I thought of you.

Tonight, in the hush of a Christmas Eve service lit by candles, with the chorus of believers singing Silent Night…I heard a little one say mama.

In that instant, my breath caught. As my eyes filled with tears, time slowed and I thought of you.

I thought of you, my precious little ones…the ones I so desperately hoped and prayed I would be holding this Christmas. This time last year we were full of hopes for you…with a smile & a few giggles we let ourselves dream aloud about what Christmas would be like if you were here. My arms ache with the emptiness of it all, but my heart is full for having mothered you in my own special way. Although it’s not what I pictured, and that hurts, I can’t help but feel awe that you are celebrating this Christmas with Jesus himself. You get to sing along with the angel chorus & bask in the warmth of His light, and I still feel so humbled that God invited me into your story & journey back to Him.

I thought of you, courageous one. I have yet to meet you, and I don’t know if you are yet carrying the child you will one day entrust to me. In the flicker of the candlelights, I wondered where you are tonight…prayed you are surrounded by love this Christmas Eve. Can you feel our baby kicking, moving around inside you? You have the distinct honor of mothering our little one as he/she is in your womb, and I pray such strength & wisdom & peace over you as you do. I think of you more than I even think of the baby you are carrying {or will carry}…maybe because it is your choice that will place a little one in my arms, your care that is essential for life & growth. I pray this Christmas is your most precious one yet…that you are able to take hold of the sweetness and beauty of this season & let it take root in your heart. Adoption is a beautiful and messy and holy work…so it only makes sense that you would be on my heart on this holiest of nights.

And I thought of you, Lord Jesus. The King who came as a baby; the creator who took on the flesh of His creation. You are everything, Jesus…forgive me when I don’t bow to you as such. There is a stillness that fell over my spirit tonight, a quietness that settled into my bones as I considered the weight of what your birth meant for us. For me. Christmas ushers in a bittersweet longing, an expectant hope for your return… feelings I am familiar with as I walk through this season of waiting and wondering. I am struck by the co-mingling of the two, of what is and what has been and what will be. You are in it all Jesus, and I celebrate you with a reverent and bowed heart tonight.

So from a sincere heart full of love, Merry Christmas to each of you – my little ones, the {birth}mother of my child, and my King.

Blessed am I.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s