Can of Worms.

Before I get to typing out today’s post, which is kind of a past & present kind of thing, I want to make sure I capture a sweet moment with Chris yesterday. ūüôā

He walked into the room as I was washing dishes and wrapped his arms around me. “It’s funny,” he said, “But I really miss {boy name} and {girl name}. Is it weird to miss someone you’ve never met?”

It just melted my heart, and was such a blessing to me…we’ve done so much thinking about and praying for and crying over these future children of ours, to the point that I miss them sometimes too. I love that Chris is feeling connected to the process and is beginning to see himself more as being a dad one day.

Love moments like that!

{Of course, then there were a few moments today where I could have just throttled him…that’s marriage for ya. *wink* Gotta take the sweet with the frustrating!}


Today we had an appointment with the fertility doctor…a pretty important appointment, in my mind. We needed to clarify the medical side of adopting an embryo…the process behind a frozen embryo transfer (FET)…if I needed any additional testing to get the doctors sign-off that I should be able to carry a baby.

I was a bit nervous…mostly because in a call with one of the office workers a couple of weeks ago I felt like I had been hit by a linebacker. She didn’t understand the need to ‘adopt’ vs. go with donated embryos, and {seriously, no pun intended} was pretty icy about the whole thing. She finally gave me the information I needed, but I wasn’t encouraged and was afraid that we might have a similar experience with the doctor.

{That day was just not my best…in a different phone call to an embryo adoption agency, I felt like I was then hit by a train going in the opposite direction of the first lady. Although I agreed with almost all the agency rep was saying, I didn’t feel like she “heard” me…and she definitely took several opportunities to go off on rants about her strong feelings & belief systems. I felt like I’d been hit from both sides & was just left spinning…}

Going in to the doctor today, we were prepared to have to defend our choice/interest in adopting embryos vs. receiving donated embryos. Much to my relief, it wasn’t really an issue after all.

While the doctor obviously didn’t totally “get it,” and still presented a few other options, he also repeatedly reassured us that he understood the importance of the decisions we were facing and that he would respect our wishes¬†/ do his best to help us have the most successful FET possible. He gave us the professional advice that we needed, and left us feeling encouraged that this is a very real possibility for us. {No guarantees of course…and some of the stats still had that ol’ terror rising up in my throat…but God willing, it is a definite possibility.} He also said no further testing will be required for me at this time, which was great!

While Chris was grumpy before the appt {combination of not feeling well & a muuuuuuch larger charge for the appt than we were expecting} I had a bit of a…processing time, we’ll say…afterwards.

The doctor mentioned an option that kind of caught me off guard…mostly because I couldn’t remember initially if it had been presented to us before or not. It had my head spinning for a while, but as I thought it through I decided that we had been aware of that option but had not seen it as an economically feasible possibility for us. {Like my dad said when I talked with him after the appt…sometimes it feels like we’ve opened a can of worms or Pandora’s box or something…there are¬†just no¬†easy, clear cut decisions in the land of infertility and adoption!}

Once I got¬†a grip¬†on that I was able to move forward in my thinking and acknowledge that really, everything we had hoped to find out/accomplish during the appt had been covered. Chris felt very confident after leaving the office, my parents seemed relieved to hear the doctor’s opinion of the medical side, and over the course of the evening I’ve settled down from the jitters I felt after the appt.

Whew. This is some serious business people.

It’s terrifying and amazing and all sorts of craziness rolled into one.

I’ll close today’s post with a¬†question I heard in a video testimony I watched recently…

“Is your life explainable apart from the Holy Spirit?”

It’s been echoing in my mind since I heard it, and honestly…if we do pursue embryo adoption…it will be explainable only BECAUSE of the Holy Spirit. We didn’t go out looking for this option…it is, in several ways, “scarier” for me than traditional adoption…and it would be nothing short of a miracle if God so chooses to bring a baby to our family in this way.

He is the author and creator of life…and I’m thankful, fear & pain & all, for the opportunity to be part of the story He is speaking into life.

Blessed am I.


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