right where we need to be.

Yesterday I took half a day off of work and drove up to the big city for my first check-up with the fertility specialist since starting my meds. It was pretty routine really…wrote them a big fat check {this time to pay for the storage of our little embies!}, popped into the lab for blood work, turned over a bunch forms {most of which were notarized}, and then it was time for the stirrups. {Turns out there are quite a few stirrup jokes among women in infertility land. As well as groups you can join to get someone to send you a pair of fancy socks to wear while your feet have to be in the stirrups. I haven’t joined said groups, but I have been on the look out for some great socks…}

But I digress.

Our regular doctor wasn’t in, so I saw his associate…who looked to be about my age. Or younger. Is younger even possible? Could I already be a full fledged, on my own doctor at 30? {I should be able to answer this…my parents took out a loan to send me to medical camp one summer.}

But I digress.

The ultrasound itself was pretty quick. She said that my ovaries and uterus looked “calm”…which is good. I don’t know that calm was the word I was expecting to hear per say, but as long as it’s good – I’ll take it!

I had a quick check-in with my nurse to go over the forms {even still, there was one missing later…so it’s back to our good friend the notary yet again} and to make sure I was on track with my meds. Oh and to see if we’ve had our visit with the psychologist yet.ย 

Wait, say what?ย 

*Sigh* Turns out, we have to talk toย yet another person to demonstrate our understanding that we are transferring ‘donated tissue’ {medical term, not mine} and will therefore be raising a child who is not genetically related to us.

I get why this is an important conversation to have. I really do. It’s why we’ve had this very conversation. Over and over again. With God. With ourselves. With each other. With our families, With our pastor. With half of our church. With the social worker who did the home study. With the agency. With the doctor. With random people. {That last one is mostly on Chris’ part.} There’s been a lot of talking surrounding every bit of this process.

So yes, it was a bit frustrating to hear that there is another hoop to jump through….especially when we are right here at the end. {And I’m sure this lady ain’t free, so it was a bit frustrating to hear that we’re going to have to pay more money.}

I took the day to roll my eyes about it, but by now I’m in ‘fine, let’s check this off our list then’ mode. Hopefully it will be done within a week or so and I’m praying there are no more surprise to-do’s.

Beyond that, I’m starting my estrogen pills tomorrow and decreasing my lupron. Praying that a) my body will react the way it is supposed to, b) I won’t have any weepy / mean side effects. I’m thankful that this one is in pill form, so yay for that.

So that’s where we’re at. Right where we need to be! ๐Ÿ™‚

Blessed am I.

a few last thoughts.

Not last thoughts as in the end of this blog. Just a few last thoughts as in the last {for now} of the things I’ve been reading/hearing that I want to keep track of. ๐Ÿ™‚

From a sermon a couple of weeks ago called “Knowing Our God” by my pastor Nathan Buchanan.

“Not to us, O Lord, not to us – but to your name be the glory because of your love and faithfulness!” – Psalm 115:1

Life is all about God – He is glory. He can be trusted because of His love and faithfulness.

We know that God is with us, but seldom do we know what he’ll do next in our lives. We don’t get our security from what God is doing, but in who He is.ย 

From “James: Mercy Triumphs” by Beth Moore

In Christ, family does not shrink, it grows.

Sometimes God has to take us over here to prepare us to go back over there. ๐Ÿ™‚

Every struggle you go through is meant to make a space for grace.

Entitlement caves to the earthquake of grace.

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Blessed am I.

home life.

Back to my cataloging of the random thoughts that have been speaking to me lately. Our church subscribes to “Home Life” magazine, so each month I pick up a copy to read while taking a bubble bath. {I am a woman of routine, after all.} The last one that I picked up just kept hitting me in the face, over and over again, with words that spoke straight to my head & heart. By the end of the magazine I was just like “Okay God, I get it, I get it.” Ha! Here are some of the thoughts from the January issue…

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From “Margaret Feinberg: Fight Back with Joy” by Emily Ellis

*Joy emanates out of the abiding sense of God’s fierce love for us. The two are intertwined. It’s interesting that in the listing of the facets of the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5, joy follows love. When we know how much we are loved by God, joy percolates in our hearts. We walk lighter, laugh harder, smile wider – even in the spooky face of adversity.

