But if not.

My brain has not quite been it’s usual self these days. I had a post that I intended / really hoped I would get to write yesterday…but I ran out of day and brain power. It’s something that I want to be said, but I felt like it would be good to put it out there before January was over so that I could start February with my head and heart in a joyful, positive, anything is possible with God kind of place. 

As I was going about my morning today, getting ready quickly & going up to church to volunteer in a basketball concession stand, I was ticking through all of the things that I need to get done this weekend. Right about the time I started feeling bummed that I didn’t take care of that blog post yesterday, I realized that today is still January. There is still time! 🙂 My brain didn’t totally fail me in the end, so here we are…

A few weeks ago at church, my pastor said something that really resonated with me. I’ve shared it on here once, but I’m going to share it again. “We don’t find our security in what God is doing, because we seldom know for certain what He’ll do next. We find our security in who God is, in the promises His word makes about Him.” {paraphrasing here…I was taking quick notes.}

That really resonated with me and helped pull together some of the thoughts I had been working through. We are just under 3 weeks away from our transfer…from the day we’ll meet 2 of our little embies. And the thing is, I just don’t know for certain what God will do. I can’t say that I know 100% He will let them implant & grow into beautiful little babies inside me. I feel like I have to acknowledge that He may give them life…but with Him in glory.

The trouble is, I’ve had a little trouble getting past that. There are people in our life who speak such confidence into our transfer…that it will work…that God will bless us with little ones to hold in our arms before this year is done. I love them for that. I just have trouble committing 100% to that because I know that there is this alternative and I feel like we need to be prepared for it. {It’s probably my personality mostly to blame…I like to be prepared. To have a plan.}

But I’ve felt a distinct impression that I need to lay that to rest. Hence today’s post. I’m going to put it out there. Make my acknowledgments, outline the plan, give it to God. 

And then I’m going to spend the days leading up to our transfer living in a place of joy and expectation…of hope and wonder and peace. 

I read an article a couple of weeks ago {also quoted in an earlier blog post} that pointed me back to Daniel and the familiar story of Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego. They refused to fall down and worship the image made be King Nebuchadnezzer, and were facing being thrown into a blazing furnace as punishment. This was their response in Daniel 3, verses 16 -18…

“O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O King. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Two parts that catch my attention from these verses…

1) ‘…the God we serve is able to save us from it.’

2) ‘…but even if He does not…’

I have no doubt that God is able to make it so that each embryo implants and grows into a healthy baby. No matter what the statistics say, no matter what the medicine regimen or diet plan, no matter nothin’ –  {How’s that for a double negative? Trust me though, I can’t even begin to scratch the surface on all of the different things people do to try to get a positive pregnancy test…and then how many people do the exact opposite for the exact same reason.} embryos implant and result in healthy, successful pregnancies because God deems it so. Period. I don’t believe that means I shouldn’t take the medicines my doctor has prescribed, etc. I just think it means that God is the ultimate authority & the creator of life. His word on the matter is the only word that matters. 

Which means we now find ourselves at the second part of the verse.

But even if He does not.

This is the part I need to put out there. Even if He does not. Even if this transfer does not result in a successful pregnancy. Even if we lose our embryos. Even if He allows one to implant and not the other.

Even if He does not. 

He is still good. There still a purpose. Our little ones will still receive life. They will be redeemed and restored. He will keep our heads above the waves; we won’t drown in despair. He will comfort us. He will bind our broken hearts. He will one day turn our mourning into dancing, our grief to joy. He will work it all for good, for His glory. He will provide. He will redeem and restore us for His glory. 

That’s where I find my security. I know without a doubt that God is able to do all of those things as well…because He has done them for me before. Because that’s the kind of God the word says I serve. Because when I read about my brothers and sisters in Christ, the ones in whose heritage I share, I see that it’s what He’s done for them.

I believe that God led us to embryo adoption. I believe that He has confirmed His plan for us to adopt embryos over and over again. He has provided the money for each step of the process. He has placed people in our lives to speak truth and encouragement. He has given us 4 little ones.

He knows the desire of our hearts. He knows the prayers of the faithful…of those family & friends who have walked this with us. He knows that we are all watching to see what He does next. He knows that we are dreaming of twins by Thanksgiving.

So if the answer turns out to be a ‘no,’ or a ‘not right now’…I will still trust Him. My heart will be broken, no doubt, but not forever. I will not mourn without hope. I will give Him glory for His perfect plan, even when I can’t see it or understand it. I will be thankful that in Christ nothing is wasted. I will praise Him that two of our little ones found life in Him. I will go to Him for peace and healing. I will wait for Him to turn my sorrow to joy. Then, when He says it’s time, we will go back for our other little ones. I will speak life.

And so there it is.

Now let’s try this on for size…

The God I serve is able to spring forth life in my womb through 2 little embryos. And if He does… 😀

Blessed am I.

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