wonder.

As I’ve often written about, music has been a big part of my journey through infertility / adoption / exploring my relationship with God. I’ve listened to many a song on repeat, letting it’s message sink into my skin & heart. Honestly, I didn’t particularly like this song {Wonder, by Bethel Music} when I heard it. It was okay, but just wasn’t right for my frame of mind at that time I guess.

As our transfer drew closer, I listened to it more and more…and it made it’s way onto my repeat list. Simple lyrics, lots of repetition…and yet I came to find that it made me think. It’s the line “you are beautiful in all your ways” that I really came face to face with. {I do this often you know…remember “it is well” from the same album?} Singing it over and over forced me to consider if I was just paying lip-service or if it was something I truly believed, a praise/prayer of sorts I could pray each time I sang. I spent a few days thinking on it, and as He often does, God kept causing it to pop up in front of me in random ways.

Does He really make all things beautiful? 

I’m far enough down this road with Him that I knew it was likely true ;), but I still felt it necessary to examine it against my mind & heart. {I’ll even go so far as to say it’s a conclusion I will continue to struggle through…life is full of ups and downs, and eventually this season will end. But one day, a new trial will come our way. And again, I imagine I’ll have to wrestle with the questions. Is it well? Can He make this beautiful?}

Anyway, I’m getting off track.

On Tuesday, and in the days since, when I look at the pictures of just the tiniest little loves…my heart just sings with the beauty of it, of them, of Him. To be able to glimpse God through these little embryos…to realize how big He is and how small we really are…it’s mesmerizing. I am wide eyed and mystified.

And so, it just seems right. I’m dubbing this “our song.” I imagine it’s how every parent feels when they hold their baby for the first time, or when they feel the first kick…we just got to experience the beauty in different way than most. He fascinates me…the intricacies of new life, that He would allow us a part in it…a glimpse of it.

He has brought beauty from the ashes.

Blessed am I.

Wonder, by Bethel Music

May we never lose our wonder
May we never lose our wonder
Wide eyed and mystified
May we be just like a child
Staring at the beauty of our King
(Repeat x3)

Ooooh oh oh
Fill us with wonder
May we never lose our wonder
May we never lose our wonder
Wide eyed and mystified
May we be just like a child
Staring at the beauty of our King

Cause you are beautiful in all your ways
King of Kings
You are beautiful in all your ways
Ooooh
Cause you are beautiful in all your ways
Just close your eyes
Just close your eyes, you’ll see him
You are beautiful in all your ways
Open the eyes of our heart to see you God

May we never lose our wonder
May we never lose our wonder
Wide eyed and mystified
May we be just like a child
Staring at the beauty of our King
(Repeat x2)

Cause you are beautiful in all your ways
Oh you are, yes you are
You are beautiful in all your ways
We give our lives to sing
Oooh oh oh
Cause you are beautiful in all your ways
Ooooooh
Cause you are beautiful in all your ways
Oooooooooooh
You fascinate me
You fascinate us
You fascinate us, with you are
You fascinate us
You fascinate us
You fascinate us with your love
You are beautiful
You are glorious
You are beautiful
Yes you are
You are beautiful
You are glorious
You are beautiful

You are beautiful in all your ways
You are beautiful in all your ways

May we never lose our wonder

Read more: Bethel Music – Wonder Lyrics | MetroLyrics

1dp6dt

No, that’s not just gibberish. 🙂 It means 1 day past a 6 day transfer.

Hallelujah! *insert angel music & a light shining down from Heaven here*

Yesterday started like a pretty normal day. {Except that we didn’t go to work and it was still freezing temps w/ ice outside.} I woke up, took my morning dose of estrogen, then snuggled onto the couch to spend some time in the Word & writing a letter to my little ones. Afterwards I actually cooked bacon & eggs for breakfast {that, I can assure you, is not normal} and woke the husband up for our big day. We ate, walked the dog, and got ready to go meet our little ones.

The trip to the clinic was pretty non-eventful, despite the ice. Truly, I felt as though I could feel the prayers of so many with us as we drove, and we made it with no problems. I’ve been listening to the Bethel Music album for weeks now, so that was my music of choice for the ride. It helped calm me, put our eyes on Jesus, and was a sweet time for the two of us.

