Thursday.

Thursday – Blood Test / Results

Despite feeling nervous about the weather and anticipating the big blood test, Chris and I slept well on Wednesday night. I woke up feeling at peace & well-rested, and spent a little quiet time to myself. When Chris woke up he checked the icy roads, and although he was nervous about us driving he agreed that we could go for the test. {If he had seriously tried to say no I can’t even imagine the fight he would have had on his hands!}

We took the trip slow, but it was basically non-eventful. Had the blood drawn no problem, made sure they knew to send it to our doctors office asap, and off we went.

Not longer after we got home Chris went to work, and I was left to nervously piddle around the house. I managed to do some school work…straighten up a bit…and eventually took advantage of a friend’s offer to run to Target for some dollar aisle browsing. All were decent distractions; I was more nervous and unsettled on Thursday than any other day of the wait.

I had asked our nurse to call and leave a message for us with the results so that Chris and I could listen together. She called before 2 {hence, the need for the Target trip} and Chris wasn’t expected home until sometime between 4 & 5. When he got home from work {and I from Target} we sat down on the couch together to listen. Chris was calm & confident…same as he’d been the entire wait. I felt like I could throw up. We reassured each other that no matter what, we would be fine and we trusted God.

And then we pressed play. 

It was over before it even started really. I could tell by her “Heyyy Heather…” that the news wasn’t good. We held it together through the message, which was a sympathetic “the test was negative, stop your meds immediately, call us after your period starts” kind of thing.

I can’t even say how long we sat there in shock afterwards. There weren’t even tears at first…and then there were. Lots. Silent, endless streams punctuated by sobs.

I definitely can’t even begin to recount all of the thoughts that were jumbled in my mind. I could hardly finish one before the next started, and they were all over the place.

The only thing I remember saying during that time of shock was “I miss them.” It is a terribly heart-wrenching thing to know that there was life in you, only for it to be gone. 

I moved pretty quickly into denial…and started freaking out about not doing our shots for the night. We were nearing our medicine time, and I just panicked. What if we tested too early? What if they were late implanters? What if they were really still there and we stopped the medicine? I e-mailed our nurse, but it took her a few to get back to me. By the time she did, I had talked myself down for the most part…we pay them a lot of money to know what’s going on, after all. Her e-mail confirmed that the hcg level was less than 1, so that was that. We stopped the medicines that night.

Chris called his parents and talked to them to break the news…I can still hear his sobs. :/ I think I pretty much just sat there during that time, then I set about doing all {okay, not all} the things not-pregnant people can do…eating raw brownie batter, drinking sweet tea, taking a super hot bath, taking some Nyquil for my head cold…

We ate some dinner…walked the dog…I don’t even know what else.

A bit later I called my parents. They had been out to eat, so I waited until they were home. The news was a shock…they hadn’t had any idea that we’d even taken the blood test. It was so hard to choke the words out to them…to know how invested they were and how much they had hoped with us that these little ones would get to stay. We cried together, and despite neither them or I even knowing the words to say, it was enough. {Not in the ‘just barely enough’ way, but in the ‘exactly what was needed at that moment way.’} I have incredible parents…they both soothed and strengthened me, even in their own heartbreak.

From there we called our siblings…the brother and I cried together, and my sister-in-law {ever the cheerleader} had the wisdom to speak words of life over our little ones and promised me that they would not be forgotten. It was a good talk, between the three of us…I wish I could remember more of it, but again, it was enough. Throughout the calls my sweet pup jumped up on the couch with me {something he rarely does} and laid his head across my lap. He stayed there for almost 2 hours…unheard of for him, but he knew that I needed him I guess.

We were drained after that, and it was bedtime since we both had work in the morning. We decided telling extended family & friends could wait for another day. Blessedly sleep is rarely ever something that is a problem for me, so we snuggled in, even Huxley.

No doubt, it will be counted as one of the hardest days of my life. Our hearts were broken…twice over really, as we lost two little ones. God was with us though, I know that…and we didn’t grieve as those without hope. Our little ones received a beautiful life, in glory...and we will get to meet them there one day.

Blessed are we.

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