*”But if not.” Followers of Jesus live in a tension. On one hand, we are the people who ask, ‘What if God?’ as we seek His will, His power, and His redemption for our lives. We know nothing is impossible for God. He can cure any disease, meet any financial need, mend any relationship. But we also know sometimes people still die, declare bankruptcy, and divorce. Yet we are encouraged to keep seeking God and His miraculous power – to heal, restore, and redeem – in our lives as well as in the lives of those we love. That’s why we must also declare “But if not,” much like Shadrach, Meschack, and Abednego did in Daniel 3. Even if God doesn’t respond in the way we hope or ask for, we will still be a people who walk boldly in faith.

From “Feeling Behind?” by Leeana Tankersley

*…. For any number of reasons within or beyond our control, we feel behind. I wonder how many of us are living out of that internal pressure to catch up and keep up more than we realize.ย What happens, unfortunately, when we ask our desires to arrive in certain ways, is that we end up squeezing the neck of life. We end up grasping for control.

*All I do by trying to force the fantasy is make myself, and my husband, crazy, and I miss what’s happening right under my nose in the glorious impermanence of our life today.

*Everything I throw into the void….is consumed. The only way out is to take Christ’s hand, the one He is always extending to me, offering me the way into the wide-open field. …A sense of breathing room. Spaciousness instead of the squeeze.

*The problem is, Christ so very rarely offers us the solution we believed would make everything feel better. Usually the breathing room arrives because we finally, in our fleshy exposed humanity, let go of the striving and allow Him to love us – fully, deeply, inexplicably – right where we are.

*You want something, too. Something isn’t arriving in the timing you’d assumed it would. And it’s okay. These are the desires of our hearts. They are soul-longings. They are good things. The problem isn’t desire. The problem is what we do with our desire when we feel like we’re behind in satisfying it. Christ reaches down, as we are drowning in our various and individual voids, offering us breathing room. If we will stop our striving and writhing, and take His hand, we will be saved.

From “Changing for Good: One adoptive mother writes an open letter to the father-to-be” by Tammy Darling

*My husband loves this little boy we have yet to meet every bit as much as I do, but because he’s wired differently, he handles it differently. He loves receiving our adoption updates, prays for our little guy every day, then goes about his daily routine. I, on the other hand, am a Mama. And that, I believe, is at the heart of the “change” my husband sees in me. While he can go on day by day as usual, I can’t. Instead of carrying this child in my womb, I am carrying him in my heart. And my heart is becoming heavy. I can’t feel him kicking. I can’t see his growth via sonogram. I can’t hear his heart beating. But from the moment we started the process, he became a part of me.

*Living in the present makes me face some hard realities that I don’t want to deal with. …. “This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it,” says Psalm 118:24. I want to enjoy and appreciate the gift of today, but I need you to remind me of the blessings and beauty right before my eyes. …. Subtle reminders will help me to fully live in the present and not just for the day.

*The truth is that sometimes I get so caught up in the whole adoption process that I don’t really know what I need until I stop and think about it.

*”Delayed hope makes the heart sick.” Proverbs 13:12 is a verse that has become very real to me. I need to know that there’s light at the end of the adoption tunnel and that one day it will happen. On my good days, I know without a doubt that this adoption process will all be worth it. Other days, I wonder. I doubt. I lose hope. It is those days, especially, that I need your encouragement.

*Adoption was never meant to separate us, as we are currently separated from our son. Instead, my heart’s desire is that this process will bring us closer together, day by day. And just think, with each passing day, we are one day closer to bringing him home!

*I know our son is in God’s hands and that He has a marvelous plan that I just can’t fully see through the fog of waiting.

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There was even more good stuff, but that’s the bulk of what I read that is related to what I typically blog about here. I just love a word from God!

Blessed am I.

the big 3-0!

