Change me Lord.

Once a group of my girls from church got together to pray for our husbands. It was a legit thing…done in a spirit of love & understanding that our husband’s were facing some pretty big battles personally, culturally, in their work environments, etc. {Not done to air out all of our dirty laundry & ‘girl-can-you-believe-what-he-did’ snaps.} We prayed silently for almost an hour, using prayer prompts to guide us along the way. It was a really sweet, sweet time.

When we were finished, and kind of debriefing over some type of tasty dessert {hello, we are girls after all} there was one thing that kept coming up over and over.

We thought we were there to pray for and lift up our husbands. But that God of ours…He kept turning our prayers back to ourselves.

I’d start out praying for Chris to feel more fulfilled in his work and end up praying that God would give me the discipline to regularly recognize and thank him for sacrificing doing a job that isn’t always his fav so that he can support our family.

I’d start out praying that Chris would be able to release some of his struggles surrounding the wreck he was in as a teenager and end up praying that I would be more empathetic to him in his moments of pain, because he didn’t always feel that from me.

What we realized is that all of those things we want for our husbands…we play a big role in giving those to them (or protecting them from others) by our own actions and words. We realized that while we should pray for our husbands, we should also pray for ourselves as we live out our day to day role of being their wives.

Make me more like you Lord, so that I can be the type of wife you call me to be in Your Word.

And so I kind of had a full circle moment last night when, as I prayed for our baby, my prayers began to follow that familiar path…and I ended up praying for myself as a mother.

Since I won’t be the one to carry my baby, I must admit that I do battle some fears over what type of things the baby will be exposed to in the womb & what type of pre-natal care he/she will receive. I was praying along those lines (which I don’t believe is wrong to do, and I will continue to do for sure…) & praying for the baby into childhood and teen years when it hit me that I was praying with a heart that was hoping for perfection. For no struggle. For God to spare us and our child of more pain and let everyday be a happy day.

But that’s not to be found in this world.

Even if our baby is born & is completely healthy (God willing!), he/she will face struggles. Health issues pop up. Emotional issues pop up. Learning issue pop up. Adopted or biological…it matters not. We are human…and we are not perfect.

The “American church,” myself included, has a tendency to pray (almost above all else) to be comfortable above all else. We don’t want to face strife…and we’re certainly not going to ask for it. But, as I’ve recently been reminded with this new adventure, God shines in the midst of strife. Jesus’s life wasn’t safe or comfortable…and He’s our model of Christian living.

So there came a point in my prayer when I had to say “Lord, I really want my baby to be healthy…I want him/her to have the best start in life with proper nourishment & the chance to develop without harmful substances introduced into his/her system. I know that you could protect our baby from harm if you chose to, that you could provide everything he/she needs even if the birthmom doesn’t. But I also recognize Lord that…you might not. That at some point you will allow adversity into his/her life…and ours…whether as a baby or further down the road as a child or teenager or adult. There’s a big part of me that doesn’t like that God. But I know that you are good & that I can trust you. Your will Lord.”

Once I followed that thought all the way through…submitted myself again to God {whew…you’d think I’d have gotten the memo by now right?}…it was then that He turned my prayers back to myself.

Because the thing is, I don’t know what specific struggles my child will face.

But God does.

God knows who our baby will be. He knows exactly what struggles he/she will face…He knows the things He will allow in His grace to draw our child closer to Him.

And God can do a work in me…He can prepare me and give me a heart for our child’s specific needs & struggles.

So while I will continue to pray for a healthy pregnancy and baby,  and as I continue to submit myself to God’s will and plan, I will be praying that God would begin to prepare Chris & I to be the parents He would have us to be…that our baby will need.

Make me more like you Lord, so that I can be the type of momma you call me to be in Your Word.

You are good Lord.

Blessed am I.

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