My main instructions for the transfer were to not wear any heavy perfumes or lotions, no powdered make-up, and to arrive with a full bladder. {To help with the ultrasound…} Since we arrived early, and with a full bladder, I decided I had plenty of time to go to the bathroom and then guzzle more water. That was a decent plan, except that I guzzled a bit too much water and then they were over 20 minutes late calling us back for the transfer. There came a point where I could no longer bounce around the waiting room anymore, so I went to the restroom again and then came back out to guzzle more water. {All of this will have a point…hang with it. Ha!}

Shortly after that they called us back, and it all happened pretty quickly from there. We changed into clothes for a sterile environment…hospital gown for me, suit & mask for Chris, booties & hair covers for both of us. The doctor came in to talk us through the procedure, and I received a hospital bracelet that would be used to verify that the right embryos made it to the right person. Afterwards the nurse came in and answered a few medicine questions for us / walked us through our steps for after the transfer. {Mostly do’s, don’ts, when our blood tests will be, etc.}

Oh yes, and they gave us a picture of these beauties.

embryo

Aren’t they the cutest embryos you’ve ever seen? We sure think so!

From there we were off to the transfer room. The doctor & nurses were in a fun mood, there was music playing…it was a happy, exciting environment. I laid down, was introduced to some big ol’ stirrups, and theeeen we met the embryologist. {Yes, please notice I had already met the stirrups by that point.} Anyway, he said that both embryos had survived the thaw and that they were beautiful. {Again, we sure think so!} Quickly after that we got going.

Once the catheter was in, we watched a little screen and saw the embryologist suck up our little ones into a tube. {We didn’t see them to the same magnification that we saw in the picture, they were magnified only enough that we could see tiny dots on the screen.} He walked them straight in to the doctor, who used the catheter to transfer them into my uterus. And then it was done. Just like that, those tiny little lives were inside me. Incredible.

Afterwards we watched the embryologist flush out the catheter to show us that the embryos weren’t still in it, then I was moved onto a bed and rolled into our ‘recover room.’ More sweet times as Chris and I kissed & celebrated that this had really truly happened…lots of ups and downs to get to this point. 🙂

That’s when it turned a little sketchy…remember all that water? I had to go again. Badly. I tried to hold out, but I had to lay still and flat for a while, so the whole situation ended with a bedpan. :{ Oh well, girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Shortly after that we were all done…so I dressed and made 2 more restroom stops on the way home.

I drank a lot of water.

Once home I snuggled in on the couch, under the beautiful & warm snowflake blanket given to me by a friend in my church family. I napped, watched netflix, and of course throughout the course of the day we called and celebrated with our family and friends. My friend Rachel brought over dinner – so sweet.

We had a calm, peaceful evening…us and our little ones.

All in all, lots of answered prayers and celebrations yesterday. We had safe travels through the ice, both little ones survived the thaw, and we had a successful transfer. I felt the strength of Christ through those praying for us, and we got to peek into the wonder & mystery of life itself. It was amazing to see the beauty of God’s plan for our family, for our little ones.

May we never lose that wonder.

Blessed am I.

 

dearest little ones.

Dear Little Ones,

Our big day is here! Today Momma & Daddy are coming to meet two of you, and we’re praying that you will snuggle right in & make yourselves at home. 🙂 We are so excited to see you for the first time – even though you are quite small, you’ve come to take up a big space in our hearts!

Remember when I wrote to you once or twice about how your story has always, always read love? That just becomes more and more true every day. There are so many people praying for us today, so many who are excited to see what God’s plan for us is. Momma has received beautiful notes of encouragement, a handmade snowflake blanket to keep her warm while you snuggle in, and countless hugs in the past few weeks. Your grandparents are just about beside themselves with excitement and joy. Lots of love, I’m telling ya!

There is another family praying for all of us…a very special family. They are the ones who were there when God first spoke life over you, the ones whose genetics you share. Someday you’ll learn more about them, about the decisions that led them to choose us as your parents. Each time we correspond with them it is such a blessing – they have such a strong belief in God’s plan for each of you, as do we. They made a beautiful choice for you, one that just continues to amaze us…especially on a day like today.

I can’t talk to you about love without pointing you back to the one who IS love – the big, mighty God we serve. Some might say you were created by doctors or science, but no dear ones – your creator is our Heavenly Father. He is the author of this story, it is His sovereign will we will be waiting on in the coming days. There is no way to tell our story without pointing back to Him…His provision and plan has guided this entire process. He is good, little ones.

