I hesitate to even post this…for several reasons. (Most of which tie back to it being too much information for some and a short lived emotion.)
But, since I’m documenting this journey, I figured why not be real.
One month ago, after a visit with my doctor on choices for managing my PCOS, I went back on birth control. It wasn’t my first choice…and I have been less than thrilled with having to do it. I don’t know that it will be a long term solution for me. But the most important thing was that I needed. the periods. to stop. Having multiple periods in a month (yes, you read that correctly) wasn’t doing much to help my already heightened emotional and mental state. And after dealing with crazy cycles for the entire year I had been off of the pill, I was over it.
So, I went back on…basically making our *highly* improbable chances of natural conception just-this-side-of-impossible.
Knowing this information didn’t stop Chris from throwing out the comment that maybe….just maybe….we would get pregnant the “easy way.” “Who knows?!” he said…”you could be pregnant right now!”
We both knew I wasn’t.
Oh denial…rearing it’s ugly head.
See, when I was having a bazillion periods, and they were coming all willy-nilly at totally unpredictable times, I prayed that they would stop. It came to a point where it wasn’t even about a baby. I just desperately wanted the periods to stop. (whereas a lot of women I’ve read about have been more desperate for a baby…)
This month…it was different.
For the first time, I was waiting on a period to come, and I knew exactly when it should be coming.
And so when it didn’t come right away…….I started to let my mind wonder “what if?”
“I do have one leftover pregnancy test…” I thought Monday evening. “If it doesn’t come by Wednesday morning (the day I’m supposed to start a new pack) I’ll go ahead and take the test. Even if we do end up pregnant, we’ll still adopt one day. God has called us to it, I’m sure.”
Tuesday morning dawned…and brought with it exactly what I should have been expecting. My period.
The letdown feeling of sadness and frustration, although short-lived, was both unexpected and maddening…and new for me. I knew what was inevitable…I have peace about our choice to pursue adoption…and I was mad that I would even set myself up for such heart ache.
I’ve read about denial being one of the stages of grief…and it’s one in which I didn’t spend a whole lot of time.
Guess I went back for a little visit.
But, in the end, I did what had to be done. Swished back a couple of naproxyns, put on my big girl panties (figuratively, of course), and went on with it. I pray I won’t let that happen to me again though…at least in that particular way.
I know that God CAN do the impossible. I want to have faith in that characteristic of His nature. But as I’ve seen God reveal His will for us, it has been moving us away from a pregnancy and toward an adoption. It’s the balance of acknowledging His power to do the seemingly impossible (pregnancy) and trusting/joining Him in the call to step out in faith (adoption)…all at the same time…that is a bit hard to navigate at times.
Such is life. But we’re getting there.
Blessed am I.