It’s not you…It’s me.

Two posts in one day…it’s my blog so I figured “Why not?” 😉

As the last post said, we did have a family request to match with us. In the end, we decided it wasn’t the right fit for us. Here’s the chain of events…because I’m still hoping & praying that at some point along the way we will get the opportunity to encourage someone else who has decided to follow God in this wild thing called embryo adoption. Gotta remember everything! 😉

Thursday Evening

We received the e-mail and looked over the information. There were a lot of great things jumping out at us about the family, but the overall emotion was being overwhelmed by how real it all felt, and weirded out. {Nothing but honesty here.}

Chris initially launched into this “you shouldn’t swing at the first pitch, so maybe we shouldn’t take the first set of embryos” line of thought. That kind of talk caused me to dig in a little, and honestly made me a little defensive of this set/family from the start. I didn’t know for sure that they were the ones, I just didn’t want them to be counted out because they were the first profile we looked at.

Friday

I e-mailed our rep to ask her a few questions to help us further understand the matching process. I’m sure she could read our uncertainty, so she said if it wasn’t the right fit for us, there was no harm in moving on and trying a different match. Again, I panicked a little…I didn’t want to feel like these embryos were being counted out/taken away before we had the chance to really see how we felt about them.

I responded with an explanation of how we were feeling, and she was very kind & encouraging. Around that time Chris talked to our friend and got over his baseball analogy business, and at that point we moved forward with sending the necessary information to the doctor for him to look over. {Interestingly enough, although I can’t say I was that surprised, we aren’t considered to match with some of the families because they don’t want to match with someone who will be a working mother. Womp womp.}

Saturday

We didn’t talk about it much, {Chris was out of town, I was busy} but we were both thinking on it…

Sunday

Honestly, I think I just got a little sucked into Mother’s Day. I mean, it is pretty incredible that there is a mother somewhere who is willing to give me these precious little parts of her. And since I had a face/name of someone who was willing to do that, I just got swept up. {Plus I knew I was going to be seeing my mom after all…not part of the original plan for that day.} So I texted Chris and asked if he thought we should tell our parents. That was enough encouragement for him, and by days end we had told our parents and siblings about the potential match.

No one lost their minds over it or anything…everyone recognized it wasn’t a done deal…and it was definitely cool for everyone to see that this is real and it is happening.

Monday

Spent most of the day waiting to hear back from the doctor, but really started realizing that while this match looked ideal, my heart just wasn’t fully committed. At some point it occurred to me that I was thinking more along the lines of “Why not them?” than “Yes, God! This is them!”

We received the e-mail from the doctor Monday evening, which was concise and almost exactly what I was expecting. He wasn’t fully convinced. Additionally, he had received some other information regarding the pregnancies/embryos which did affect our potential success rates.

At that point I think we both just realized that our conviction that these embryos were ‘the ones’ didn’t outweigh the odds that the doctor was giving us. We recognize that “odds” mean nothing to our Lord, but we certainly don’t want to push ahead without Him. We want the embryos that HE has for us, and we’re praying for confirmation and the strong conviction to recognize them when they are presented.

Once we kind of pulled it all together in our hearts and minds and made the decision to decline the match, we felt a mixture of relief and sadness. Relief for us, which was another confirmation that this was the right move…and sadness for this sweet family who made themselves so vulnerable for our sake.

{If I could tell them anything, it would be how much we appreciate them looking over our profile and seeing something in us that led them to want to ‘match’ with us. I’d want them to know how incredible we think they are for making this choice for their embryos, for sharing the heart of their family, for allowing us to learn about them and see pictures of their sweet family. I’d want to tell them that we are praying for them, and for the family God has for them.}

We called our parents to let them know what we were thinking. Everyone was great – very supportive & understanding…but we felt bad for having told them all about it just to not accept the match. So we’re back to our original plan – nobody knows nothin’ – until we are officially matched.

Tuesday {today}

I e-mailed our rep at the agency and let her know our decision. Of course it was lengthy and wordy because that’s how I am…because I needed her to understand where we were coming from. She was understanding and ready to move forward to make another match, so that was good to hear.

Additionally, we lowered the number of embryos that we were willing to accept. Part of the struggle with this particular set was that there were 7 embryos. When we considered that we didn’t pursue IVF ourselves because of the potential for remaining embryos, paired with the fact that we don’t really want anywhere near 7 kids…we felt like we couldn’t honor all of those embryos in the way God has called us to. So as we move forward in matching, our number is now around 4. We have more of a peace about that number.

{I could go more into that…there are so many different scenarios that could play out as a result of the number of embryos we accept, but it’s just all so unknown. The main point is that we feel a peace with 4 and we’re trusting God with the details.}

To wrap it all up…

– We are back in matching. 🙂

– A lot of lessons were learned through this particular experience. Chris is more familiar now with how matching will work…we’ve got some of the initial jitters out of the way…we know how our doctor is looking at the embryos…we know that we want to keep it to ourselves until it’s a definite…we know how many embryos we are good with… There’s a learning curve here without a doubt, but we’re making it!

– There are some fears that I’m praying against {I read a great blog on that just today though…thanks ‘Waiting For Baby Bird’!} which center around “Is this totally crazy? Am I totally crazy?” // “What if that was the best option we had and we turned it down?” // “These odds from the doctor are not very encouraging…” I’ve just been reminding myself…fear is not from God and feelings don’t always tell the truth…then going back to the truth of God’s word and of what He has revealed to us about His plan for growing our family & glorifying His name.

So that’s where we’re at. God’s got this. We will wait on His timing & revelation.

Blessed am I.

 

Advertisements

One thought on “It’s not you…It’s me.

  1. awe thanks for the shout out on the blog. I’m so glad you enjoyed it. Yes, you are so right fear is not from the Lord and He will never use it to lead and guide you which is fabulous. You are also right that we can’t be led by our feelings. We should only be led by the Word of God and the literal word that He directly speaks to us through the Holy Spirit. I think that when the right embryos come along, you will have COMPLETE and TOTAL peace without hesitation. You and your husband will be on the same page and all will feel “right”. Praying for you guys! I know this is nerve wracking, yet exciting all at once. xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s