a liberty not afforded to me.

A few posts ago I  wrote out some notes from Beth Moore’s “James: Mercy Triumphs” study. She said something in one of the weekly videos that stuck with me, because I can definitely relate.

It went something like this {paraphrasing here!}…”As an independent person, I was accustomed to doing things “on my own”…but in this situation it was a liberty that wasn’t going to be afforded to me.” This struck me in two ways…

1) Obviously I have learned a lot about how little I can really do “on my own”…I can do nothing apart from Christ. That has been a whole big lesson in and of itself. It’s been a journey of watching and trusting God for each step, even when I can’t see the big picture, don’t know how it will all play out, or understand what He is even doing. It’s been a struggle of not holding tightly to my plans, to recognizing how not-in-control I am…and not letting myself be upset & stressed out about that.

I actually just read something on an infertility/adoption blog a few days  ago that caught my attention…really made me think & spoke to me specifically as we’ve been wondering what God is doing with Chris’ job and our delayed transfer.

From “Adding a Burden: On Not Knowing Why“: “I would do well to slow down and not ascribe meaning to life events too quickly. I’m realizing more and more that this act of constantly trying to interpret the events of my life is just another way I’m trying to hold onto control over it. It prevents me from fully trusting the Father.  Hebrews 11:1 describes faith in this way: “Now faith is assurance of what we hope for and confidence in what we do not see.” If I’m always trying to make the unknown, known and unseen, seen… it’s not really faith, is it? Add to that the fact that when I say things like, “God did this so that xyz would happen” I’m only guessing and often wrong and- well- it’s a recipe for disaster. For hurt, for questioning, and for discontent. I can only do two things when I look into the events of my life: humbly admit I don’t know why and confidently trust that God will not waste the events of my life: he will use them for his glory.”

Then, a few days later, a friend posted Ecclesiastes 11:5, which says this – “Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.

There are moments when the mystery of God & His work drives me mad…but isn’t there such beauty in the mystery? As we look to our transfer in the next couple of days, I’m praying that I’ll be able to spend that two week wait enjoying the mystery of what God is doing within me. He is trustworthy, I have hope & assurance in Him, and He will work it all for His glory. I am totally dependent on God, and I want to stay that way!

2) This quote caught also my attention is because of the inner struggles I have faced as we’ve been so open with our infertility / adoption journey. Chris is just naturally a share-er…he has no filter and will practically tell anyone anything. I am generally quite a bit more reserved than that. Not overly private…I share very personal details with a few and err on the side of discretion with the masses. However, I’ve had random conversations about *very* personal issues/body parts {if only I had a $1 for every time I, or someone I’ve been talking to, has said uterus.} We’ve been far more open with all of this than I would have preferred probably…but it’s really only come back to bite us a few times. If anything, I just find it kind of tiring.

BUT. More often than not, I am amazed at this incredible support system that we have. Our family, friends, church family, coworkers…we’ve received such love & encouragement from them. Because we live in a small town, our family doctor has us on his prayer list. I occasionally meet random new people who have heard about us from so-and-so and are praying for us. Little old ladies at our church are interceding for us with their whole hearts, even as they don’t fully understand what exactly we are doing.

Last night my parents drove in and joined with Chris & I and our in-laws to pray over us and enjoy an evening of chatting and thanking God for what He is doing. {Thanks for planning and coordinating all of that, Debbie!} It was such a sweet time and felt wonderful to have our parents pray over us.

Then today, I felt such a need within me to go to church and worship. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that God had all of the songs and sermon in place for just me, but I will say that the Spirit moved within me and spoke words of bravery, love, and assurance over me. Chris and I prayed together at the alter…well, he prayed aloud and I prayed silently…couldn’t quite choke out the words. There, at the same alter at which I gave my uterus to God {yes, that happened}, I gave our little ones to God. I placed it all in His hands…committed this transfer to Him. I have such joy & excitement in my heart for our upcoming transfer…there is so much less pressure when you give it all to God!

The rest of the morning was filled with hugs, promises of prayers, and an unexpected gift of a beautiful crocheted snowflake blanket to ‘keep me warm while those babies snuggle in.’ Just blew my mind…so sweet!

Truly, truly…these little ones already have such a legacy of love.

I’m rambling here….this post has gotten away from me. All of these words to say…I could not have done this, walked this road, without making myself vulnerable to God and to those around me. I wasn’t created to function independently of others…to handle it all ‘on my own.’ I have seen God at work and I have seen His church at work as countless people have shown me the hands and feet of Christ. I don’t know how I’ll properly thank them all…I just continue to pray that God will pour countless blessings on them. I am so thankful that He pushed me outside of myself in so many different ways – including talking about my uterus in the teachers lounge, with the 70 year old woman sitting next to me at a baby shower, and basically a lot of other people who I never imagined I would talk about my uterus with. 😉

It’s been a beautiful ride.

Blessed am I.

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