Is it well?

In my last post, I wrote out the lyrics to 2 of the songs I’ve been listening to on repeat from Bethel music. So, so good. I finally got around to listening to more of the album and added a couple more songs to that repeat list. Shepard & We Dance…I’ll probably post about those tomorrow. 🙂

But here’s the thing. 

It’s kind of like when we were in the middle of figuring out our infertility and how God would have us to grow our family and I kept singing Oceans by Hillsong. You don’t just sing songs like that to God…with your whole heart…and not expect Him to act. I sang with my all for Him to ‘take me deeper than my feet could ever wander‘ – and He did just that. I had never imagined my feet wandering into this wild thing called embryo adoption, but here we are!

So when I got stuck on singing “it is well with my soul” for days on end, I should have seen what was coming. It certainly wasn’t long before I found myself having to answer the same question…over and over again.

Is it really well with your soul?

Is it well with your soul when one of your best friends has her adorable baby and you struggle with feeling like you’ve been left behind somehow? When you worry that the dynamic will change between the two of you?

Is it well with your soul when you hear people talking about how a baby looks ‘just like mom’ or ‘has dad’s features’ and you are reminded again that your child won’t have your husbands curls or dimple or color-shifting eyes?

Is it well with your soul when you want to be buying baby things alongside your sister-in-law, but you know it’s not time for that yet.

Is it well with your soul when you host your 6th baby shower since your infertility journey began and have at least another 2 coming up?

Is it well with your soul when a big box of needles and medicine shows up on your front door step?

Is it well with your soul when you are struggling to get your husband to understand what you are feeling and what you desperately need from him?

And from today…is it really well with your soul when you have to give yourself shots to manipulate your body into being ready for a FET?

It’s one thing to say those words…it is well…but it’s a far different thing to live them out. I can’t say I answered each question with an automatic “Yes!”…and some were definitely easier to work through than others. The showers and new babies were pretty quick for me to work through…showers are fun and babies are sweet and I love and trust my friends tremendously…and honestly, it’s just not new ground for me to cover. Thinking about how our babies probably won’t look like us stings, but again…not new. The basic plan each time was to  follow my usual MO – sort through the feelings, commit to the Lord that yes, it was well with my soul, and move on with it.

The medicine is a new thing though, so it has taken a bit more for me to sort through those feelings. So many feelings with this infertility / adoption journey!

Leading up to the medicine, I would say I was…hum. I honestly don’t know the word for it. I wasn’t nervous per say, and I felt mostly prepared. I knew it shouldn’t really hurt, but I wasn’t sure what it would do to me as far as side effects went. {Still not, actually.} Chris and I had worked out our business and had a plan in place {I just wanted to do the first one on my own…I felt like an audience would only make me nervous.} We had dear friends and family praying for us and encouraging me. I had decided on which song I would play {‘You Make Me Brave’ of course!}  for that first shot, and I had watched the tutorials online. I felt goodish, I guess.

But when it actually came time to do that first shot this morning…I found myself tearing up. I felt a sense of grief/sadness that this is a necessary part of our journey…that it has to be so involved and hard. I felt a bit isolated…I felt my spirit beseeching my God to ‘please let this work’…and in that moment, I felt overwhelmed. I fought through the tears, prepped the needle, pinched a piece of belly fat {first time I’ve had a reason to be thankful for that!}, stuck it in…and felt absolutely nothing. Not a thing. That was the silver lining for sure.

And then I took all of a minute to sob into a washcloth. The entire time I kept hearing “Is it well? Is it really well Heather?

I dried my face, gathered my things, and took Huxley for a walk…listening to ‘it is well’ and fighting to sort through this thing that is to be my new normal for the next month. {Hopefully for the next 3 months.} I tried to pray, but mostly ended up doing that thing where the Holy Spirit had to intercede for me.

And then, He settled it. 

It is well. It isn’t fun. It isn’t what I would have planned.

But it is well. He is with me. I have the love of a husband and family and circle of friends & believers supporting me. I have little ones waiting on me. I have a God who is doing something bigger than me here, something that demands we turn our eyes to Him and give glory that He is the giver and sustainer of life.

Not to say I won’t have to sort through this again when it’s the big shots I’m facing…but God has helped me work through it once – He’ll do it again.

He is good and it is well with my soul. 

So tonight I go to bed thankful, and tomorrow I’ll wake up and give myself shot #2. I’m not expecting tears. 🙂

Blessed am I.

P.S. – At the advice of my sister-in-law, Chris had a bouquet of lovely flowers and a cupcake waiting on me when I got home today. He’s a good man.

 

 

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