7/26/2015 – unfinished

I last sat down to write just short of two months ago. I lot of life has happened in that amount of time. We’ve moved and settled into a new home, welcomed a baby nephew into our family, started visiting new churches, and put probably 10,000 miles on our vehicles with all of the to and fro traveling we’ve been doing. {Okay…maybe 10,000 is a bit of an exaggeration. Math estimation has never been my strong suit.}

So much is new, and yet…so much is the same.

Part of my hiatus from writing has been because of the busyness. That excuse worked through about July. Since then I have been bouncing around quite a bit, but there’s also been a lot of lazing around. So this second part of my hiatus has been because I feel…stuck. Like I’m not even sure what to say, and certainly not sure how to move forward.

We’ve moved everything we had from one town to another…except for a beautiful crib that had to stay in my in-laws spare closet. That was a ‘put on your big girl panties’ moment if I’ve ever had one.

We’ve started having to answer the question of “So do you guys have kids?”…and it makes me feel so anxious. While I know that ‘no’ is the socially appropriate answer, it feels weird to say that after all that we’ve been through. I have mothered little ones, in my own unique way…but there’s no short, easy answer for that.

We’ve been to an appointment with the fertility doctor to talk about IVF…and we still haven’t been able to get past the sticker-shock of knowing that we are going to need at least 15k to move forward with that route. {Why we would even be considering IVF is a different post in an of itself.} Add to that the credit card that is no longer paid off and it’s all quite overwhelming.

We’ve fallen in love, and watched my family fall in love, with just the most precious little guy. I thought I was prepared for him coming, but it turns out there are just aspects of it that couldn’t be prepared for. That’s what loving big does I think…it opens the heart up to all of the big feels, which unfortunately, includes some struggle. It’s not something I particularly care to write about I think, at least right now. All that matters is that I love that baby with all of my heart.

 

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