Our two ‘least of these.’

Yesterday we met these two littles…

little ones 2

🙂 Yes, we went back for our 2nd frozen embryo transfer. It’s been just over two months since the first transfer…and it’s been a pretty wild couple of months.

Once we definitely decided to move forward with this 2nd transfer, things fell into place quickly. I didn’t have to do the Lupron shots, my lining progressed well enough {barely} that there was no need to postpone the transfer like last time, and somehow the procedure ended up costing us less than half of the first one. {Giving God total credit for that one…it still doesn’t make sense to me!}

Besides all that, we’ve been much quieter about this transfer. That was Chris’ request really…he was so open & excited about the first transfer, and found it difficult to keep having to talk about it after we found out we weren’t pregnant. Our immediate families & close friends knew this one was happening, along with a few others who we knew would be committed to praying for us. {Plus we didn’t lie about it if it came up or someone asked.} Surprisingly, I actually struggled with not sharing as openly…I want God to get the glory & for our little ones to be known…but I felt a peace about us keeping it more quiet. Could be for a variety of reasons {my personal favorite is because these little ones are going to get to stick around and be known & loved by lots of people}, but for now it’s what’s best for our little family.

So meeting our little ones & the time since has been a pretty quiet event. Yesterday Chris went to work for a while, while I spent some quiet time preparing for the day. We drove in after lunch, I *waited* to drink any water until we got to the doctors office {lesson learned = no bedpan. Victory!}, and we were back in and ‘suiting up’ within minutes of our appointment time. The transfer itself was smooth, the doctor encouraging, and the two of us happy to meet our little ones.

little ones

These two are a true example of “the least of these.” They are the last in what was originally a set of 11 {if I remember correctly}, which means each transfer they’ve been passed up for others deemed to have a higher chance of success. Although we didn’t get an official grading from the doctor, I know it wouldn’t be stellar if we had. Actually, one of them was a little “frost bitten” initially {we’ve nicknamed that one Frosty, of course}…but they both continued to grow and improve even between the initial point of thaw and the transfer itself. Surprisingly all of this bothers me very little. God and I dealt with the whole issue of “odds” early on in this journey, and I know that no grade is going to determine the will of God.

They are beautiful & we love them…and we’re praying God will show up & show off with our “least of these.”

Snuggle in little ones!

Blessed are we.

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The feelings.

How are there so many feelings? And at the same time, so few?

This has been a weird ride.

I wish I had time to write on this a few days ago…but October has to be one of the busiest months in an elementary school…so yeah. I had to deal with the feelings as they came and move on with it. No time to write them all down. 🙂

I feel like up to the match my feelings have been pretty well documented on this little blog. Initially they were raw, overwhelming…and they left little room in my mind or heart or soul for anything else. In that brief, intense period of grief and mourning and surrender I felt closer to God than at any other point in my life. It was beautiful because of that…but feelings to that depth and level aren’t sustainable for long periods of time. When God called us to adoption & put a new joy in our hearts, it was a relief to not have everything bubbling so close to the surface. We were excited, I was in full on learning/reading/educating myself mode. We got a crib for Christmas, I dreamed of little baby things and nurseries. It was a sweet time of sweet feelings.

From there we pretty much moved into feelings of amazement & awe as we began to consider that God might be calling us to embryo adoption…which led to questions. So many questions. Another crisis of faith and more calling out to God. This was when the feeling of terror really began to rear it’s head…a by-product of the total lack of control I felt over our situation.

Once again, I entered a season of ‘doing’ as we signed on with an agency, talked with doctors, set-up a homestudy, etc. I fought the terror, got busy with the ‘doing,’ and wept with gratitude as our community of friends and family joined together to raise just over $5,000 through a mega-garage sale for our adoption fees. Again, lots of feelings…many of them so humbling.

The season of waiting wasn’t my most graceful period. Cranky & impatient battled with hopeful & anticipation. {Granted, I think I could have done a much, much worse job of waiting…I just struggled to wait as gracefully as my heart desired.}

Then in September, the possible match. We were interested, yet guarded. I wrote several posts during that time about how I felt God was asking me to make myself vulnerable once again to the feelings…to opening my heart. After our initial steps forward, we were back to waiting for bloodwork and doctors approval, and school was so busy that feelings were limited. It was during this time that we found out my brother & sister-in-law are expecting and dealt with the unexpected mix of happy & sad, joy & sting.