Our prayer is that He will allow you to snuggle in to my womb, that we will get to witness your birth and raise you in Him. We want so much to know you…what you will look like and how you will act. But dear little ones, if God should choose to take you home with Him instead, we will still celebrate your new found life…and we will never forget the days we shared with you. It’s all in God’s hands now, and there’s no one more trustworthy than He is.

The weather is kind of wild today…icy and cold…so Mom & Dad are about to eat breakfast together, then get ready and leave before too much longer so that we can make it safely to you. We are so excited to meet you…you put the wonderful in this wild & wonderful journey we’ve been on to grow our family.

See you soon!

Love,

Momma

1 more day.

On the countdown I keep next to my medicine calendar, today’s number read 1. As in 1 more day until we meet two of our little ones.

EEK!

In typical weird Texas weather style, today ended up being a day off of school because of the ice. The husband and I spent the day lounging around {aka – sleeping late and not venturing far from the couch for me!}, eating Fruity Pebbles {don’t even ask}, and piddling around on our computers. Mid-day we heard from the doctor’s office the time for our transfer tomorrow and we spent the afternoon / evening receiving encouraging texts and phone calls from our family & friends. Lots of love for these little ones!

We’ve laughed and played and marveled at what’s to come and the adventure that tomorrow will be. It’s been a day of calm and peace and assurance…something only our good Father could have given us. We feel ready…and we are so excited to see two of our little ones. It’s been making us grin like fools all day and put this twinkle in our eyes. It’s going to be a good day. 🙂

The only bit of hesitancy…of concern…is this wild weather. The temperature is not supposed to get above freezing until about the time we plan on leaving tomorrow, so the roads are a little dicey. Nothing about this process has come without some complication, and it would seem that this weather is tomorrow’s added measure of fun. However, we are trusting in God’s provision for safe travels to and from the doctors office…so we aren’t spending too much time thinking on it.

So for now, it’s off to bed. I’ll have time to post again in the morning, then’ll we’ll be off on the next chapter of this wild, wonderful story…

Blessed am I!

a liberty not afforded to me.

A few posts ago I  wrote out some notes from Beth Moore’s “James: Mercy Triumphs” study. She said something in one of the weekly videos that stuck with me, because I can definitely relate.

It went something like this {paraphrasing here!}…”As an independent person, I was accustomed to doing things “on my own”…but in this situation it was a liberty that wasn’t going to be afforded to me.” This struck me in two ways…

1) Obviously I have learned a lot about how little I can really do “on my own”…I can do nothing apart from Christ. That has been a whole big lesson in and of itself. It’s been a journey of watching and trusting God for each step, even when I can’t see the big picture, don’t know how it will all play out, or understand what He is even doing. It’s been a struggle of not holding tightly to my plans, to recognizing how not-in-control I am…and not letting myself be upset & stressed out about that.

I actually just read something on an infertility/adoption blog a few days  ago that caught my attention…really made me think & spoke to me specifically as we’ve been wondering what God is doing with Chris’ job and our delayed transfer.

From “Adding a Burden: On Not Knowing Why“: “I would do well to slow down and not ascribe meaning to life events too quickly. I’m realizing more and more that this act of constantly trying to interpret the events of my life is just another way I’m trying to hold onto control over it. It prevents me from fully trusting the Father.  Hebrews 11:1 describes faith in this way: “Now faith is assurance of what we hope for and confidence in what we do not see.” If I’m always trying to make the unknown, known and unseen, seen… it’s not really faith, is it? Add to that the fact that when I say things like, “God did this so that xyz would happen” I’m only guessing and often wrong and- well- it’s a recipe for disaster. For hurt, for questioning, and for discontent. I can only do two things when I look into the events of my life: humbly admit I don’t know why and confidently trust that God will not waste the events of my life: he will use them for his glory.”

Then, a few days later, a friend posted Ecclesiastes 11:5, which says this – “Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things.

There are moments when the mystery of God & His work drives me mad…but isn’t there such beauty in the mystery? As we look to our transfer in the next couple of days, I’m praying that I’ll be able to spend that two week wait enjoying the mystery of what God is doing within me. He is trustworthy, I have hope & assurance in Him, and He will work it all for His glory. I am totally dependent on God, and I want to stay that way!

