Woe is me…and yet blessed am I.

Okay, so yesterday’s post was a little heavy. I could blame it on a lot of things {like the fact that I looked at the web page for the adoption agency we originally looked at and realized that every other couple we went through orientation with has already welcomed a baby into their family} but the truth is I have been in an overwhelmed, frustrated, emotional state for quite a while now.

The move isolated us from a lot of people who cared and checked in with us and were faithful to pray. That in itself has been a blow. Then visiting new churches led to a lot of questions about if we have children or not and a lot of “Oh yeah, well no hurry! There will always be time for kids later!” responses when we said no. Double blow. {That and they keep trying to stick us in classes with 20 year olds. I guess we look youngish and the no kid thing throws them. But no. Just no.}

Financially it was a very challenging summer for us. We charged the last transfer, then moved, had an insurance switch that was very costly, had a couple of unexpected yet necessary car repairs…then it was the usual start to school costs. All of that would have been enough, but then I did some…retail therapy. And I was nesting and trying to get us settled into our new home and…honestly…just felt desperate to be in control of something and have something in my life be the way I wanted it to be. So that thing became our home and I did some buying to get us there. So all of that equals a drained savings account, paycheck to paycheck in the checking account, and a substantial amount {for us} of credit card debt.

Needless to say, I’m mad at myself, and I battle feeling defensive. We’ve paid off a lot in our marriage {both cars, multiple student loans, etc}; we paid cash for almost $20,000 worth of doctors costs, adoption fees, fertility procedures…and we don’t typically carry credit card debt. I know we shouldn’t have any now and I was wrong to do some of the spending…so now we are just trying to get everything back in order. This past week we were literally the “poorest” we have been since our first year of marriage probably. So defeating, especially considering we need a minimum of $15,000 to do anything that moves us toward a baby.

When I get to counting my woes, I can really go on and on. The feelings of being forgotten…the trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel…the struggle to get on the same page as Chris. The battle against hopelessness. The just plain worn-outness from the beginning of a new school year. The hurts that I won’t let myself write about because there is literally nothing good that could come from doing so.

I’ve struggled in my walk with God, and I know it’s my end. I was grieving for a while…which was really okay I think. But I allowed myself to get stuck in the grief, and that’s not okay. It has resulted in a lot of confusion on my part; in a lack of direction.

But now for some good news. 

As I struggled to unbind my heart {nod to former posts from a Beth Moore simulcast I went to} and pursue God in an open, genuine way…Chris randomly stepped it up. {Randomly meaning by God’s prompting, of course.}

He started reading the Bible to me at night. He started praying for us more willingly and often {not something he is typically opposed to, but it has been a growing process for him}. He started praying that God would change his heart in several areas. It was the type of spiritual leadership I didn’t recognize my need for until after the fact.

Not everything has changed, obviously. But my heart has softened and opened, and I can feel a shift happening. More of a willingness to listen, I guess.

Through our reading in Psalms, it has started pinging me around to different verses and chapters and commentaries. Writing, even just the little I did yesterday, has started to help as well. Reading and writing are my forms of processing, and I wasn’t doing either for a while. I lost my words I guess…or perhaps I shoved them under the couch cushion while I sat in denial.

The scripture I quoted yesterday eventually led me around to the story of Jacob wrestling with God. I’m not done digging into that just yet…it probably needs a post to itself.

So I’ll wrap up tonight’s “woe-is-me” post with these words from a blog post on desiringGod.com…
“Sometimes faithfulness to God and his word sets us on a course where circumstances get worse, not better. It is then that knowing God’s promises and his ways are crucial. Faith in God’s future grace for us is what sustains us in those desperate moments.”

Faith in God’s future grace for me. For me.

I am no doubt in a desperate moment.

But He has a future grace for me, and His word promises that He has not forgotten me.

And if for that reason alone, Blessed am I.

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