So when the match came…when we got the congratulatory e-mail and called our families to share the news…we felt surprisingly little. The strongest emotion was relief, but it was all really anti-climatic. My mom, who knows me better than I know myself sometimes, called me later that evening to ask if I felt like I was still guarding myself from feeling the joy of this moment, this match. In all honesty, I didn’t know what was wrong with meit was as though there had been so many feelings leading up to this moment that when it came…we didn’t have any feelings left to sit in. I knew I didn’t feel like we had made the wrong decision or that we should have declined the match…I truly just felt like the valve had opened and we were able to release some of the pressure we had felt for so long.

The next day I called the doctor’s office & agency just to confirm that everything really was a go, and Kelly {the director of the Snowflake program at Nightlight} talked with me a bit about how we were feeling. She was able to assure me that we were completely normal, saying that this phase of the process is all just so surreal. You know you are being matched with these embryos, and yet you don’t have them. She spoke to how unsettled it often all still feels, and said that most people start to feel more present in the moment once the embryos are successfully shipped to their doctors office. As always, talking with her helped me immensely. {We have lots of people who love us to talk with, but they are experiencing this alongside us.} I am part of a few Facebook groups of people who have done this, but while I have made some connections there I don’t know them well enough to trust them with the struggle of figuring out my feelings. Kelly has been a wonderful resource for us in that way.

My joy began to grow exponentially as I shared with more friends and family and prayer warriors our answered prayer. There were tears, laughing, a literal jump for joy {or two!}, happiness, praise, pride…the more I opened up to others, the more my own heart began to swell with joy and the reality of the HUGE prayer God had answered. Joy really does become more complete when it is shared!

In the days since accepting the match, I’ve gone back to ‘doing.’ Coordinating the clinic with the agency is no small feat! There have been forms to fill out, contracts to sign / notarize, big fat checks to mail. With each step it sets in more and more that this is really happening. It really hit me the day we went to sign the contract…I was just completely overwhelmed with emotion and couldn’t help but crying as I realized how close we are getting to this dream becoming a reality. It was a big day for us. 🙂

By God’s grace & provision, I have been able to keep the fear at bay, and right now we are resting in a really happy, thankful, calm place. I’m trying to take it in…these moments of ‘normalcy’…knowing that it will hopefully be changing in the near future.

There are definitely new feelings starting to move in and unpack…still working my way through those. I’ll get them figured out soon…but I can say that they aren’t bad.

As a matter of fact, there is a strong possibility that they are momma feelings.

God is good.

Blessed am I.

 

 

All praise and glory!

How am I just now getting a chance to write about the fact that we are officially matched with a genetic family?

Because yes, WE ARE OFFICIALLY MATCHED WITH A GENETIC FAMILY!

🙂

They have 4 embryos that we will be officially adopting as soon as the contracts are drawn up, signed, and notarized!

We first received their profile information on September 11th, but we’ve been waiting over a month for the doctor to review the information, blood work to be done / sent in, and for the doctor to review the blood work. We heard back officially on October 20th, and I felt like it was much more of a ‘for sure thing’ {although that was literally only in my mind because it was just as ‘for sure’ the day before} after I talked to the agency on the 21st.

The plan from here is…

1) Contracts!

2) Arrange shipping…yes, we will be sending out a big ol’ prayer request for the FedEx truck & driver getting our embies from there to here. 🙂

3) Medical portion begins…mock trials, shots, meds. It’s all greek to me at this point {since we’ve done zippo fertility treatments leading up to this}.

If everything clicks along, it is possible we could do a transfer sometime in December.

Wow.

More on all the feelings that accompany this news on another day because, yes, there have been feelings. 😉 In the meantime, all praise & glory to our God and King, author of this adventure and perfector of my faith!

Blessed are we.

 

Life & Glory.

Several weeks ago, my mother-in-law was chatting with someone at her church, catching up with one another on how one another’s families are doing and what their children are all up to these days. Through the course of the conversation, my MIL ended up telling her friend about our embryo adoption adventure. The woman was floored to hear about this option for families, especially because she has a family member who had gone through in vitro and has been considering what to do with their remaining embryos. She {along with another family member, who also goes to church with my MIL} excitedly agreed to tell the woman & her husband about it to see if they would be interested in more information, or in potentially matching with us.

{Definitely one of those six-degrees of separation thing…or the telephone game.}

A few weeks passed by with no word, and in the meantime we were presented with a great match from the agency to consider.

