Unbind your heart.

Y’all. Yesterday I attended a Beth Moore simulcast. She is precious and sassy and sits on the floor to pray. {I like that about her, in case you couldn’t tell.} She also says y’all a lot, so I’m going to test that out in this post. Don’t say y’all weren’t warned.

I didn’t really know what the topic of the simulcast was, but I went expecting a good word from God and a good cry. {I brought an 8-pack of personal sized tissues for the ladies who went from my church. When Beth prays it just has this tendency to make me weepy.}

Since I had no idea what we would spend our day studying, my reaction to the verse that popped up after the intro video was a genuine one. Genuine, but not very ladylike. Or Christian.

It was a curse word.

Don’t judge me y’all.

The verse is from Luke 1:45…if you’ve been reading my blog for long it may sound familiar. “Blessed is she who believed that the Lord would fulfill His promises to her.”

And my reaction?

“Ooooohhhhh sh*@. Here we go Lord.”

The thing is, I’ve been struggling with fear…which translates to a struggle believing that the Lord will complete the work He has started. Like it says in the song I posted yesterday, I’ve struggled to see past the prayers I’ve been praying.

For a while now, I’ve grown weary of waiting. When we weren’t matched before school started, I was annoyed…and I camped out in that feeling for a while. {As evidenced by yesterday’s post.}

Then, this past week, we got a match opportunity. It looked pretty darn good y’all, right along the lines of what we’ve been praying for…and still I stayed guarded. The only feeling I really gave into was….wait for it

Fear.

Yep. The bit of hope I felt quickly turned into fear. Random, stupid fear. {My stream of consciousness was really out there y’all, I’m not kidding.} I had a litany of reasons for not getting too excited or invested, moments of mourning because we have brown hair in our families and this families babies have blonde hair, building panic over what I can only call ‘cliché adoption worries’…y’all. At one point I would worry that this match wasn’t even going to work out, and the next moment I would be worried that it would work out and that my grown child wouldn’t one day be as close with us as I am with my parents because they were adopted as an embryo and will know I wanted brown hair instead of blonde.

Like I said – random, stupid fear.

So to see that verse pop up, to be reminded of where I started, of how far God has brought us, of how he’s walked beside us…carried us…dragged us along {leaving buttprints in the sand, mind you}…to see that all flash before my hearts eye in an instant and to realize that I was still having trouble believing Him in this…sh*! was just the word that seemed to most accurately sum it all up.

Beth ended up taking the verse in a different direction for the bulk of our time together, but two things that she said had to have been just for me. Out of all 190,000+ women watching this simulcast, a few little phrases were meant for me.

The first came from Psalm 147:3 – “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

God binds our wounds…He heals our broken-hearts. Without a doubt. He’s done it for me. When we first layed down the hope of having a biological child, I mourned deeply. But God bound my wounds. I made it through.

But what Beth said next was the kicker…

She told the story of her granddaughter, who loved princess band-aids so much that she would literally try to hurt herself so that she could wear one. And then, once she had one on, she would refuse to take it off. On multiple occasions, she had worn the Band-Aid so long that the wound underneath had healed, but the skin around the Band-Aid had broken out in a rash.

Part of the healing process, she said, is that eventually God will ask you to unbind the wound. It has healed. It’s time to trust Him, to open yourself back up. If you keep it bound, you will not experience the new growth…the new life He has for you.

And I realized, in that moment, that I’ve been afraid to take the Band-Aid off. In fact, I’ve added my own walls to protect the wound. I guard this once-broken heart of mine because I recognize that there is a chance it could be broken again.

But it’s time to unbind the wound y’all. To open my heart to love, to this possibility, to make myself vulnerable…

And to trust that, if it’s in the plan, and my heart gets broken again…God will bind it back up for me.

Love is scary.

But it’s worth it.

The second thing Beth did that really spoke to me was ask those who were struggling with the stronghold of fear…just feeling like they were strangled by it…to stand and receive prayer. She prayed out loud, and those around me laid hands on me and joined in with her. She prayed for the bondage of fear to be broken in Jesus’ name, she prayed scripture and strength, she prayed courage.

At one point in the prayer, she said something along the lines of “Your true calling will stretch you…it won’t be something you can do in your flesh.” That was when I really lost it. I’ve said it time and time again – none of this could have come about because of me alone. I’m too weak. I’m too impatient. I’m too scared. I can walk this path only because of Jesus.

And so I did draw strength from that reminder…that I’m not alone, that I’m following this wild calling for my life.

All in all, it was a good weekend for me. God got my eyes on Him, refocused me, and as I put off the fear I’d been feeling I was able to put on hope. I can’t say for certain where this match opportunity will take us, but I can say that I will open my heart to the possibility of love for 4 tiny embryos, only 6 days old…and I will pray down the lies of fear that threaten to steal my joy.

Because blessed, blessed am I.

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2 thoughts on “Unbind your heart.

  1. So glad you are putting off the fear. Fear is never from the Lord and the devil uses it to steal our faith. He knows if he can steal our faith, then are not going to live the abundant life God has for us. You are a strong and wise woman and I know you won’t ever let the devil win. You got this! Praying for you sugars!

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