2) This quote caught also my attention is because of the inner struggles I have faced as we’ve been so open with our infertility / adoption journey. Chris is just naturally a share-er…he has no filter and will practically tell anyone anything. I am generally quite a bit more reserved than that. Not overly private…I share very personal details with a few and err on the side of discretion with the masses. However, I’ve had random conversations about *very* personal issues/body parts {if only I had a $1 for every time I, or someone I’ve been talking to, has said uterus.} We’ve been far more open with all of this than I would have preferred probably…but it’s really only come back to bite us a few times. If anything, I just find it kind of tiring.

BUT. More often than not, I am amazed at this incredible support system that we have. Our family, friends, church family, coworkers…we’ve received such love & encouragement from them. Because we live in a small town, our family doctor has us on his prayer list. I occasionally meet random new people who have heard about us from so-and-so and are praying for us. Little old ladies at our church are interceding for us with their whole hearts, even as they don’t fully understand what exactly we are doing.

Last night my parents drove in and joined with Chris & I and our in-laws to pray over us and enjoy an evening of chatting and thanking God for what He is doing. {Thanks for planning and coordinating all of that, Debbie!} It was such a sweet time and felt wonderful to have our parents pray over us.

Then today, I felt such a need within me to go to church and worship. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that God had all of the songs and sermon in place for just me, but I will say that the Spirit moved within me and spoke words of bravery, love, and assurance over me. Chris and I prayed together at the alter…well, he prayed aloud and I prayed silently…couldn’t quite choke out the words. There, at the same alter at which I gave my uterus to God {yes, that happened}, I gave our little ones to God. I placed it all in His hands…committed this transfer to Him. I have such joy & excitement in my heart for our upcoming transfer…there is so much less pressure when you give it all to God!

The rest of the morning was filled with hugs, promises of prayers, and an unexpected gift of a beautiful crocheted snowflake blanket to ‘keep me warm while those babies snuggle in.’ Just blew my mind…so sweet!

Truly, truly…these little ones already have such a legacy of love.

I’m rambling here….this post has gotten away from me. All of these words to say…I could not have done this, walked this road, without making myself vulnerable to God and to those around me. I wasn’t created to function independently of others…to handle it all ‘on my own.’ I have seen God at work and I have seen His church at work as countless people have shown me the hands and feet of Christ. I don’t know how I’ll properly thank them all…I just continue to pray that God will pour countless blessings on them. I am so thankful that He pushed me outside of myself in so many different ways – including talking about my uterus in the teachers lounge, with the 70 year old woman sitting next to me at a baby shower, and basically a lot of other people who I never imagined I would talk about my uterus with. 😉

It’s been a beautiful ride.

Blessed am I.

pain in my rear.

So the much dreaded progesterone shots {aka “PIO” shots for ‘progesterone in oil} have begun. Because my lining wasn’t cooperating, we’ve already had a little practice with the intramuscular shots. Those were a little bit thinner oil and a little bit of a smaller needle, so it was a good practice. {Those are still happening…every other day both cheeks get a shot!}

Chris has been a champ at giving me the shots…the PIO have been no exception. We have had a few kinks we’re trying to work out…we’re finding that the position of these shots is *very* important in how sore I am afterwards, as well as how slowly he pushes in the medicine.

The first day really went pretty well. The shot itself truly isn’t bad {even though I have to remind myself of that every time we do one}…as a matter of fact when he did it I kind of wondered what the big deal even was. Untillllll I rolled over and stood up. Then I could feel that thick ol’ medicine. And as it got sore, I really understood. I was walking around and sitting down like a little old lady from day 1.

The soreness from day two’s shot was just no good. Terrible even. A big knot, trouble sleeping {because every time I moved my rear would scream “OUCH!”}, a bit of mental distress wondering how I was going to do this for “almost 100 days” {as my dear husband kept reminding me.}

Thank goodness, days 3 & 4 have been better. Maybe we’ve found the sweet spot. I’ve got a new heating pad, which is pretty great.

I even styled my needles & meds into cute little wire baskets & empty soup cans wrapped in yarn. Now everything is accessible and makes me feel happier about my date with the shots every evening at 5:30.

I’m so weird like that.

Blessed am I.

P.S. – To my dear future children…your grandfather said this, and I’m pretty sure we all agree. You are never allowed to give me an ounce of sass…I’m doing some terribly uncomfortable things to get you here. And if you start to forget that…your father and I will remind you. 😉

grief and joy dance.