Then, a week ago today, my mother-in-law received word that the woman was interested in talking with Chris and I in person, and passed along her phone number so I could give her a call. I nervously gave her a call {calling a stranger, not knowing quite what they are thinking or what their story will be feels kind of weird, I gotta say.} but ended up having to leave a message.

She called me back a few days later…and we talked for over an hour. All those nerves turned out to be for nothing, because she was a super sweet, Christian woman who shared a common belief with me about the value of life and of her little embryos. We each shared our story to arriving at this point, about what God has taught us through infertility, about the struggles each of us have had / have to find clarity as to how God would have each of us to move forward. We talked about the possibility of us adopting their embryos, but since we are feeling confident about the match presented to us by the agency {and because they are still in the early stages of deciding if they are ready to place their embryos for adoption} we decided it is best at this time for us to simply pray for one another and {hopefully!} remain in touch with one another.

Although we obviously come at this from opposite sides, it was so encouraging and incredible to be able to talk with someone who gets it. Infertility is like a club I wish no one belonged to…but since that’s not the case, it sure is nice to have someone who understands the burdens & joys. It lightens the load, reminds you that you aren’t so alone or so weird…

After a lot of talking with one another and a bit of dreaming with one another, we prayed with one another. My heart was filled with such gratitude…that God brought us to together, that I was able to speak life and encouragement to her {along with practical information about embryo adoption & Nightlight Christian Adoption Agency}, that we were able to testify to one another about God’s goodness and His grace and His glory.

I pray there will be more conversations like this in the future…more new friends to be made. There are people out there who pursue this route {or embryo donation} who keep it to themselves…but I know that is not what God has called Chris & I to. He’s made it clear from the beginning that we are to speak life & glory, and I was thankful for the chance to do that with this sweet sister in Christ.

Blessed am I.

How many people does it take…

Time just gets away from me sometimes…here’s where we stand with the current match opportunity. 🙂

Received the match information on September 11th, felt good about it from the start. Didn’t match our preferences 100%, but got pretty darn close…and much closer than any of the other matches that were presented. Most importantly, the number of embryos was right.

Sent the info on to the doctor on the 12th, and received word that he would be leaving for a week on the following Tuesday. Insert lots of prayers from us & our prayer circle of family & friends that he would get back with us on his recommendation before leaving.

Weekend comes and goes, then Monday was quite a bit of e-mailing back and forth. Once again not totally pleased with the lady I was corresponding with at the doctors office…could be much more forthcoming and helpful…but I didn’t let it make me super mad this time.

In the end, the hang-up with the doctors office was that the genetic family does not have current infectious disease screenings. {They had it done when the embryos were created, but since they were being created by/for them at that time and now they are technically “donors,” it needs to be re-done. A technicality really.} So our agency director got in touch with the family & asked them to do the additional blood work. They agreed & a kit was sent out to them. {Yay genetic family – y’all rock already!}

So, we’ve taken a step forward…and now we wait a bit more.

Sometimes I feel like we’re in the middle of some really ridiculous joke…”How many people does it take to get Heather & Chris a baby?” We’ve now added a couple of extra postal workers and lab workers to the list with this extra blood work. 😉

While we wait, we are continuing to pray & check in with one another…so far we both feel good that this is the match for us. I doubt we’ll hear back from the doctor this week, but once we do we’ll hopefully be prepared to make a final decision and move forward.

It’s an exciting time, and although I started off feeling that ol’ terror rise up, I’ve been able to rest in faith & in the present. It’s good stuff.

Blessed am I.

…One more thing that I just have to share…on Monday we also received a really sweet surprise from the genetic family {via the agency, of course}…updated pictures of their boys! The information we received initially didn’t contain pics of their newest babies, so she knew we would probably like to see pictures of everyone. It was a welcome and touching surprise, definitely endeared my heart toward her and helped me know that she is open and invested in this process. Special moment for sure!

Unbind your heart.

Y’all. Yesterday I attended a Beth Moore simulcast. She is precious and sassy and sits on the floor to pray. {I like that about her, in case you couldn’t tell.} She also says y’all a lot, so I’m going to test that out in this post. Don’t say y’all weren’t warned.

I didn’t really know what the topic of the simulcast was, but I went expecting a good word from God and a good cry. {I brought an 8-pack of personal sized tissues for the ladies who went from my church. When Beth prays it just has this tendency to make me weepy.}

Since I had no idea what we would spend our day studying, my reaction to the verse that popped up after the intro video was a genuine one. Genuine, but not very ladylike. Or Christian.

