Out of Control.

Those would be the 3 best words to describe what my life feels like right now.

*Sigh*

It was a hard day (…week…month…six weeks…semester…year) at work.

This group of kids…this spunky, playful, wonderful & adorable by themselves and somehow spine-shivering when all together group of kids. I love them.

But I feel like they are trying to kill me.

:/

They have stretched me professionally…and not always in the fun way. I feel like a rubber band that is rigggggght on the edge of snapping apart & flying across the room.

They challenge me…daily. We literally have conversation multiple times a day about who the boss is {IT’S ME! ME I TELL YOU!}…about their brain telling their body how and when to move…about believing that I mean what I say, and that I will follow through.

It’s exhausting.

They are my “simmering pot”…just looking for an opportunity to boil over.

And it would seem as though they’ve had several opportunities lately to do just that, with the necessity of subs being in my room. Not a problem that’s going away between an upcoming workshop and orientation.

:/

So today, as I find myself doing so often these days, I was reflecting on the role I play in this situation. On what I could do differently. Of how what’s going on with ‘me’ is affecting ‘us.’ And in doing so, I just realized that I’m really just feeling like so much of my life is just out of control…out of my control…right now.

At work it’s these kids who, after 85 days of kindergarten, are still testing and pushing me. I struggle every.single.day. to get those darlings in control. {And I’m a good teacher. I really am.}

It’s the unknowns and the talks of what-might-be for next school year which have started popping up lately and have the potential to very much affect me…yet are not within my control.

Then, of course, there is our hope to adopt. I’m still pretty new at this thing, but if I understand anything it’s that a lot of the circumstances {and timeline} surrounding an adoption are OUT OF YOUR CONTROL. I don’t like it, but I really feel like God has been helping me to handle my anxiety  in this area. He’s been faithful to work on the heart of this girl who likes for things to follow my plans, in my time.

All of it at once though…

It’s a lot.

I feel like I could handle this out-of-control-ness either personally or professionally…but both is wearing me down.

:/

So self. Game plan.

At School: Let go of the unknowns for next year. God knows where you’ll be next year. What room, what grade level…what school, what profession. {Ha! I mostly threw those last two in for a giggle.} Don’t add to your plate by thinking about what’s to come.

With Your Students: Reminder. You can’t control everything. Focus in on what you can control…desk arrangement, schedule, work load, etc…and make adjustments to those until you see positive changes for the kids. Focus in on what you can release…on what you can ask for help on…on which battles aren’t worth fighting. Release yourself {gasp} from some of the expectations you generally hold your classroom too…until your kids show they have the self-control to handle some of the things you’d like them to get to do. Pray, pray, pray…and remember that it is not your job to raise these kids.

With Adoption: Press onward. God is with you. It’s out of your control because it’s IN God’s control. Run the race at His pace. He knows when that finish line is…the one with the baby that He has for you to raise. Pray & watch for each step He’d have you to take, trust the wisdom of those He has to lead you through the process.

Whew.

Today it is really mostly about work. But if I’m honest, given much thought, it could teeter to the adoption side pretty easily.

Tomorrow is a new day though…thank you for that Jesus.

Blessed am I.

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