I’ve been doing a weekly study with a group of girls by Beth Moore called “James: Mercy Triumphs.” A few weeks ago we had a great lesson on the connection between joy and anguish. I’ve been meaning to blog about it {aka – do my usual book report thing so I can keep track of all of these great words!} but yeah…life. So even though I’m in a pretty calm, peaceful spot right now where joy is fairly easy to come by, I had a few moments tonight to get it down on paper. Internet paper that is. 😉

Here goes…thanks Beth Moore for getting me thinking and helping me connect some of those dots in my brain!

James 1:2 – “Consider it pure joy when you experience various trials.” 

We looked at joy {joy that is attached to something or ‘with reason’} and anguish {which conveys an element of mental distress.} Examples of anguish include pain + anxiety, suffering + dread, hurt + harrassment…also meaning “to choke, crush, press, compress, squeeze.”

1) Anguish and joy can coexist. Grief and joy often dance together. Joy is tied more to relationships than circumstances of ‘stuff.’ Anguish is often the same way. 

2) Anguish and joy can trade places. 

Isaiah 61:1-3 – “The Spirit of the Lord God is on Me, because the Lord has anointed Me … to provide for those who mourn in Zion; to give them a crown of BEAUTY INSTEAD of ASHES.”

3) The source of anguish can morph into joy. 

– Your pain often becomes your passion.

– When your nightmare leads to your dream.

4) Mental anguish can be like the mind in labor. {Psalm 55:1-5, see v. 4} 

5) Anguish is meant to lead to a birth. {John 16:20-22}

– You must trust God with your anguish.

Don’t give up at the peak of the pain – the baby is on the way. Believe Him for the birth. 

That seems like a good place to leave it for today. The baby is on the way. Believe Him for the birth. 

Amen and amen.

Blessed am I.

Woohoo!

It’s been a few days since our last appointment with the doctor…the one that didn’t go quite as expected. In the days since, our medicine made it here through the east coast snow storm. Our paramedic friend came over with his wife to give me the first shot {it’s one of the bigger ones that goes in my hip – not quite as big as what’s coming} and to give a ‘lesson’ to the others on shot-giving. It was surprisingly *not* as bad as I had thought it might be. I barely felt the needle / medicine, and although it left a little bruise/knot, it was nothing terrible. Now once I’ve been doing the shots everyday, the situation may change a little…we’ll see!

Then on Friday, Chris gave me a shot all by himself. I am so proud of him – it was a hard thing for him to do. He went for it though, and it was all good – didn’t hurt at all. He did another one today…he’s basically becoming an old pro. 😉

Today we had our check-in with the doctor to see if my lining was looking better. It was a quick visit…slightly uncomfortable, but ended with good news! My lining is up to around 7.5, the doctor said the “architecture” of my uterus looked really good {weird, but yay!}…so we’re back on track! I got a new schedule…continue with what I’m doing now for a few more days, add in the progesterone shots {from here on out to be called PIO shots} on Thursday, then transfer two of our little ones on the 24th!

We are relieved, excited, and praising God for today’s good news. The 24th will be here before we know it! {Interesting tidbit – 24 is my mom’s & my favorite number!} Chris and I spent the rest of the day celebrating Valentine’s day {a day late} with hibachi, the gun range, and a little shopping. Happy day, happy news!

Blessed am I!

My first pregnancy.

I’ve been wanting to blog for daayyyysss. But obviously, it just hasn’t been happening. One of my transfer-cycle preps has been to go to bed/sleep as close to 9 p.m. as I can {I figure a well rested body is a happy body} so that cramps blogging style a bit. Add to that school work, baby shower prep, Beth Moore bible study, a trip home to see the family…well you get it.

Most of the transfer-cycle hasn’t seemed like a big deal. I got the hang of the little shots; I can do those no big deal. I started taking my estrogen pills and didn’t turn into a hormone-crazed ogre or anything. Probably a little edgier than normal, a bit snappier at times {sorry again mom :/}. There have been a couple of can’t-stop-crying-not-sure-why-I-started moments, and I’ve fought feeling overwhelmed at times. Hard to say if the estrogen is to blame for all of that though. Overall, it’s been fine. I tried to cut back on caffeine, drink more water, and be well rested.