It was a curse word.

Don’t judge me y’all.

The verse is from Luke 1:45…if you’ve been reading my blog for long it may sound familiar. “Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.”

And my reaction?

“Ooooohhhhh sh*@. Here we go Lord.”

The thing is, I’ve been struggling with fear…which translates to a struggle believing that the Lord will complete the work He has started. Like it says in the song I posted yesterday, I’ve struggled to see past the prayers I’ve been praying.

For a while now, I’ve grown weary of waiting. When we weren’t matched before school started, I was annoyed…and I camped out in that feeling for a while. {As evidenced by yesterday’s post.}

Then, this past week, we got a match opportunity. It looked pretty darn good y’all, right along the lines of what we’ve been praying for…and still I stayed guarded. The only feeling I really gave into was….wait for it

Fear.

Yep. The bit of hope I felt quickly turned into fear. Random, stupid fear. {My stream of consciousness was really out there y’all, I’m not kidding.} I had a litany of reasons for not getting too excited or invested, moments of mourning because we have brown hair in our families and this families babies have blonde hair, building panic over what I can only call ‘clichĂ© adoption worries’…y’all. At one point I would worry that this match wasn’t even going to work out, and the next moment I would be worried that it would work out and that my grown child wouldn’t one day be as close with us as I am with my parents because they were adopted as an embryo and will know I wanted brown hair instead of blonde.

Like I said – random, stupid fear.

So to see that verse pop up, to be reminded of where I started, of how far God has brought us, of how he’s walked beside us…carried us…dragged us along {leaving buttprints in the sand, mind you}…to see that all flash before my hearts eye in an instant and to realize that I was still having trouble believing Him in this…sh*! was just the word that seemed to most accurately sum it all up.

Beth ended up taking the verse in a different direction for the bulk of our time together, but two things that she said had to have been just for me. Out of all 190,000+ women watching this simulcast, a few little phrases were meant for me.

The first came from Psalm 147:3 – “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

God binds our wounds…He heals our broken-hearts. Without a doubt. He’s done it for me. When we first layed down the hope of having a biological child, I mourned deeply. But God bound my wounds. I made it through.

But what Beth said next was the kicker…

She told the story of her granddaughter, who loved princess band-aids so much that she would literally try to hurt herself so that she could wear one. And then, once she had one on, she would refuse to take it off. On multiple occasions, she had worn the Band-Aid so long that the wound underneath had healed, but the skin around the Band-Aid had broken out in a rash.

Part of the healing process, she said, is that eventually God will ask you to unbind the wound. It has healed. It’s time to trust Him, to open yourself back up. If you keep it bound, you will not experience the new growth…the new life He has for you.

And I realized, in that moment, that I’ve been afraid to take the Band-Aid off. In fact, I’ve added my own walls to protect the wound. I guard this once-broken heart of mine because I recognize that there is a chance it could be broken again.

But it’s time to unbind the wound y’all. To open my heart to love, to this possibility, to make myself vulnerable…

And to trust that, if it’s in the plan, and my heart gets broken again…God will bind it back up for me.

Love is scary.

But it’s worth it.

The second thing Beth did that really spoke to me was ask those who were struggling with the stronghold of fear…just feeling like they were strangled by it…to stand and receive prayer. She prayed out loud, and those around me laid hands on me and joined in with her. She prayed for the bondage of fear to be broken in Jesus’ name, she prayed scripture and strength, she prayed courage.

At one point in the prayer, she said something along the lines of “Your true calling will stretch you…it won’t be something you can do in your flesh.” That was when I really lost it. I’ve said it time and time again – none of this could have come about because of me alone. I’m too weak. I’m too impatient. I’m too scared. I can walk this path only because of Jesus.

And so I did draw strength from that reminder…that I’m not alone, that I’m following this wild calling for my life.

All in all, it was a good weekend for me. God got my eyes on Him, refocused me, and as I put off the fear I’d been feeling I was able to put on hope. I can’t say for certain where this match opportunity will take us, but I can say that I will open my heart to the possibility of love for 4 tiny embryos, only 6 days old…and I will pray down the lies of fear that threaten to steal my joy.

Because blessed, blessed am I.

It’s not you…It’s me.

