The only words that matter.

*Previously written…saved to post until the official word was out there. 🙂

This past week, on a Tuesday evening, I received a call from a nervous, voice-shaking daddy-to-be who was calling to tell us of the baby on the way…an unexpected and happy surprise.

That new daddy is my little brother.

C & J have been married for just over 3 months…their baby will arrive a week or so before their first wedding anniversary. While we all knew a baby was a possibility, I think it’s safe to say everyone was pretty shocked that one is on the way this quickly. This little one will be the first grandchild for my parents, and for her parents as well. It’s big news, and it’s wonderful.

There’s no point in lying; pregnancy announcements…they tend to sting. By God’s grace & our love for my brother and his wife {along with our genuine feelings of happiness for them and our family} Chris and I reacted well to the surprise. I’m so glad…you don’t get to ‘re-do’ your reaction to something big like that.

It took a bit of time for us to process the news…we each have our own way. Chris tromped around outside for a bit, I had to sort all of the feelings out…figure out what was what. I knew I was excited and happy, shocked and surprised. Mixed in were feelings of anxiety / sadness over our own waiting for a baby…frustration that things aren’t as easy for us as we’d hoped or would like for them to be.

I’ve learned through this whole process that I have to do this…identify the feelings. What they are, where they are coming from, if they are a representation of truth, if they can be changed. And once I had everything sorted out, I was standing toe-to-toe with the real source of my troubled heart & mind.

The feeling that I…we…my whole family…had been cheated. Robbed. Lost something precious to us. A lot of my brother’s nerves were that of a man who has just found out he was going to be a father…but some of them were because he had to call us, knowing the struggle we’ve been through to have a baby. My sister-in-law, who has been our biggest cheerleader, was trying to speak encouraging words to me…even as we were marveling over their news. Instead of calling to celebrate the news together, my mom was texting me to make sure we were okay.

I realized that even when they got married and I knew a baby was a possibility, I never really thought through the idea that they might have a baby before us. Generally I like to think things through and prepare everyone for the appropriate feelings / reactions / etc. {This started after Chris failed miserably at telling me that my grandma had just passed away. I wish I was joking, but it’s true.}

Anyway, all that to say I was not prepared for how this happy news would now carry this weight of sadness because of our “situation.”

And after I got done feeling that sadness…I moved {pretty quickly} into being pissed off about it. Ugly cry pissed off.

{“Infertility…you SOB…you’ve taken a lot from me. I didn’t see this one coming though…didn’t realize you would cost us this.” ~me}

After going back and forth about talking to my mom that night, I texted her and said we could talk about anything and everything as long as it wasn’t about me or Chris. She agreed, of course, and it was just what I needed. We shared our excitement and shock sans pity or “your turn is coming.” {Not that you would have done that Mom, it was just the last thing I needed.}

By the next day, Chris & I both shared a resolve to experience every bit of joy this new baby is bringing to our family…we want every bit of it. We called my brother and reassured him that we’re okay and asked that they not hold anything back from us. {Turns out my dad basically told him the same thing…that if C tried to spare my feelings he would just end up hurting them…smart dad.} Mom got the same call, and I got a “thata girl” from Dad.

Our infertility struggles are separate from this little blessing of a baby…and pretty much from that day forward everyone has acted accordingly. So much so that I am tired of writing about it. Just too many words.

So here are the only words that really matter…

We’re going to be an aunt & uncle again!

Blessed am I.

*In the days following, Chris and I found out that our match is official, and mom found a sign that says “Grandma’s: Where cousins go to become best friends.” How sweet is that?



One thought on “The only words that matter.

  1. As I look at this situation I cant help but think that God is blessing us all beyond any dream we’ve had….we would not have planned this timing, but I’m almost giddy with anticipation for the year to come! Just imagine….

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