I had my second check-in with the doctor. Last time my uterus was thin & “calm.” The goal for this second appointment was for it to be thick & fluffy. Everything started out fine…had my blood drawn, joked around with the doctor. The ultrasound was fast, but I could tell he wasn’t exactly pleased. Turns out my lining was at a 3.something…and he was hoping to see it around a 7. :/

No bueno. 

So the new plan became this – push the progesterone shots & transfer back {womp womp} and add in an additional estrogen shot. Both my doctor & nurse were bummed for me, but tried to reassure me that we have time to get this cycle back on track. {The doctor acted kind of confused with my uterus…he said I’ve had a great lining in the past.} The nurse called in the prescription to the pharmacy, scheduled me to come back in on Sunday to check the lining again, and sent me off with one of those grimace/smile faces.

I took the news well…no tears at that time. {There were a few later while God and I worked out how I am not quite understanding what’s going on with the timing here…} I wandered around doing a little dazed shopping…honestly feeling stumped. I decided it couldn’t hurt to try some of the old things a lot of women do religiously – POM juice {pomegranate}, raspberries, raspberry leaf tea, avocados, so I loaded up on those things at Target.

At one point in the afternoon I had a really fun {insert sarcasm here} conversation with the lady at the pharmacy about how a) the generic version of the medicine I needed was out of stock, which left me getting the over $400 version, and b) how the snowstorm the east coast is getting right now would mean I couldn’t get the medicine until Wednesday. Awesome.

And then somewhere in there Chris called and said he had gotten a call for a job interview the next day {yay!} and that they said he would need a suit jacket and tie. It turned into a bit of a long day…driving and suit shopping and scratching our heads about what in the world was going on. Definitely an up and down kind of day. 

I was so happy to pop a couple of Tylenol’s for my headache and go. to. bed.

Tuesday was a better day from the start. Thanks to God I had a great nights sleep, Chris felt really good about his interview, I felt encouraged by the Word and family/friends, and it was an incredibly beautiful, sunny day. I even had the wonderful surprise of Chris showing up at the end of the school day with a beautiful bouquet of tulips from the florist. He was still wearing his suit, so he was looking really good…totally melted my heart. 🙂

Today the medicine was delivered, and I called in our friend the paramedic to come give me the first shot. {These were intramuscular…longer needles. Not quite as big a gauge as the needle the progesterone will take, but definitely bigger than the little shots I give myself each morning.} His wife and Chris watched and got the tutorial from him…they’re on my shot-giving team. {Yep. I have a team for that.} I had been so busy today that I didn’t have much time to work up into being nervous, and because I was running short on time I didn’t have time to pre-heat my hip like I had planned. 😉 In the end, I was very pleasantly surprised that the first shot wasn’t that bad. I didn’t really feel any of it, and the needle wasn’t as long as it had grown to in my imagination. I could feel the medicine afterwards…it will be a little sore. I can see how they won’t be fun once my rear is sore all over, but for today – victory!!

It’s basically a waiting game until Sunday. My village of prayer-warrior have graciously agreed to pray for my uterus {I owe these people big time.} and I’m praying that God will use this as an opportunity to really show up & show off. He’s the creator of this body, the author of this story – so it’s up to Him to thicken this lining up!

#thingsyouneverexpecttosay

Oh yes. About that “my first pregnancy” heading. I’ve decided it feels like I’m trying to birth a pregnancy here. Then once we’ve gotten to that point, we’ll have another whole pregnancy to actually birth the babies. It’s kind of exhausting to think about at times. The route that I thought would be faster is actually proving to be twice as long. But, as Chris and I like to say, we’re going to make it. And as everyone else likes to say, once we are holding our little ones, it will all be worth it. And God is definitely up to something here…so I’m willing to see it through. 😉

Blessed am I.

But if not.

My brain has not quite been it’s usual self these days. I had a post that I intended / really hoped I would get to write yesterday…but I ran out of day and brain power. It’s something that I want to be said, but I felt like it would be good to put it out there before January was over so that I could start February with my head and heart in a joyful, positive, anything is possible with God kind of place. 