Two posts in one day…it’s my blog so I figured “Why not?” 😉

As the last post said, we did have a family request to match with us. In the end, we decided it wasn’t the right fit for us. Here’s the chain of events…because I’m still hoping & praying that at some point along the way we will get the opportunity to encourage someone else who has decided to follow God in this wild thing called embryo adoption. Gotta remember everything! 😉

Thursday Evening

We received the e-mail and looked over the information. There were a lot of great things jumping out at us about the family, but the overall emotion was being overwhelmed by how real it all felt, and weirded out. {Nothing but honesty here.}

Chris initially launched into this “you shouldn’t swing at the first pitch, so maybe we shouldn’t take the first set of embryos” line of thought. That kind of talk caused me to dig in a little, and honestly made me a little defensive of this set/family from the start. I didn’t know for sure that they were the ones, I just didn’t want them to be counted out because they were the first profile we looked at.

Friday

I e-mailed our rep to ask her a few questions to help us further understand the matching process. I’m sure she could read our uncertainty, so she said if it wasn’t the right fit for us, there was no harm in moving on and trying a different match. Again, I panicked a little…I didn’t want to feel like these embryos were being counted out/taken away before we had the chance to really see how we felt about them.

I responded with an explanation of how we were feeling, and she was very kind & encouraging. Around that time Chris talked to our friend and got over his baseball analogy business, and at that point we moved forward with sending the necessary information to the doctor for him to look over. {Interestingly enough, although I can’t say I was that surprised, we aren’t considered to match with some of the families because they don’t want to match with someone who will be a working mother. Womp womp.}

Saturday

We didn’t talk about it much, {Chris was out of town, I was busy} but we were both thinking on it…

Sunday

Honestly, I think I just got a little sucked into Mother’s Day. I mean, it is pretty incredible that there is a mother somewhere who is willing to give me these precious little parts of her. And since I had a face/name of someone who was willing to do that, I just got swept up. {Plus I knew I was going to be seeing my mom after all…not part of the original plan for that day.} So I texted Chris and asked if he thought we should tell our parents. That was enough encouragement for him, and by days end we had told our parents and siblings about the potential match.

No one lost their minds over it or anything…everyone recognized it wasn’t a done deal…and it was definitely cool for everyone to see that this is real and it is happening.

Monday

Spent most of the day waiting to hear back from the doctor, but really started realizing that while this match looked ideal, my heart just wasn’t fully committed. At some point it occurred to me that I was thinking more along the lines of “Why not them?” than “Yes, God! This is them!”

We received the e-mail from the doctor Monday evening, which was concise and almost exactly what I was expecting. He wasn’t fully convinced. Additionally, he had received some other information regarding the pregnancies/embryos which did affect our potential success rates.

At that point I think we both just realized that our conviction that these embryos were ‘the ones’ didn’t outweigh the odds that the doctor was giving us. We recognize that “odds” mean nothing to our Lord, but we certainly don’t want to push ahead without Him. We want the embryos that HE has for us, and we’re praying for confirmation and the strong conviction to recognize them when they are presented.

Once we kind of pulled it all together in our hearts and minds and made the decision to decline the match, we felt a mixture of relief and sadness. Relief for us, which was another confirmation that this was the right move…and sadness for this sweet family who made themselves so vulnerable for our sake.

{If I could tell them anything, it would be how much we appreciate them looking over our profile and seeing something in us that led them to want to ‘match’ with us. I’d want them to know how incredible we think they are for making this choice for their embryos, for sharing the heart of their family, for allowing us to learn about them and see pictures of their sweet family. I’d want to tell them that we are praying for them, and for the family God has for them.}

We called our parents to let them know what we were thinking. Everyone was great – very supportive & understanding…but we felt bad for having told them all about it just to not accept the match. So we’re back to our original plan – nobody knows nothin’ – until we are officially matched.

Tuesday {today}

I e-mailed our rep at the agency and let her know our decision. Of course it was lengthy and wordy because that’s how I am…because I needed her to understand where we were coming from. She was understanding and ready to move forward to make another match, so that was good to hear.

Additionally, we lowered the number of embryos that we were willing to accept. Part of the struggle with this particular set was that there were 7 embryos. When we considered that we didn’t pursue IVF ourselves because of the potential for remaining embryos, paired with the fact that we don’t really want anywhere near 7 kids…we felt like we couldn’t honor all of those embryos in the way God has called us to. So as we move forward in matching, our number is now around 4. We have more of a peace about that number.