Yesterday was my 30th birthday…and it was pretty grand! ๐Ÿ™‚ I celebrated with my mother & sister-in-law a couple of weekends ago {my sil’s birthday is a few days before mine} and I went out with the husband on Friday night for a tasty dinner at Olive Garden. Yesterday he & I met his parents for breakfast, then later in the afternoon my oldest friend {as in we’ve been close since we were 12} came in to hang out with me. Since I don’t completely have my life together these days, my best girl friends put together a girls dinner for me at Rio Mambo. Not all of my closest girls were able to come, but 5 beautiful friends joined me to celebrate. My friend Rachel made a beautiful & tasty strawberry ombre cake, and several of the girls put together an incredible gift of all of my ‘favorite things.’ It’s always a fun time when we get together! ๐Ÿ™‚

The husband really came through for me and made my weirdo birthday dreams come true…big number balloons! It’s all I asked him for…a big 3 and 0. Since we live in a small town, they weren’t the easiest to track down…he ended up having to drive over an hour each way to pick them up. {On a day he wasn’t feeling good, no less!} They were bigger and even more glorious than I could have imagined…I love them so much. He made me so happy!

A few pictures from the day…

30

30a 30b

Blessed am I! Hopefully next year we’ll have a couple of babies to celebrate with us!

love, hugs & prayers.

Yesterday we received our first personal correspondence from our genetic family. I knew it was on it’s way because of the heads up I received from the agency {all correspondence goes through them at this time} and I was definitely anticipating it’s arrival. It turned out to be a Christmas card with a very sweet note written inside and a picture of their children. {Adorable!} Chris read the card out loud to me, we oohed and aahed over the picture, and I felt so encouraged by her words. It is obvious that she has fully released the embryos to us and sees them as ours, and she is looking forward to babies for us and seeing their pictures one day. It meant so much to me that she saw us & these snow babies as ‘meant to be’ according to God’s plan…I just keep thinking of what incredible people they must be to come alongside us in this way! The other thing that I loved {can you tell that I loved receiving a card from her?!} was how she just talked about everything with such certainty…like we already have full-fledged babies on the way. I have a lot of really encouraging people in my life, and a handful of people who speak such certainty and peace into our family…it’s really cool that she is in that group. ๐Ÿ™‚

On a funny note, there is one of their children who Chris always gets a kick out of in pictures…and we learned via the picture that one of their boys shares Chris’ name. We’re not positive that it’s the same one Chris loves in the pictures…but we’re going with it like he’s one and the same. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Love, hugs, & prayers is how she signed off on her letter…wishing I could send the same back to her right now!

Blessed am I.

screenshot thoughts.

I’ve been amassing quite a collection of scripture, quotes, thoughts, etc…today’s goal is to the first round of them in a central place. All of today’s thoughts come from screenshots on my phone, so not all are properly referenced. womp womp.

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Psalm 115:3 – “Our God is in Heaven; he does whatever pleases him.”

“The will of God will not take us where the grace of God cannot sustain us…” – Billy Graham

Romans 5:5 – “Hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”

“The hope of the world is not determined by the limitations of human circumstance, but the fullness of God’s gift.”

“Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.”

“Should I never receive the things I desire, Still I will rejoice in the Lord.”

“No, I am not sad. I have been sad. I have mourned deeply. But I rejoice. I rejoice in God’s gracious goodness, His hand of mercy in the midst of my pain, and His brilliant promise of salvation.” – Natasha Metzler

“I am not a face of infertility. I am a face of His promises kept.” – Elisha

Song: “If You Want Me To” by Ginny Owens

Song: “Already There” by Casting Crowns

“Be brave! Do not pray for the hard thing to go away, but pray for a bravery to come that’s bigger than the hard thing.” – Ann Voskamp

“If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the battle you are fighting.”

Song: “Holding On” by Jamie Grace

…and if not, He is still good…

“In light of the consistent biblical message that all human life, preborn and born, is of incredible worth and deserving of our rescue, it certainly seems clear that we have a divine mandate to preserve and protect the unborn.”

“…{this movie} touches on trusting God to provide for your needs and to trust Him when things don’t make sense. And, the feelings of inadequacy we can sometimes feel when God, who is perfect, asks us to do something so big when we are just imperfect and small.”

“A part of living by faith and not by sight are moments of questioning. Your faith has never been tested if it’s never been questioned.”