As I was going about my morning today, getting ready quickly & going up to church to volunteer in a basketball concession stand, I was ticking through all of the things that I need to get done this weekend. Right about the time I started feeling bummed that I didn’t take care of that blog post yesterday, I realized that today is still January. There is still time! 🙂 My brain didn’t totally fail me in the end, so here we are…

A few weeks ago at church, my pastor said something that really resonated with me. I’ve shared it on here once, but I’m going to share it again. “We don’t find our security in what God is doing, because we seldom know for certain what He’ll do next. We find our security in who God is, in the promises His word makes about Him.” {paraphrasing here…I was taking quick notes.}

That really resonated with me and helped pull together some of the thoughts I had been working through. We are just under 3 weeks away from our transfer…from the day we’ll meet 2 of our little embies. And the thing is, I just don’t know for certain what God will do. I can’t say that I know 100% He will let them implant & grow into beautiful little babies inside me. I feel like I have to acknowledge that He may give them life…but with Him in glory.

The trouble is, I’ve had a little trouble getting past that. There are people in our life who speak such confidence into our transfer…that it will work…that God will bless us with little ones to hold in our arms before this year is done. I love them for that. I just have trouble committing 100% to that because I know that there is this alternative and I feel like we need to be prepared for it. {It’s probably my personality mostly to blame…I like to be prepared. To have a plan.}

But I’ve felt a distinct impression that I need to lay that to rest. Hence today’s post. I’m going to put it out there. Make my acknowledgments, outline the plan, give it to God. 

And then I’m going to spend the days leading up to our transfer living in a place of joy and expectation…of hope and wonder and peace. 

I read an article a couple of weeks ago {also quoted in an earlier blog post} that pointed me back to Daniel and the familiar story of Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego. They refused to fall down and worship the image made be King Nebuchadnezzer, and were facing being thrown into a blazing furnace as punishment. This was their response in Daniel 3, verses 16 -18…

“O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O King. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”

Two parts that catch my attention from these verses…

1) ‘…the God we serve is able to save us from it.’

2) ‘…but even if He does not…’

I have no doubt that God is able to make it so that each embryo implants and grows into a healthy baby. No matter what the statistics say, no matter what the medicine regimen or diet plan, no matter nothin’ –  {How’s that for a double negative? Trust me though, I can’t even begin to scratch the surface on all of the different things people do to try to get a positive pregnancy test…and then how many people do the exact opposite for the exact same reason.} embryos implant and result in healthy, successful pregnancies because God deems it so. Period. I don’t believe that means I shouldn’t take the medicines my doctor has prescribed, etc. I just think it means that God is the ultimate authority & the creator of life. His word on the matter is the only word that matters. 

Which means we now find ourselves at the second part of the verse.

But even if He does not.

This is the part I need to put out there. Even if He does not. Even if this transfer does not result in a successful pregnancy. Even if we lose our embryos. Even if He allows one to implant and not the other.

Even if He does not. 

He is still good. There still a purpose. Our little ones will still receive life. They will be redeemed and restored. He will keep our heads above the waves; we won’t drown in despair. He will comfort us. He will bind our broken hearts. He will one day turn our mourning into dancing, our grief to joy. He will work it all for good, for His glory. He will provide. He will redeem and restore us for His glory. 

That’s where I find my security. I know without a doubt that God is able to do all of those things as well…because He has done them for me before. Because that’s the kind of God the word says I serve. Because when I read about my brothers and sisters in Christ, the ones in whose heritage I share, I see that it’s what He’s done for them.

I believe that God led us to embryo adoption. I believe that He has confirmed His plan for us to adopt embryos over and over again. He has provided the money for each step of the process. He has placed people in our lives to speak truth and encouragement. He has given us 4 little ones.

He knows the desire of our hearts. He knows the prayers of the faithful…of those family & friends who have walked this with us. He knows that we are all watching to see what He does next. He knows that we are dreaming of twins by Thanksgiving.

So if the answer turns out to be a ‘no,’ or a ‘not right now’…I will still trust Him. My heart will be broken, no doubt, but not forever. I will not mourn without hope. I will give Him glory for His perfect plan, even when I can’t see it or understand it. I will be thankful that in Christ nothing is wasted. I will praise Him that two of our little ones found life in Him. I will go to Him for peace and healing. I will wait for Him to turn my sorrow to joy. Then, when He says it’s time, we will go back for our other little ones. I will speak life.

And so there it is.

Now let’s try this on for size…

The God I serve is able to spring forth life in my womb through 2 little embryos. And if He does… 😀

Blessed am I.