{I could go more into that…there are so many different scenarios that could play out as a result of the number of embryos we accept, but it’s just all so unknown. The main point is that we feel a peace with 4 and we’re trusting God with the details.}

To wrap it all up…

– We are back in matching. 🙂

– A lot of lessons were learned through this particular experience. Chris is more familiar now with how matching will work…we’ve got some of the initial jitters out of the way…we know how our doctor is looking at the embryos…we know that we want to keep it to ourselves until it’s a definite…we know how many embryos we are good with… There’s a learning curve here without a doubt, but we’re making it!

– There are some fears that I’m praying against {I read a great blog on that just today though…thanks ‘Waiting For Baby Bird’!} which center around “Is this totally crazy? Am I totally crazy?” // “What if that was the best option we had and we turned it down?” // “These odds from the doctor are not very encouraging…” I’ve just been reminding myself…fear is not from God and feelings don’t always tell the truth…then going back to the truth of God’s word and of what He has revealed to us about His plan for growing our family & glorifying His name.

So that’s where we’re at. God’s got this. We will wait on His timing & revelation.

Blessed am I.

 

One Week & One Day Later

May 8, 2014

I’m posting this after the fact…so even as I write this, I’m not sure if I’ll be posting it after I say “We’re matched!” or to say that we had a family interested in matching with us, but didn’t feel it was a fit for us.

Either way…today, at this moment, we have a family who has chosen us.

{Insert me doubled over doing a lot of deep breathing while alternately eating the cookies Chris automatically started making.}

After being ‘in matching’ for exactly one week and a day, we got an e-mail with a “Dear Adoptive Parents” letter, family bio, and medical history from a family that is interested in placing their embryos with us.

I knew this embryo adoption business moved at a faster pace than traditional adoption, but wow.

It’s incredible and terrifying and overwhelming and mind-boggling and about a hundred other emotions all at once.

When the e-mail came in I texted a prayer warrior friend of mine and asked her to start praying. The initial information presented in the e-mail wasn’t quite what we had been hoping for {as far as the amount of time the embryos had been frozen, etc}, so I knew we would need God’s wisdom and peace as we decided how to move forward. I didn’t open any of the attachments until I was at home and with Chris. {He thought I was joking when I said we already had a request for a match…I can’t get it through his head that this process could go really quickly!}

We read through their letter & biography, reading aloud snippets that caught our attention or interested us. Their biography & letter sounded just like they were talking to us…although surreal, their words felt comfortable and it was obvious that they are a loving family. Right or wrong, I think we were both holding our breath waiting to see the pictures at the end of the writing. They were beautiful, all of them…and the little children were precious, one of whom has a lot of the same features that I do. {I may or may not have pulled one of my childhood pictures up right next to hers…It turns out they are even from the same area Chris was born / spent his childhood years in.

Of course by the pictures I was crying, the thought of it all just so overwhelming and wild.

After a few more minutes of talking…and honestly, of freaking out a little…we decided to hold off on telling anyone else right away. Moments like that are a lot to process, plus there was a bit of research that I needed to do on the stage of the embryos. We stepped away from the conversation for a few minutes…both needing some space to breathe and think.

*****

May 9, 2014

My first thoughts when I woke up this morning were the names of the couple who chose us. I fell asleep praying for them, I woke up thinking about them. It’s so weird to have names and faces…definitely makes it more real.

Today we played phone tag back and forth from work while we tried to keep working our way through this. Chris was still feeling ‘weirded out’ by the whole thing, not sure if we should agree to the first presented match…so we decided to talk to a couple of people who know who have adopted to see if what we’re feeling is normal. The coworker/friend that I spoke to was really helpful…I thought it was funny when she shared that her biggest panic was when she found out she was pregnant with her 6th child. It reminded me that some struggles aren’t specific to adoption, they are specific to parenting…and that even though I have been processing and preparing for this exact moment, Christ apparently hasn’t.

Typical. 😉

Chris called and talked to his ‘mentor’ {I’m calling him that; they would probably hate it! Ha!} who, God bless his soul, said exactly what I needed him to say. Basically, he told Chris that a) this was an answer to prayer, not a complication or unwanted ‘advance,’ b) there was nothing wrong with matching with the first couple if they were a good fit, and c) that he was going to kick Chris’ rear if he didn’t stop overthinking this whole thing.

