Crisis of Belief.

This weekend at church we’ve been having a “Fresh Encounter” conference. It’s been good stuff.

As I’ve read through the material, listened to the sermons, & participated in the sessions, it all came together to confirm in my heart that I have truly been experiencing a fresh encounter with God over the last 7-8 months. {Not that I didn’t already feel that way, but I love seeing God confirm the work He is doing.} Considering that revival is a return to spiritual health and a right relationship with God, I have been drawn closer to God and experienced revival through our infertility. I think that work really started in me when I fully surrendered my body, dreams, and family to God.

But the weekend also served to bring to the forefront a fear that’s been growing lately…a crisis of belief. I haven’t really talked about it with anyone, mostly tried to push it aside and not work out my thoughts on the topic, but during one of the small group sessions I opened up about it. Just speaking it aloud began to help the fear dissipate, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since…trying to wrap my brain around how God would have me handle this fear.

Basically it’s this: I know that God has called us to embryo adoption. That’s not where I’m struggling. God has given us a peace and has opened doors to get that process started. *However* we have not been ‘promised,’ nor is it a guarantee, that we will end up with a viable pregnancy or baby when all is said and done. That’s where the fear {which is NOT from God} has been creeping in.

And so, I’m trying to figure out what to do with that information…where to fit God in with that.

If you would have asked me at the beginning of the year if traditional adoption was God’s plan for us, I would have said “Yes!!” And at that time, it was. Through the period of time we committed ourselves to God and adoption, He did a necessary and mighty work in us. Then He revealed a new step in the plan, one that moved us away from traditional adoption and toward embryo adoption. And if you were to ask me today if embryo adoption is God’s plan for us, I would have to say…”Yes!!” And yet, I recognize that I do not see the full picture…only the next step. I don’t know what the “end” result will be.

I think a couple of things have been contributing to my fear…
1) The deceiver…trying to steal my peace, trust, and faith in God
2) Not talking more openly about the embryo part of our adoption*
3) Not praying faithfully for the specifics of our adoption…busyness & tiredness has caused me to become lax
4) Not fully surrendering the process to God

*There are several reasons why we have not talked very publicly about the embryo part of our adoption process. {And by we, I really mean me…Chris hasn’t had this struggle, at times to my great frustration!} At first it was because we were still figuring it out ourselves, learning about it, making a decision. But since we’ve decided, I’ve held it a bit close to my chest.

Because we’re early in the process.

Because of the possibility that it might ‘not work.’

Because I haven’t had a chance to tell my extended family in person yet.

Because of situations and statements made by others at work.

Because it’s this new, unknown thing.

Because people might not agree with it.

Some of those reasons come into play more than others, but they’ve all kept me from sharing at one time or another. I’ve struggled with feeling uncomfortable about not letting others in, people who are genuinely praying for our adoption, who truly want to understand what we are going through.

What I’m coming to realize though is that, because this is our calling and reality, I am depriving God of the glory I so desperately prayed He would receive when I don’t share…and I am feeding the fear that has been planted in my heart.

Does this mean I should tell everyone? That I should shout it from the mountaintops? That I should clog my facebook feed with embryo adoption links? {Haha…no to that last one…there aren’t THAT many EA links…}

No…I don’t think it does. I think it will require communication with and discernment from God. I think it means holding it in an open palm and being willing to share that part of myself to others when He asks me to.

Because of the “no guarantees” aspect of EA, my mom and I have talked some about me ‘guarding my heart’ just in case. I know as my mom she wants to spare me of any further pain or heartache. {Trust me, I don’t want to willingly go looking for those things either!} After talking about it with her again tonight, and sharing that I feel like I need to be more open about what God is doing in our lives through EA, I realized a new petition we need to present to the Lord.

For GOD to guard my heart.

I can’t both guard my heart against the possibility this might not be the full means through which He grows our family AND walk confidently in faith, with a trusting willingness to share His work and glory to others.

I can’t do both.

But He can.

He can guard my heart. He’s done it before…He guarded my heart when we began trying to conceive, not allowing me to get ‘baby fever.’ He guarded my heart against becoming bitter with pregnant girls/women.

And He will do it again. I will trust Him with my heart, with this process, with our future baby (or babies) because He is trustworthy. Because He sees the full picture. Because He is good, and He is love…and because even if our family doesn’t grow because of EA, He has promised that there is a purpose to all things, that He works good through all circumstances for those who are called according to His purpose.

{Additionally, we can pray that He guards my the aspects of my job which I am worried about…which have kept me from sharing there.}

In moving forward, confidently in faith, I feel like God is asking me to…
1) Surrender all of this to Him…the process, my heart, the fear…over and over again, if that’s what it takes
2) Recommit to time spent in prayer for my own spiritual revival, for Chris, and for our EA & embryos
3) Glorify God through the testimony of what He is doing when opportunities present themselves
4) Believe & trust in the path He has set us on until He tells/shows me otherwise

Whew. That’s all for tonight. This might be a jumbled mess…I might have to add more tomorrow…but I needed to start hammering it out so that I can make sense of what God has been doing in me this weekend.

May God be glorified in all I say and do.

Blessed am I.

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