Jaw on the Floor.

I’m going to go ahead and put this out there…most everyone who I know in real life & who knows this blog exists are already privy to this information. To the one or two that I haven’t told this to yet….surprise! {And also…sshhh! This is still in the “praying about it” stage…we aren’t ready to talk about it with people publically yet.}

I need to ‘put the pen to paper’ so to speak because it’s how I sort through things…and I need to start getting all of those thoughts in my head out and in some sort of order. It’s why I started this blog after all…so here we go again. 🙂

Within the last couple of weeks, a new adoption route has been the topic of dinner conversations, before bed conversations, driving in the car conversations, brushing teeth conversations…you get it.

It’s embryo adoption.

Before I get to the now, I better go back to the start.

When Chris & I were deciding if we wanted to pursue in vitro fertilization or not, we decided against it because I felt so strongly about each embryo produced being a human life. Since there was no way to ensure that we wouldn’t have an “over-abundance,” so to speak, of embryos, we decided it was not a risk we were willing to take. The basic options with any embryos that are not implanted in a “fresh” cycle {ie – just days after being fertilized} are a) frozen storage, b) donation/adoption, c) donate to science, d) “let them go”…which is basically a nice way of saying destroy them. {I’m sorry, but it is.} :/

At one point, when we were still in the deciding stage, Chris said he would be fine with us putting any embryos we had remaining up for ‘adoption’ by another couple who was struggling with infertility. It wasn’t something I could get on board with…I had heard too many other women describe how connected they felt to the embryos, even those remaining in cold storage, and I thought that once we had a child or children of our own Chris too would feel differently about giving up our embryos for adoption. In the end, creating many to keep a few just wasn’t right for us.

Fast forward a bit, and I suggested to Chris that while we had considered the possibility of us giving up embryos for adoption, we had never considered the reverse side, which would be us adopting embryos that others are were willing to put up for adoption.

I got a firm, quick, and adamant “NO.” At that point he was still struggling with the fear that he would have trouble connecting to an adopted child, and thought that if I were to carry an adopted embryo he would feel totally left out of the process.

So….I dropped it. I tucked it away, thinking I’d save it for a few years down the road, maybe bring it up when we were ready for a second child. I didn’t push the subject because by this point I was realizing how important it was that Chris be “all the way in,” that he feel connected and know that I trusted his judgment and valued his opinion. I never want him to resent any part of the process, or me…so I dropped it and shortly thereafter we began pursuing traditional adoption whole-heartedly.

I can’t even explain the depth of my surprise when Chris called me at work one afternoon {just a couple of weeks ago} to tell me about “this really amazing thing he heard about…adopting embryos through an organization called Night Light.” He really thought we should look into it & thought it was a really exciting idea…overall he was pretty pumped about it.

When I didn’t respond, he thought I was mad. In reality, I was just trying to pick my jaw up off the floor.

Turns out, he doesn’t even remember me ever bringing it up. Oh that man.

In the time since, we’ve done a lot of research, watched videos online, talked with one another & our parents, prayed together, and tried to keep ourselves from making any rash decisions. 🙂 Chris immediately felt very strongly connected to this form of adoption, but at the same time I’ve been so proud of the way he has not pushed & has happily agreed to still go to the orientation for the traditional agency. It’s hard to put into words how this new option has brought out a different side of him…but it has. And it’s a good side.

I have been…cautiously optimistic. Erring on the side of caution. Wanting only what God wants and nothing more.

The thing is…I gave God my uterus. (I’ve written about that right? It’s kind a funny story…) But seriously, I gave it to Him & continued giving it to Him until I was finally able to surrender it to Him fully.

So, with this new option…the best way to put it is that…if this is God’s will, I want to know in my soul that HE is giving my uterus back to me… not that I’m taking it back on my own.

But if He does…

wouldn’t that be incredible?!

***************************************************************

Blessed am I.

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