“I can’t say for sure that you’re meant to adopt. But chances are, you’re meant to be impacted by adoption. In one way or another, I believe you’re meant to see that what the world calls brokenness can be a thing of sure beauty, adorned in the best possible ways, unexpected and entirely holy.” – Flower Patch Farmgirl

“One of the magical things about adoption is that God always knows. It doesn’t come as a surprise to Him. His walls are lined with family pictures that would take our breath away if we were to get just a glimpse.” – Flower Patch Farmgirl

A prayer from unveiledwife that I’ve been reading/praying over this week: “Dear Heavenly Father, I am weak. I am emotional. I am in need of comfort, encouragement, and wisdom. I pray that You would help me be strong. I also pray my husband would come along side me and help me be strong. May his words be comforting and understanding. May he validate me, but also point me toward You! I pray that when I am weak I will run to You and look to You to fulfill me. In any and every circumstance may You be glorified. In Jesus’ name – Amen!”

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So thankful for the many ways God speaks to me…more to come from other places!

Blessed am I.

Is it well?

In my last post, I wrote out the lyrics to 2 of the songs I’ve been listening to on repeat from Bethel music. So, so good. I finally got around to listening to more of the album and added a couple more songs to that repeat list. Shepard & We Dance…I’ll probably post about those tomorrow. ๐Ÿ™‚

But here’s the thing.ย 

It’s kind of like when we were in the middle of figuring out our infertility and how God would have us to grow our family and I kept singing Oceans by Hillsong. You don’t just sing songs like that to God…with your whole heart…and not expect Him to act. I sang with my all for Him to ‘take me deeper than my feet could ever wander‘ – and He did just that. I had never imagined my feet wandering into this wild thing called embryo adoption, but here we are!

So when I got stuck on singing “it is well with my soul” for days on end, I should have seen what was coming. It certainly wasn’t long before I found myself having to answer the same question…over and over again.

Is it really well with your soul?

Is it well with your soul when one of your best friends has her adorable baby and you struggle with feeling like you’ve been left behind somehow? When you worry that the dynamic will change between the two of you?

Is it well with your soul when you hear people talking about how a baby looks ‘just like mom’ or ‘has dad’s features’ and you are reminded again that your child won’t have your husbands curls or dimple or color-shifting eyes?

Is it well with your soul when you want to be buying baby things alongside your sister-in-law, but you know it’s not time for that yet.

Is it well with your soul when you host your 6th baby shower since your infertility journey began and have at least another 2 coming up?

Is it well with your soul when a big box of needles and medicine shows up on your front door step?

Is it well with your soul when you are struggling to get your husband to understand what you are feeling and what you desperately need from him?

And from today…is it really well with your soul when you have to give yourself shots to manipulate your body into being ready for a FET?

It’s one thing to say those words…it is well…but it’s a far different thing to live them out. I can’t say I answered each question with an automatic “Yes!”…and some were definitely easier to work through than others. The showers and new babies were pretty quick for me to work through…showers are fun and babies are sweet and I love and trust my friends tremendously…and honestly, it’s just not new ground for me to cover. Thinking about how our babies probably won’t look like us stings, but again…not new.ย The basic plan each time was to ย follow my usual MO – sort through the feelings, commit to the Lord that yes, it was well with my soul, and move on with it.

The medicine is a new thing though, so it has taken a bit more for me to sort through those feelings. So many feelings with this infertility / adoption journey!

Leading up to the medicine, I would say I was…hum. I honestly don’t know the word for it. I wasn’t nervous per say, and I felt mostly prepared. I knew it shouldn’t really hurt, but I wasn’t sure what it would do to me as far as side effects went. {Still not, actually.} Chris and I had worked out our business and had a plan in place {I just wanted to do the first one on my own…I felt like an audience would only make me nervous.} We had dear friends and family praying for us and encouraging me. I had decided on which song I would play {‘You Make Me Brave’ of course!} ย for that first shot, and I had watched the tutorials online. I felt goodish, I guess.

But when it actually came time to do that first shot this morning…I found myself tearing up. I felt a sense of grief/sadness that this is a necessary part of our journey…that it has to be so involved and hard. I felt a bit isolated…I felt my spirit beseeching my God to ‘please let this work’…and in that moment, I felt overwhelmed. I fought through the tears, prepped the needle, pinched a piece of belly fat {first time I’ve had a reason to be thankful for that!}, stuck it in…and felt absolutely nothing. Not a thing. That was the silver lining for sure.

And then I took all of a minute to sob into a washcloth. The entire time I kept hearing “Is it well? Is it really well Heather?

