leaning in.

It’s been just over a week since we found out that our little ones didn’t get to stay. I haven’t done tons of talking about everything…sometimes in this process things happen that cause me to lose my words for a while. My brain works at a million miles an hour in a million different directions and it just takes me a bit to work through that and find my words. That’s where I’ve been…and I’ve spent a few evenings staring at this computer screen wondering what I should type. During that time, God and I have been in an… interesting place.

I wasn’t angry with Him particularly…nor did I completely distrust Him or want to do anything so drastic as walk away from Him. Now to pull away a bit, distance myself as a means of ‘protection’ for my heart…yes, that temptation was there. I remember driving home from work on the day after we found out, and forcing myself to listen to songs that sang of His goodness, of His promise to bring beauty from broken things. I made myself sing, albeit through tears, to “It is Well”…all while my spirit was begging Him to make it well within me. Although I wanted to push back, I knew it was the opposite of what I needed…and so despite the pain, I began to lean in.

I felt that same need when we were at my parents and discussed whether or not we would go to church that Sunday. So many people there have been following our story and praying diligently for us, and we knew that we might have to talk about our loss with some of them. In the end, I felt like it was where I needed to be. The service was a good one…but again I had to make myself sing, make myself listen to the words of encouragement and truth spoken from the pulpit.

It may sound wrong to say it that way…or maybe I’m just not doing a good job of explaining it. But I don’t think God minded that I was “faking it until I could feel it” so to say. Although I didn’t feel like “it was well,” {and I’m still not there 100%} I knew & trusted that God could make it well, so I very intentionally declared that to Him. It was the same with church…pushing past my feelings and forcing my heart to open to Him took much more fight and trust than shutting down & shutting Him out.

At that point in time, I found it very overwhelming emotionally to be in His presence. He has been so near to me, to us, over these last few weeks…and it made me feel vulnerable in a way I found to be difficult once we found that His will was different from what we’d been praying for. I knew He was there…I knew His arms were open to me, His comfort readily available…but I wanted to keep some distance between us. Kind of a “we can be in the same room, but you sit on that couch and I’ll sit over here on this one” kind of thing.

I came across a beautifully written blog by a Christian woman who experienced a miscarriage at 6 weeks. She was farther along than I was obviously, but her words on the grief and pain she felt in experiencing an early pregnancy loss felt like some of the very same words I had been searching for. She said “For several months, I grieved and battled within myself. I remember telling the Lord that if I didn’t know Him so well, I would not have been so hurt and angry with Him. But I DID know Him, and I DID know without a doubt that He had given this life to my womb knowing all the while that I would be brought to the highest of high in my life, only to crash and be utterly broken within weeks. He gave me thins Samuel-baby, knowing that He would soon take this baby home to be with Him and that it would break our hearts.” {From Faith for the Journey

As this past week went on, it was as if the more I sang and prayed to Him, the more emotionally unstable I became. On Thursday night, one week after our beta test, I remember Chris lovingly telling me that I really needed to talk with God…to settle things with Him. I knew it was time, but I felt so hurt that it was hard to allow myself to be wrapped up in His arms. {The best way I know to describe it is this: Sometimes when Chris and I have gotten into an argument, I have felt so hurt by something he’s said or because I don’t feel understood by him. Afterwards he has always opened his arms to me & said “I love you, come here…” But in those moments, I feel torn. I know he is my husband, and that I love him and should go to him…but I’m still so hurt. When that’s happened, I usually take the needed steps toward him, but then stand there and cry while he holds me. After a few moments of that I’m able to hug him back, and from there we are able to make things right between us and move forward.}

All that being said…I’ve been in the “torn” stage. I’m taking tiny steps towards Him, but I’m not there quite yet. I actually made a lot of progress in connecting some of the dots a few nights ago while talking to a close friend of mine. What I figured out was this…

At the end of January, I felt God telling me that I needed to stop living in “and if not” and start living in the joyful hope & expectation of “and if so.” And I did. I allowed Him to settle peace & calmness into my days, I began to allow myself to really think about what our lives would look like with babies. I knew around when I would be due, thought about when I would need to have sub plans for, envisioned Christmas with our babies & our new nephew. During our time of waiting after the transfer I downloaded pregnancy apps, Chris talked to the babies every day…he even announced to someone that I was pregnant with twins. {Yikes!} It was a sweet time for us.

So when I found out that I wasn’t pregnant…that neither little one would be staying with us…I felt so overwhelmingly disappointed and confused. I knew that I would likely never understand all the reasons why, but I was so confused by Him. Why would He have made me leave that place of “and if not”…that place of guarding my heart and shielding my expectations. Had I stayed there, it certainly seems as if this all would have hurt less. Why would He give, just to take away?

What I feel like He helped me understand is this…had He not asked me to move out of that place, the time spent with our little ones likely would have looked much different. For a lot of people, the time leading up to / following the transfer is marked with anxiety and stress. Had we spent that time feeling on edge and counting down the minutes to our blood test, we would have wasted what little time we had with our little ones. Instead, it was a sweet time of peace and love. Chris and I were in a good place, emotionally I was in a good place, and so much love was showered on and prayed over our little ones. I will always be able to look back at their time with us and call it good. There is so much beauty & meaning in that. It doesn’t answer everything, but it gives me a glimpse at the reason He asked me to make myself vulnerable to Him, and to them. Love is worth everything it costs; I know that to be true now.

That seems like a good place to stop for today.

Blessed am I.

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2 thoughts on “leaning in.

  1. Oh my brilliant, beautiful, faithful baby girl. Momma & Daddy could not be more proud of you, and although we worry, we are so amazed that you seek so hard to know our God. As always… we are here.

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