he knows me.

What an emotional weekend. There were highs. There were lows. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Well…maybe not the teeth thing.

Except that Chris and I got into a pretty epic argument…so yeah, keep the gnashing.

There’s a lot of pressure in life right now…the husband is still on the job search. Praise God he has a job currently {which will last for a while yet} but between knowing that the end is coming and the plan is for babies to be on the way soon…it’s just a lot. Between that, the general emotional tightrope we walk because of our embryo adventure, and the busy pace we {mostly I} have been keeping up for a while…the atmosphere around our house has not been conducive to getting along.

Alas, we are married and we are grown ups and we want to be parents and we’ve got to get a grip. And so, peace has found it’s way into our home again. 🙂

My emotions hit a climax, oddly enough, in one of Target’s Christmas aisles. I was looking at this sweet little wooden nativity set & planning on buying a few. One for my friend L & her little one on the way, one for the little nugget my sister-in-law is expecting, and one for my niece & nephew to play with until we have little ones to join in on the nativity fun. I was having mostly warm-fuzzy baby thoughts {but you just gotta know that underneath everything is this layer of anxiety that threatens to bubble through} when I heard a dad down the aisle from me call for his daughter to come on. Not a big deal seemingly, except that her name is the same one we’ve chosen if we have a girl…and she goes by the nickname that both Chris & my dad have said they would call her.

I didn’t totally lose it then {that happened on the way home in the car, while talking to my mom} but I did tear up pretty good. Managed to hold it together mostly because I didn’t want to look like a crazy lady in Target. {Can’t have Target thinking badly of me, now can I?}

So yes. Marriage in itself between two people who can come at things quite differently can be interesting enough. Add all of these questions marks into the equation, throw in a baby shower {for one of my very best friends who I was so thrilled to bless in this way}, add in the first ultrasound picture of my new niece or nephew {I can’t decide if I’m hoping for a girl or boy at this point}, and the general frustration of being a public school teacher in these crazy times and the odds are high that there’s going to be some weeping from time to time. 😛

I’m also fresh on the heels of finishing up a really good book…one that I’m still working my way through in my mind a bit…so I’ll blog about that more later. My take away for tonight is that I am so incredibly humbled and grateful that God knows me.

He knows me when I’m barely holding it together in a Target Christmas aisle and can’t decide if the tears threatening to spill out are happy or sad.

He knows me when I’m so mad and frustrated with this husband of mine for reasons that I can’t even wholly put my finger on because there are just *so*many*feelings*all*the*time.

He knows me when I’m feeling betrayed once again by my own body, the one who is adding to the complications, not taking away from them.

He knows me when I’m marveling over an ultrasound that I can make no sense of {I mean, who can really tell what all of those fuzzy body parts are anyway?!}, when I’m trying to get the tiniest details right on my best friends baby shower.

He knows the fear that lurks within me. He knows the courage I fight to maintain, the grace I want to live out.

 

He knows me. The good, the bad, the ugly.

He knows the parts I don’t even know myself…the parts I struggle to figure out and work my way through.

He knows me. And because of that, if for no other reason, blessed am I. 

Blessed, blessed am I. 

***As a new week begins, I’m praying that our contracts will finally be finalized {turns out our donor family missed the e-mail that held the contract…bit of a bummer, but what can ya do?} and that my body will get on board with this new birth control regimen. I did have some fun today knowing that the flowers I ordered for the 3 ladies we’ve worked with at Nightlight were supposed to be delivered. We are so thankful for all of their help, encouragement, prayers, advice…they have been incredible. Worth every penny. We literally could not have walked this path without them…so it was fun to have a way to show them a bit of our thanks.

 

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “he knows me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s