I dried my face, gathered my things, and took Huxley for a walk…listening to ‘it is well’ and fighting to sort through this thing that is to be my new normal for the next month. {Hopefully for the next 3 months.} I tried to pray, but mostly ended up doing that thing where the Holy Spirit had to intercede for me.

And then, He settled it.ย 

It is well. It isn’t fun. It isn’t what I would have planned.

But it is well. He is with me. I have the love of a husband and family and circle of friends & believers supporting me. I have little ones waiting on me. I have a God who is doing something bigger than me here, something that demands we turn our eyes to Him and give glory that He is the giver and sustainer of life.

Not to say I won’t have to sort through this again when it’s the big shots I’m facing…but God has helped me work through it once – He’ll do it again.

He is good and it is well with my soul.ย 

So tonight I go to bed thankful, and tomorrow I’ll wake up and give myself shot #2. I’m not expecting tears. ๐Ÿ™‚

Blessed am I.

P.S. – At the advice of my sister-in-law, Chris had a bouquet of lovely flowers and a cupcake waiting on me when I got home today. He’s a good man.

 

 

Bethel Music.

I’ve been listening to a couple of songs on repeat the last few days…I fall asleep listening to them, I wake up with them on my mind. The lyrics calm & inspire me. {I bought the entire album, but I can’t seem to get past the first couple of songs!} I’m so thankful for the way God ministers to me through music!

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“You Make Me Brave” by Bethel Music

I stand before You now
The greatness of your renown
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

CHORUS:
As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

“It Is Well” By: Bethel Music

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

CHORUS
Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

It is well with my soul

 

 

let’s get this party started.

This past Friday, Chris and I bundled up and drove through the cold rain to our much-anticipated appointment with our fertility doctor. He made the comment the night before that he was sure I was excited…but that wasn’t really the word for it. Mostly I was ready for it…ready to know the timeline, ready to know what will be expected of me medicine-wise, ready to get a feel for how all of this was going to work.

Our appointment started with bloodwork for me, then we were deposited in one of the conference rooms to wait for the doctor. I’m pretty sure Chris & I have fought in those conference rooms on every previous visit…the fertility clinic is not exactly a fun place. *However,* I am pleased to say that we did not fight this time! Victory! ๐Ÿ˜‰ The doctor came in eventually to visit with us about our process and our embryos. He was full of spunk {and curse words, ha!} as always, but also said he could tell that this route had been the right one for us and that he was pleased with the embryos we ended up with.

From there we went into one of the exam rooms where he did an ultrasound and a mock-transfer to basically ‘get the lay of the land.’ It was quick and only mildly uncomfortable, and when it was done he was very pleased and confident with my health status & our little ones. He explained about more about the day of the transfer, then he was off and we were back in the conference room to have our ‘teaching session.’

It’s always interesting to meet someone that you’ve been e-mailing back and forth, on and off, for months. I have had some frustrated moments with my contact point at the doctors office, and I’ve definitely felt like I probably annoy the heck out of her. She’s never been rude, just pretty short and direct. Turns out we understand each other much better in person. She is still pretty too the point, but somehow being able to see her face when she says it and understand that it’s not personal was quite a relief for me. She is part of our village after all, this group of people coming together to help us have a baby.ย 

Her job for the day was to give me the run-down on the medicine regimen and teach Chris and I how to administer the meds. We were able to look over an example cycle calendar, and it looks like she is super organized {which I love!} so I think we’ll be able to keep track of everything pretty easily.

I’m already on birth control and just started prenatal vitamins. Once everything officially kicks off I’ll start with Lupron shots. I’ve never given myself a shot before…but those look doable. It’s a pretty small little needle, and I’ve got a little extra cushion in my stomach area after the holidays. ๐Ÿ˜‰ From there we add in the estrogen pills. Obviously I’m happy that will be in pill form, I’m just curious how that will affect me. Probably need to do a bit of research.

So far, so good.

Then she pulled out the progesterone. Whew. Big needle {that has to go *all* the way in to my rump/hip area} and a thiiiick liquid/oil/medicine business. I knew from some of the reading I’ve done online to be a little nervous about this one….and yeah. She did a good job of explaining it all to us, and the truth is that it is a necessary evil. It did pretty much confirm for us that Chris is probably 95% out on giving me the shots…so the village is about to be growing to the many people who will hopefully be on rotation to give me shots for 3 months or so. ๐Ÿ™‚

Right now I’m mostly on the “out of sight, out of mind” track with the progesterone. I’ll face that one when the time comes, but not going to let myself get worked up about it in advance.

