In my skin. {part 2}

Today’s post…maybe not so happy.

*Sigh*

We’ve had a hard couple of days. Even though we know adoption is God’s plan for us and we are moving towards that, there are still moments when this whole thing is…overwhelming. Maddening. Heartbreaking. Frustrating. Tiring.

I’ll preface this by saying that God is still so good…He’s still at work…He’s still bringing meaning & joy & purpose through our infertility…and more days than not I am able to walk in that confidence.

I don’t cry as much…but I still cry.

Throughout this process I’ve experienced a new range of emotions…I’ve felt much more raw and out of control than I ever have before. Looking back, I can see how God has been preparing me for over a year now for this season, for this set of decisions. Without that preparation {or, more specifically, without Him} I don’t think we would be nearly so far along in figuring out our place in all this.

Even with that prep, I still had the breathe knocked out of me for a quite a while. There was no way I could have guessed what it would be like to live in this skin.

In this skin, I have felt…

~weary…tired…worn

~as though I didn’t even have the words that I needed to explain what I was thinking / feeling

~isolated

~pulled in completely opposite directions…as though I’m living right smack in the middle of a battle

~weak & helpless

~heartbroken…for myself, for Chris, for our families, for the loss of biological children, for the loss an adopted child will suffer, for the birth family…for the brokenness in this world that causes situations like this…

~uncomfortable…which, oddly, was kind of comforting…I don’t believe God calls us to a life of pure ‘comfort’ all the time…

~out of control

~just plain ol’ mad

The helpless, out-of-control, & mad are the newer feelings. :{

Last night I had a little pity party about it. Chris was a champ…he warmed up my snotty wash-cloth 5 or 6 times, sat by as I blew my nose into no less than 30 Kleenex, brought me water & medicine for my headache, and listened patiently as I said “And something else that makes me mad is…” over and over for almost an hour. {He also started laughing toward the end about all of the weird snorts & squeaks I kept making as I cried…but he made up for it by letting Huxley get up in the bed and snuggle with us.}

It left me with big ol’ puffy eyes this morning. It was cathartic. And yet, honestly, I’m still struggling to let go of some of the things that are upsetting me.

But…I will.

I will because I don’t have another option (besides become a bitter ol’ mess I guess…but that’s not really an option in my book). Because this is just a season. Because some of what I want to be mad about just seriously doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life, much less eternity.

Because I have a feeling God is just going to keep prying everything that I want to hold onto out of my clenched fists…because He wants it all.

Because He wants me to be more like Him, and less like messy me. Because He loves me and has a plan for me.

And because He is getting me {and Chris} ready for that baby…the one that He has to be ours.

That’s a lot of because’s.

I am not without hope. Praise Jesus for that.

I am without control…of the timeline, of the number of people it is going to take to match us with a precious baby, of making all of this “okay.” The flesh-part of me doesn’t particularly like feeling out of control…

I will have to learn the balance of hope and faith vs. guarding my heart…which means I may not get to plan for & set up a nursery and buy all the fun little baby things the way I would have liked to. (Which means within a clearly set time-frame & without second-guessing every move…when it’s too soon, rather or not it will have attachments to a baby that might not come home with us, etc. etc.)

Parts of this whole thing just really suck.

But, to tie this up with some sort of messy bow, I recognize that my feelings are just that…feelings. They aren’t necessarily absolutes or truths or even realistic. I can’t let them rule me.

And, in the wise words of a preacher I heard a month or so ago…

“If you have the why, you can tolerate/survive any how.”

I know the why. With God’s help, I will survive the how.

Blessed am I.

Advertisements

One thought on “In my skin. {part 2}

  1. I think you have a great perspective! I really love this post! I feel for you, as my tendency when stuggles arise is to wish they had never come to me, but then my desire to not become bitter and ugly is even more powerful, so the only option I am left with is to relenquish control! Its hard! So thankful we have a good God to put our trust and hope in. It is so comforting to rest in the fact that His plans are good for us! Praying for you and your husband friend and I am excited to follow how God brings you the child He has planned for since the beginning!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s