Wrestling with words.

Lately the routine has been this: work all day, paperwork all evening. Huxley is back to groaning every time I open the laptop and just lays there staring at me while making a variety of bored and “I’m so over this” sounds. Chris has been a champ at doing almost all of the cooking, and has even worked away at his parenting classes with minimal complaining. My mom came up this past weekend and helped us measure the house / draw out the floor plan and take pictures of the house.

We’ve hit a few snags here and there {the e-mailing in the form thing has gotten weird on us more than once} but for the most part it’s been a smooth process so far. Boxes are getting checked off at a steady pace and I’ve felt pleased with it all.

Tonight was a big accomplishment because I finally finished the first of the ‘important words’ forms. Important as in this is what the woman who chooses us will read. These are the words that will inform her decision and speak to her heart and breath peace over who we are and all we want for the baby she will place with us. {Well, God is the one who will do the peace breathing and the heart speaking, but in at least a small way it will be through those words.}

And so that’s why I just spent time over 3 days and over 4 combined hours wrestling over 3 short paragraphs.

I pray I got them right. 

 

I wanted them to convey who we are.

I wanted to keep in mind the struggles she will be facing as she reads them. That my “hope” and “excitement” will most likely be met by very different feelings from her.

I wanted to acknowledge in some way that this just isn’t how it should be.

And so I spoke, ever so briefly, to the beautiful mess that adoption is.

I hope she understands my heart.

I hope she knows I wrestle. 

Blessed are we…she & I.

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The Decision to Adopt.

The best way I know to describe it is this…I feel like I was that kid in the pool, panicking and feeling like I was drowning and I didn’t know which way was up, just paralyzed with fear and indecision, until I finally heard someone say “Just stand up – you’re in the shallow end for pete’s sake.”

Yep. {Except minus the drama of life danger and insert more just flipping and flopping and uncertainty.}

For months I’ve been just kind of…floating. Not sure what we were doing, not sure how we were going to pay for it, not sure about much of anything. I didn’t write much because a) busy with work and b) what is there to say when you don’t know what is happening with your life?

I felt like we were leaning toward IVF, and for a while we really were. Or I guess mostly I was. Chris was seemingly on board. We talked with my parents and lined up a plan to pay for it, I started birth control…really all I needed to do was call the doctor and get it going.

But for whatever reason each day, I never actually called. Or emailed.

The feelings {aka tears} started amping up at that point. I finally told Chris that I just needed him to really think about it and decide. After a couple of questions {how bad was it going to be if I never got pregnant being the main one} and a few days, he came back with a strong and confident answer – adoption.

We took a few days to stew on it together; talking it through and reminding ourselves of what it would mean for us, for our family. It was almost comical because Chris just kept saying all of the things that it normally would have been me saying. {It’s not that I was resistant to the idea, it just took me a bit to change my thinking from IVF to traditional adoption.} I needed to know that he understood adoption wasn’t the ‘easy route’ and that it would require a lot of work {mostly on my part} so I needed his cooperation and support in that.

It didn’t take long for it to settle in and feel like the right decision. Our parents agreed; mine said it was what they had arrived at hoping we would do. By the end of that weekend I was e-mailing the agency we had chosen when our adoption journey first started, and so began the paperwork!

The decision itself was a bit anti-climatic I guess, but it was forward motion that we felt at peace with…and that’s more than we’ve had in months. Traditional adoption was never far from our hearts, and we know it is near to God’s heart, so we have no doubt that we will be walking in God’s will as we join Him in adopting.

It’s all very full circle – we made the decision and got in touch with the agency exactly 2 years to the time we were first doing it. The decision was much easier this time around, to say the least. {When I think back to the struggle it took within me to arrive at that decision two years ago, I just want to wrap the old me up in a hug. Those were hard, hard days.}

I read once that trying to assign meaning to everything is just another way that we try to gain some sort of control over our situation. Maybe that’s what I’m doing here, but as I’ve considered the timeline of everything I wonder at the big picture of what God has been doing. Timing is everything with Him, and I’d like to think that instead of having us just wait, for years perhaps, for a baby by traditional adoption, He allowed us to detour so that we could be a part of another big, beautiful thing with our little ones.

I’m so happy that He allowed us to know them, and my heart is only just beginning to catch up with the thought that He has a grand new beauty for us to be a part of.

Blessed am I.

Hebrews 12:28

So I reallllly need to get on here and write a more formal update about life and decisions and how it is that I came to be writing a check and submitting 17 forms to our adoption agency tonight…but I think that’s going to have to wait for another night. 🙂 It’s a goal of mine to really set aside time to write…it always helps when I do…so hopefully I’ll be back on track soon.

Tonight I really just wanted to get down a few thoughts from my reading this morning. {Literally, just a few thoughts. My brain is tired and Chris is grouchy that I brought the computer to bed with me. Ha!} I decided to try to read a passage a day {leading up to Thanksgiving} about thankfulness…trying to really focus in and prepare my heart for the upcoming holiday season.

The portion of scripture I read came from Hebrews 12, specifically verse 28. “Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe.”

In reading that and really thinking about it, I realized how powerful that is and what hope it offers me. Life has been on shaky ground for us, there has been a lot of uncertainty and sadness. But my God is unshakeable, and through Him I gain steady footing and solid ground. Anything that pushes me to look outside of myself and this moment, this phase in life, is good for me. Today’s verse reminded me of the bigger picture and the hope and security I have in Christ.

Blessed am I.