Since I’ve been gone…

I knew it had been a while since I had last blogged…but wow, I didn’t realize it had been well over a month. I am a Kindergarten teacher, so the start of a new school year is always a crazy-busy time for me. Between that and the fact that nothing has changed in our adoption status {still waiting, although there has recently been a match opportunity I’ll write about soon} I haven’t felt the need or had the time to pop over and blog.

And that’s probably a good thing because, let’s be honest, writing about waiting quickly turns into whining. It’s not pretty.

In my last post, I wrote about wanting to be strong. I’ve succeeded at that…some days. On other days words like impatient, annoyed, apathetic, fearful, worried, etc etc etc have been more descriptive of how I’ve felt and acted.

When summer ended, it was hard for me. In my head, I never really stopped to consider that we wouldn’t be matched by the time school started. We entered matching in early May and the average wait time to be matched is 2 months…plus it just made the most sense…to me, anyway. {Summer off = perfect time to be working out all the legal & medical details / going on all those pre-transfer doctor appointments…or so it would seem.}

When I will learn the lesson that I am soooo not in control, I don’t know.

When work started, I had a bit of an identity crisis. Infertility is strange sometimes…there are just these moments or days when I realize that I’m not who I once was, that I’m in what feels like this in-between stage. Wanting to be a mother, but not one yet. I don’t really know how to describe it, but it can be unsettling. I had nothing new to report to all of my well-intentioned coworkers, and I had other things on my mind than starting a new school year. {It didn’t help that my last school year was really hard. Like, the hardest I’ve had. So returning to school was like going back to the scene of the crime.}

Thankfully, once the kids arrived {and I saw that they are going to be a much more calm, normal class} I settled into more of a routine and my brain was able to focus on the task at hand. My spirit doesn’t feel so discouraged, and I don’t feel so weird in my own skin.

I wish I could say that meant I was just glowing and pointing to God and waiting patiently and faithfully…but frustratingly it doesn’t. My attitude toward waiting over the last month has been apathetic at worst, annoyed most of the time, and full of clichés at best. Apathetic in that I’ve come to realize that I’ve built a bit of a wall around my heart…to keep from hurting. Full of clichés in that I’ve muttered my share of “Yes, yes…all in God’s timing!” Which, while true, was said with a shrug and a heavy sigh…and I know that is not how God would have me act towards His perfect & holy will / timing. And annoyed in that I’ve been feeling like God made my life really complicated when He revealed to us that IVF was not what He had for us.

I have been a mess. I have been ungrateful. I have been unfaithful and untrusting. I have let fear strangle me. And it may sound like I’m being hard on myself, but I just really wanted to walk through this with an incredible grace and peace…so I become frustrated with myself when I continue to struggle so.

But God.

God has been faithful. He has been full of grace and peace, and He has poured it out on me when I have called on to Him for it. He doesn’t condemn me in my struggle, and He loves me in spite of my continual inability to walk with Him in a place of trust. He has sent sisters in Christ to encourage me when I hadn’t even voiced that I needed it and faithful prayer worriers who {although I fear they will tire of hearing my litany of prayer requests} lift us up consistently in Jesus’ name. His truth has pierced through my clichés, as my heavenly Father He has tolerated my annoyed attitude, and He is knocking down the tower I’ve built to “protect” my heart. He has been working in ways not meant for me to understand at this time, and still in Him there is no fear. He soothes my fears and He holds my hand and when I can’t walk beside Him, He carries me.

There is so much more I could say, but my brain is going in a million different directions right now…so I’ll wrap it up and save those thoughts for another day. 🙂 I do want to include the lyrics to the Francesca Battistelli song that I’ve been playing on repeat these past couple of weeks.

“Strangely Dim”
I’ve got all these plans piled up sky high
A thousand dreams on hold
And I don’t know why,
I got a front row seat
To the longest wait
And I just can’t see
Past the things I pray
Today

But when I fix my eyes on all that You are
Then every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
All my worries fade
And fall to the ground
Cause when I seek Your face
And don’t look around
Any place I’m in
Grows strangely dim

Sometimes where I stand
On this narrow road
Is in a raging storm
Or a valley low
But oh oh oh oh oh oh

I don’t know, I don’t know
What tomorrow may hold
But I know, but I know
That You’re holding it all
So no matter what may come

I’m gonna fix my eyes on all that You are
‘Til every doubt I feel
Deep in my heart
Grows strangely dim
Let all my worries fade
And fall to the ground
I’m gonna seek Your face
And not look around
Til the place I’m in
Grows strangely, strangely, strangely dim.

Blessed am I.

 

 

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Since I’ve been gone…

  1. I totally relate to how hard it is to wait, even though our waiting game is a little different to yours! Will be praying you are matched soon 🙂 I really struggle with not being in control too…it is definitely a battle of my head and my heart. I know God’s truth and promises but living my daily life that way can often be another story! Thank you for sharing 🙂

    • Thank you girl! I keep thinking that I need to really instill in my children one day that they are so noooot in control. Maybe I can help save them some of this heartache and they will be able to trust God more freely!

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