We scheduled our transfer for February 17th…I’ll start the meds sometime in the next couple of weeks. There was definitely a lot to take in at our appointment, but I’d say we left feeling good about our standing and about what’s to come.ย 

I’m reminded of a quote I heard in a sermon…it went something like this – “You can handle any how, any means…if you know they why.” The why is incredibly important to me…and with God as my help, I can handle the how.

Blessed am I.

show up & show off.

The last time I had a chance / took the time to blog was right after our little ones made it safely to our clinic via FedEx.

That was a good day. ๐Ÿ™‚

The days since have been filled to the brim with family & friends, food & fun, naps & snuggles, cough drops & cocoa. My break from school didn’t feel quick or rushed, and besides taking our Christmas boxes to storage, everything I had hoped to do has been done. I’m just sad that it’s over and my naps have to return to their Sunday afternoon spot. ;/

We really had a sweet, lovely Christmas. The night Christmas break started, we hosted our home group for a Christmas party. One of our dear friends who is a chef catered for us, and we hired Chris’ cousin who is a magician to wow us with some crazy magic. We had such a good time, and I just loved the chance to create a cozy environment for everyone. The next day Chris’ family came over for our Christmas with them. We exchanged a few simple gifts, grazed on delicious food all day long, and played board games for hours. On Christmas Eve we drove in to my parent’s house and stayed through the weekend to celebrate / hang out with my family. Other highlights of the break were getting a massage, sleeping and reading to my hearts content, and finding out that my little brother is going to be a daddy to a little BOY! A sweet time of R & R for sure. ๐Ÿ™‚

With my family in particular, this was a special Christmas because it marks the end of a season…our last without little ones underfoot. My brother’s little one will be here in June, and hopefully we’ll follow with a baby or two before the end of the year. We had a lot of fun talking about what it will be like and all things baby. It’s going to be a grand adventure!

As 2014 wrapped up, I must say I was probably less introspective than I have been in years past. Maybe it’s because the last year and a half or so have been an exercise in self-reflection…maybe I’m just kind of in this still, in-between spot…maybe I was just enjoying my time and living in the moment. I’m okay with either one of those.;) ย Here were my FB end of year thoughts…

“This time last year I was singing about broken hallelujah’s and praying that 2014 would bring Chris & I a baby through traditional adoption. When we were ringing in the New Year I never could have imagined the plans God would have for us over this past year…or that we would indeed become parents, just to 4 little snowflakes through embryo adoption.

I learned incredible truths about my God in 2014…beautiful, hard, Heather-altering truths. Friends, God is so incredibly good…even when life is not. He makes every bitter thing sweet when we allow Him to. He shows up & shows off when we move out of the way, and His plans for 2015 are better than any we could write down for ourselves.

As I pray over my hopes & dreams for 2015, as I ask God what road He would have us travel down in this new year, my heart is singing a different song. “You make me brave, You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore into the waves, You make me brave, You make me brave, No fear can hinder now the love that made a way…” Looking forward to meeting at least 2 of our little ones in 2015, thankful for the love that has made a way for Chris & I to build our family!”

So here I find myself, a few days into 2015. I’d say I’m definitely full of hopes for the new year, full of excitement and anticipation. But I think more than any year before, and more than anything else, I have my eyes on Christ. I recognize that He is the captain of this ship, the maker of the plans, the giver of life, the provider of jobs, the healer of deep rooted hurts, the source of my hope and my strength. Certainly, I have hopes…my heart desires to carry two little ones until I am able to hold them in my arms…but I’d say I’m entering this year a step at a time, keeping my eyes on the one who decides where the next step will be. I’ve learned that I can trust Him with my heart, with every hope, with all 4 of our little ones.

It’s a good place to be. I find great encouragement in knowing that no doctor, no medicine, no diet plan or embryo grading is in control of the plans God has for me. He’s got me & my little family in His hands. Until He reveals the next part of this journey He has us on, I’ll wait & watch, hope & pray…all the while asking Him to show up & show off in our lives & circumstances.

To Him be the glory in 2015.

Blessed am I.