The Decision to Adopt.

The best way I know to describe it is this…I feel like I was that kid in the pool, panicking and feeling like I was drowning and I didn’t know which way was up, just paralyzed with fear and indecision, until I finally heard someone say “Just stand up – you’re in the shallow end for pete’s sake.”

Yep. {Except minus the drama of life danger and insert more just flipping and flopping and uncertainty.}

For months I’ve been just kind of…floating. Not sure what we were doing, not sure how we were going to pay for it, not sure about much of anything. I didn’t write much because a) busy with work and b) what is there to say when you don’t know what is happening with your life?

I felt like we were leaning toward IVF, and for a while we really were. Or I guess mostly I was. Chris was seemingly on board. We talked with my parents and lined up a plan to pay for it, I started birth control…really all I needed to do was call the doctor and get it going.

But for whatever reason each day, I never actually called. Or emailed.

The feelings {aka tears} started amping up at that point. I finally told Chris that I just needed him to really think about it and decide. After a couple of questions {how bad was it going to be if I never got pregnant being the main one} and a few days, he came back with a strong and confident answer – adoption.

We took a few days to stew on it together; talking it through and reminding ourselves of what it would mean for us, for our family. It was almost comical because Chris just kept saying all of the things that it normally would have been me saying. {It’s not that I was resistant to the idea, it just took me a bit to change my thinking from IVF to traditional adoption.} I needed to know that he understood adoption wasn’t the ‘easy route’ and that it would require a lot of work {mostly on my part} so I needed his cooperation and support in that.

It didn’t take long for it to settle in and feel like the right decision. Our parents agreed; mine said it was what they had arrived at hoping we would do. By the end of that weekend I was e-mailing the agency we had chosen when our adoption journey first started, and so began the paperwork!

The decision itself was a bit anti-climatic I guess, but it was forward motion that we felt at peace with…and that’s more than we’ve had in months. Traditional adoption was never far from our hearts, and we know it is near to God’s heart, so we have no doubt that we will be walking in God’s will as we join Him in adopting.

It’s all very full circle – we made the decision and got in touch with the agency exactly 2 years to the time we were first doing it. The decision was much easier this time around, to say the least. {When I think back to the struggle it took within me to arrive at that decision two years ago, I just want to wrap the old me up in a hug. Those were hard, hard days.}

I read once that trying to assign meaning to everything is just another way that we try to gain some sort of control over our situation. Maybe that’s what I’m doing here, but as I’ve considered the timeline of everything I wonder at the big picture of what God has been doing. Timing is everything with Him, and I’d like to think that instead of having us just wait, for years perhaps, for a baby by traditional adoption, He allowed us to detour so that we could be a part of another big, beautiful thing with our little ones.

I’m so happy that He allowed us to know them, and my heart is only just beginning to catch up with the thought that He has a grand new beauty for us to be a part of.

Blessed am I.


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