The feelings.

How are there so many feelings? And at the same time, so few?

This has been a weird ride.

I wish I had time to write on this a few days ago…but October has to be one of the busiest months in an elementary school…so yeah. I had to deal with the feelings as they came and move on with it. No time to write them all down. 🙂

I feel like up to the match my feelings have been pretty well documented on this little blog. Initially they were raw, overwhelming…and they left little room in my mind or heart or soul for anything else. In that brief, intense period of grief and mourning and surrender I felt closer to God than at any other point in my life. It was beautiful because of that…but feelings to that depth and level aren’t sustainable for long periods of time. When God called us to adoption & put a new joy in our hearts, it was a relief to not have everything bubbling so close to the surface. We were excited, I was in full on learning/reading/educating myself mode. We got a crib for Christmas, I dreamed of little baby things and nurseries. It was a sweet time of sweet feelings.

From there we pretty much moved into feelings of amazement & awe as we began to consider that God might be calling us to embryo adoption…which led to questions. So many questions. Another crisis of faith and more calling out to God. This was when the feeling of terror really began to rear it’s head…a by-product of the total lack of control I felt over our situation.

Once again, I entered a season of ‘doing’ as we signed on with an agency, talked with doctors, set-up a homestudy, etc. I fought the terror, got busy with the ‘doing,’ and wept with gratitude as our community of friends and family joined together to raise just over $5,000 through a mega-garage sale for our adoption fees. Again, lots of feelings…many of them so humbling.

The season of waiting wasn’t my most graceful period. Cranky & impatient battled with hopeful & anticipation. {Granted, I think I could have done a much, much worse job of waiting…I just struggled to wait as gracefully as my heart desired.}

Then in September, the possible match. We were interested, yet guarded. I wrote several posts during that time about how I felt God was asking me to make myself vulnerable once again to the feelings…to opening my heart. After our initial steps forward, we were back to waiting for bloodwork and doctors approval, and school was so busy that feelings were limited. It was during this time that we found out my brother & sister-in-law are expecting and dealt with the unexpected mix of happy & sad, joy & sting.

So when the match came…when we got the congratulatory e-mail and called our families to share the news…we felt surprisingly little. The strongest emotion was relief, but it was all really anti-climatic. My mom, who knows me better than I know myself sometimes, called me later that evening to ask if I felt like I was still guarding myself from feeling the joy of this moment, this match. In all honesty, I didn’t know what was wrong with meit was as though there had been so many feelings leading up to this moment that when it came…we didn’t have any feelings left to sit in. I knew I didn’t feel like we had made the wrong decision or that we should have declined the match…I truly just felt like the valve had opened and we were able to release some of the pressure we had felt for so long.

The next day I called the doctor’s office & agency just to confirm that everything really was a go, and Kelly {the director of the Snowflake program at Nightlight} talked with me a bit about how we were feeling. She was able to assure me that we were completely normal, saying that this phase of the process is all just so surreal. You know you are being matched with these embryos, and yet you don’t have them. She spoke to how unsettled it often all still feels, and said that most people start to feel more present in the moment once the embryos are successfully shipped to their doctors office. As always, talking with her helped me immensely. {We have lots of people who love us to talk with, but they are experiencing this alongside us.} I am part of a few Facebook groups of people who have done this, but while I have made some connections there I don’t know them well enough to trust them with the struggle of figuring out my feelings. Kelly has been a wonderful resource for us in that way.

My joy began to grow exponentially as I shared with more friends and family and prayer warriors our answered prayer. There were tears, laughing, a literal jump for joy {or two!}, happiness, praise, pride…the more I opened up to others, the more my own heart began to swell with joy and the reality of the HUGE prayer God had answered. Joy really does become more complete when it is shared!

In the days since accepting the match, I’ve gone back to ‘doing.’ Coordinating the clinic with the agency is no small feat! There have been forms to fill out, contracts to sign / notarize, big fat checks to mail. With each step it sets in more and more that this is really happening. It really hit me the day we went to sign the contract…I was just completely overwhelmed with emotion and couldn’t help but crying as I realized how close we are getting to this dream becoming a reality. It was a big day for us. 🙂

By God’s grace & provision, I have been able to keep the fear at bay, and right now we are resting in a really happy, thankful, calm place. I’m trying to take it in…these moments of ‘normalcy’…knowing that it will hopefully be changing in the near future.

There are definitely new feelings starting to move in and unpack…still working my way through those. I’ll get them figured out soon…but I can say that they aren’t bad.

As a matter of fact, there is a strong possibility that they are momma feelings.

God is good.

Blessed am I.




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