After that conversation Chris sounded much more like himself. Although he still felt a little weird about the whole thing {I do too if I think about it for very long at once…not in a bad way, just in a ‘this is totally new and unknown’ kind of way.} we did decide that these could be the ones and we wanted to move forward with having the doctor review the embryo information.

****************

So that’s where we are right now. Waiting to hear back from the doctor. It’s still completely our decision, no matter what he says…and the research I’ve done looks like this is a pretty good set of embryos. I also e-mailed a bit with the Snowflake Program director who explained a bit more why she saw us as a fit {just trying to understand the process more fully!} which helped settle our nerves a bit.

Part of me hates to even write all of this. We’ve been praying for a moment like this, and I don’t want to take it for granted or sound ungrateful.

I think the main hesitation on our part is just born out of a need to catch our breath, to steady ourselves in this new reality….to see if God further confirms this particular family as the match for us.

Either way, it’s pretty amazing.

Blessed am I.

 

Matching.

This week has been *nuts*…but I had to squeeze in at least a little bit of time to commemorate our new step in our adoption process. We are now in the MATCHING phase! 🙂

While I had really hoped to enter matching by Easter, May 1st was my more realistic goal…and we met it! I spoke with the director of the Snowflake Program today to finalize our preferences, and she said they would begin working on their end to make a match and would send our profile off for the first family to review by Monday at the latest. *Craziness!*

Once a family is given our profile, they’ll have up to a week to decide if they’d like to move forward with us or not. While it could take us a little while to make a match, it also could happen pretty quickly…there are families ready & waiting to place their embryos!

When she first said how quickly it could all happen, I kind of panicked for a moment. Each step makes this all feel more real…I can’t imagine what it will feel like when we are sent the profile of a family who would like to match with us.

It’s good stuff.

In the meantime, I’ve got plenty to do to keep me busy. Our BIG fundraiser garage sale is this weekend, so I’ve been focusing my attention on getting ready for that. It should be a fun time, and I’m praying for God’s provision & glory!

So on that note…gotta run! 😉

Blessed am I.

One of those things.

“She wasn’t bitter. She was sad, though. But it was a hopeful kind of sad. The kind of sad that just takes time.”

~Perks of Being a Wallflower

I ran across this quote on my infertility/adoption Pinterest board tonight…and it struck me. There’s this new thing I do {not all the time, it just hits me occasionally} when I start looking at the kids around me and wondering what our child might look like one day.

It happens to me during down moments at school sometimes. It happened to me today at my niece’s soccer game.

I guess it began when my sister-in-law and I had a conversation about how much my nephew resembles Chris…features, expressions, etc. In that moment, I realized that, in some ways, he would resemble Chris more closely than our own child will. {Not that the same thing doesn’t happen in biological families I guess…my cousins look more like my mom more than I do in a lot of ways.}

From there I just got to looking at how unique children are…from the shapes of their noses to their eyes to the color and texture of their hair. Some were with their parents or siblings, and I searched to see what features they had in common…{what a creeper, I know.} My mind was mesmerized with the question of what features my own baby will have one day…

Then tonight, as I worked on finishing up our pictures for the family profile that will be shown to prospective genetic parents, I watched our wedding slideshow and all the sweet pictures of Chris & I as little ones. It saddened me a bit…knowing that we won’t get to lay baby pictures side by side and marvel at the similarities. At how our baby shares the shape of Chris’ eyes, or curly hair…or my smile.

I can sort of picture what a little Heather/Chris baby might look like, but I don’t even have a starting place for picturing what our family photo might look like in a few years.

And I can’t even say that it’s a bad thing. It’s just a thing.

My dad says that once a baby gets here, so much of my thinking and struggles will be nothing but distant memories. Our days will be filled with new experiences and busyness, and we’ll feel like we’ve never known {or were meant to know} anything different.

I think this is one of those things.

“So this is my life. And I want you to know that I’m both happy and sad…and I’m still trying to figure out how that can be.”

~Perks of Being a Wallflower

BUUUUUUT. All that to say…

*God works in amazing ways, and sometimes He chooses to match families & babies in such a way that they really do look like they are biologically connected.

*With embryo adoption, the odds are very high that our embryos will already have at least one living full genetic sibling. As we are matched with our genetic family, we will receive pictures of them…which will help me start to fill in the blanks a bit more on what that family picture might look like. Pretty amazing stuff.

Not something to worry about by any means…just something that catches my mind from time to time. A hopeful kind of sad.

I’ll trust God to work it out.

Blessed am I.