we’ll get there.

{This is one of those posts that is truly mostly just for me…just trying to journal & recount this process and all of the feelings. Not the most captivating or inspired post, but necessary for me to work my way through my thoughts & feelings.}

Friday 

Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning on Friday I woke up from a dream juuust enough to feel confused about what was real and what wasn’t…and then enough to remember that I wasn’t pregnant. I managed to fall back asleep, but when the alarm clock started sounding a couple of hours later it was right back at the forefront of my mind. I remember thinking “But God, I don’t want to live in a world that they aren’t in…” {Not as in I wanted to die, just that the thought of them really being gone was so sad to me.} We’ve known about these little ones since September, we’ve been praying for them specifically for almost a year before that. Once we decided on embryo adoption, we knew that likely our little ones already existed and probably had for years. {We later learned that they were created about 6 months after we were married.}

I pushed it until the last possible minute to get out of bed, and even then it was a struggle. I wanted nothing more than to call in and stay in bed for the day…but on a Kindergarten award assembly & field trip day, that’s just not an option.

I made it through getting ready solely because I prayed each step of the way that God would just get me through it and get me out the door, and was able to hold the few tears that did sneak out at bay. {My eyes were so puffy they hurt…} I had a harder time keeping it together on the drive…I typically listen to christian music but I didn’t dare that morning. Honestly it was all I could do to pray that God would help me hold it together…to enter into a space with Him beyond that would have made me more vulnerable than I could handle at that moment.

School, for a variety of reasons unrelated & outside of my control {plus my state of mind, of course}, was basically a terrible, no-good, very bad day. I made it through, and that’s about all I can say about that. I made it to my car afterwards and cried the entire way home. This time I did play music, and pretty much forced myself to offer parts of the songs as prayers. I’ve learned through this that feelings are fleeting {and they aren’t always true} but that God never changes & loves us beyond measure, even when we feel hurt by Him. So I sang to Him through my tears, both to acknowledge who I know Him to be and to remind myself that He is for me, not against me.

Once home, I texted our close friends to let them know the news, and asked my mom to call my extended family. I just couldn’t do it. Then I packed up all of the medicine & needles and put them away until we need them again. I never thought I would miss those things…but I did, and still do. :/

A bit later, Chris and I drove to my parents house. We hadn’t planned on going before, but Chris knew I would need them…so off we went. It was a good drive for us…we were able to talk about a lot of things and encourage one another. Before bed we talked & grieved with my parents & brother/sister-in-law. That was the last big crying bout I’ve had…

Saturday/Sunday

I slept extra late on Saturday, then we mostly spent the day lounging around the house together. I did send a few e-mails {to the agency, our genetic family, our prayer circle} to let them know.

On Sunday we went to my parents church. I did have to steal dad’s hankie…I held it together pretty much until the pastor came by to speak with us for a moment {he was a big prayer & adoption support for us} and then spoke words of strength & encouragement for those who were hurting from the pulpit. It was good that we went…I’ll write more about that later.

Before Chris & I left on Sunday we had a discussion with my parents about what all of this is going to look like moving forward. We do still have two embryos waiting on us, and we think it would be best to go back for them sooner rather than later. It was helpful to have them think through some of the logistics of that with us, and they continued to speak reassurance and encouragement over us, which was much needed.

It was late before we were back home & in bed, but my soul felt so much more settled after time with my family. I am so blessed to have them, and to have always had a home that was a safe place of rest and peace for me.

Monday & On

Back to work was hard…it’s those quiet mornings & drives that get me. But we’ve been making it through and we will continue to. We’ve had a lot of good family & friends loving on us…I’ll write more about that later. They’ve helped us tremendously, and they’ve made these days easier to handle.

So, we’re pushing on. Right now we are waiting on my period to start…it’s a necessity before we can move forward and will really bring more closure I think. I did take a pregnancy test yesterday…the no-period thing was freaking me out…but of course it was negative. There was no crying…it wasn’t new news.

We are trying to lean in to God and allow those around us to help & comfort us as they feel led. I’m looking forward to next week {spring break}…I’m hoping for some good time to really read back through our journey & pray…to search the Word. I’m still working some things out with God, and I know I need to really make myself fully vulnerable to Him before I can find healing and trust to move forward.

As Chris and I tell each other often, we’ll get there.

Blessed are we.

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