and was a sweet time for the two of us.

My main instructions for the transfer were to not wear any heavy perfumes or lotions, no powdered make-up, and to arrive with a full bladder. {To help with the ultrasound…} Since we arrived early, and with a full bladder, I decided I had plenty of time to go to the bathroom and then guzzle more water. That was a decent plan, except that I guzzled a bit too much water and then they were over 20 minutes late calling us back for the transfer. There came a point where I could no longer bounce around the waiting room anymore, so I went to the restroom again and then came back out to guzzle more water. {All of this will have a point…hang with it. Ha!}

Shortly after that they called us back, and it all happened pretty quickly from there. We changed into clothes for a sterile environment…hospital gown for me, suit & mask for Chris, booties & hair covers for both of us. The doctor came in to talk us through the procedure, and I received a hospital bracelet that would be used to verify that the right embryos made it to the right person. Afterwards the nurse came in and answered a few medicine questions for us / walked us through our steps for after the transfer. {Mostly do’s, don’ts, when our blood tests will be, etc.}

Oh yes, and they gave us a picture of these beauties.

embryo

Aren’t they the cutest embryos you’ve ever seen? We sure think so!

From there we were off to the transfer room. The doctor & nurses were in a fun mood, there was music playing…it was a happy, exciting environment. I laid down, was introduced to some big ol’ stirrups, and theeeen we met the embryologist. {Yes, please notice I had already met the stirrups by that point.} Anyway, he said that both embryos had survived the thaw and that they were beautiful. {Again, we sure think so!} Quickly after that we got going.

Once the catheter was in, we watched a little screen and saw the embryologist suck up our little ones into a tube. {We didn’t see them to the same magnification that we saw in the picture, they were magnified only enough that we could see tiny dots on the screen.} He walked them straight in to the doctor, who used the catheter to transfer them into my uterus. And then it was done. Just like that, those tiny little lives were inside me. Incredible.

Afterwards we watched the embryologist flush out the catheter to show us that the embryos weren’t still in it, then I was moved onto a bed and rolled into our ‘recover room.’ More sweet times as Chris and I kissed & celebrated that this had really truly happened…lots of ups and downs to get to this point. ๐Ÿ™‚

That’s when it turned a little sketchy…remember all that water? I had to go again. Badly. I tried to hold out, but I had to lay still and flat for a while, so the whole situation ended with a bedpan. :{ Oh well, girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Shortly after that we were all done…so I dressed and made 2 more restroom stops on the way home.

I drank a lot of water.

Once home I snuggled in on the couch, under the beautiful & warm snowflake blanket given to me by a friend in my church family. I napped, watched netflix, and of course throughout the course of the day we called and celebrated with our family and friends. My friend Rachel brought over dinner – so sweet.

We had a calm, peaceful evening…us and our little ones.

All in all, lots of answered prayers and celebrations yesterday. We had safe travels through the ice, both little ones survived the thaw, and we had a successful transfer. I felt the strength of Christ through those praying for us, and we got to peek into the wonder & mystery of life itself. It was amazing to see the beauty of God’s plan for our family, for our little ones.

May we never lose that wonder.

Blessed am I.

 

dearest little ones.

Dear Little Ones,

Our big day is here! Today Momma & Daddy are coming to meet two of you, and we’re praying that you will snuggle right in & make yourselves at home. ๐Ÿ™‚ We are so excited to see you for the first time – even though you are quite small, you’ve come to take up a big space in our hearts!

Remember when I wrote to you once or twice about how your story has always, always read love? That just becomes more and more true every day. There are so many people praying for us today, so many who are excited to see what God’s plan for us is. Momma has received beautiful notes of encouragement, a handmade snowflake blanket to keep her warm while you snuggle in, and countless hugs in the past few weeks. Your grandparents are just about beside themselves with excitement and joy. Lots of love, I’m telling ya!

There is another family praying for all of us…a very special family. They are the ones who were there when God first spoke life over you, the ones whose genetics you share. Someday you’ll learn more about them, about the decisions that led them to choose us as your parents. Each time we correspond with them it is such a blessing – they have such a strong belief in God’s plan for each of you, as do we. They made a beautiful choice for you, one that just continues to amaze us…especially on a day like today.

I can’t talk to you about love without pointing you back to the one who IS love – the big, mighty God we serve. Some might say you were created by doctors or science, but no dear ones – your creator is our Heavenly Father. He is the author of this story, it is His sovereign will we will be waiting on in the coming days. There is no way to tell our story without pointing back to Him…His provision and plan has guided this entire process. He is good, little ones.

Our prayer is that He will allow you to snuggle in to my womb, that we will get to witness your birth and raise you in Him. We want so much to know you…what you will look like and how you will act. But dear little ones, if God should choose to take you home with Him instead, we will still celebrate your new found life…and we will never forget the days we shared with you. It’s all in God’s hands now, and there’s no one more trustworthy than He is.

The weather is kind of wild today…icy and cold…so Mom & Dad are about to eat breakfast together, then get ready and leave before too much longer so that we can make it safely to you. We are so excited to meet you…you put the wonderful in this wild & wonderful journey we’ve been on to grow our family.

See you soon!

Love,

Momma

1 more day.

On the countdown I keep next to my medicine calendar, today’s number read 1. As in 1 more day until we meet two of our little ones.

EEK!

In typical weird Texas weather style, today ended up being a day off of school because of the ice. The husband and I spent the day lounging around {aka – sleeping late and not venturing far from the couch for me!}, eating Fruity Pebbles {don’t even ask}, and piddling around on our computers. Mid-day we heard from the doctor’s office the time for our transfer tomorrow and we spent the afternoon / evening receiving encouraging texts and phone calls from our family & friends. Lots of love for these little ones!

We’ve laughed and played and marveled at what’s to come and the adventure that tomorrow will be. It’s been a day of calm and peace and assurance…something only our good Father could have given us. We feel ready…and we are so excited to see two of our little ones. It’s been making us grin like fools all day and put this twinkle in our eyes. It’s going to be a good day. ๐Ÿ™‚

The only bit of hesitancy…of concern…is this wild weather. The temperature is not supposed to get above freezing until about the time we plan on leaving tomorrow, so the roads are a little dicey. Nothing about this process has come without some complication, and it would seem that this weather is tomorrow’s added measure of fun. However, we are trusting in God’s provision for safe travels to and from the doctors office…so we aren’t spending too much time thinking on it.

So for now, it’s off to bed. I’ll have time to post again in the morning, then’ll we’ll be off on the next chapter of this wild, wonderful story…

Blessed am I!