This momentary marriage.

*sigh*

I really wish I had had more time to blog throughout this whole process. So many thoughts have passed through this head of mine…and I know I’ve already lost some of them. So, I guess all I can do is pray and trust that God will help me remember what was important in this process…what is true…what is of Him.

Last weekend was a rough one for me. But as I mentioned in my last post, God spoke to me clearly through something I was reading. {That “something” was ‘This Momentary Marriage’ by John Piper.} I haven’t read the whole thing yet; anxious as I was to get to the part about childbearing. What I read literally changed my life…I mean, truly changed my life…and put words to the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head lately.

The short version is this…there are primary things in life, and there are secondary things in life.

Primary = Eternal // Secondary = Momentary

One of the primary purposes of marriage is demonstrating the covenant love of Chris and the church. Another primary purpose of marriage is to invest in the spiritual growth of children. (Here’s where my ears really started to prick up…)

While childbearing is a means through which God provides children, childbearing in itself is not primary. It is a secondary calling that He places on the lives of some women/families, but it is not an absolute. Pregnancy itself is but a momentary gift…and to make it anything other than that is to turn it into an idol in your (aka – MY life).

Another way to put it is this (thanks John Piper): the goal in regards to children is not simply to increase the number of people on the planet, but to increase the number of CHRIST FOLLOWERS on the planet.

So, when you look at it in that light, Chris & I can complete the primary command to make followers of Christ, even if we have not been called to the secondary purpose of bearing our own biological children.

That revelation excited me and challenged me and confirmed within me that adoption is the plan God has for Chris & I.

One of the things that has been hard on me, in particular, is that we have a distinct choice to make when it comes to building our family. We have not reached the end of any/all medical treatments, and we’ve been told that our chances of succeeded with in vitro are relatively high. So, as I’ve sensed more and more that in vitro is not where God is leading us, it has been difficult for me put it out there that we are walking away and closing that door.

Initially in this process, I thought we’d give in vitro a shot. Chris, even up to the last week or so, said he would like to keep that door open for the future. But with all of my research and thinking, there are just certain aspects of it that I have never been able to reconcile within myself. Truth be told, I just really didn’t want to have to make the final choice, have that final say. It would have just been so much easier if we’d never had the option for in vitro.

So, to read those words, to finally understand that while there is a part of me that is sad I will not get to experience a physical pregnancy and look into the eyes of a child who is a biological combination of Chris and I, there is a bigger part of me who recognizes that God can bring such beauty, and be so magnified, by building our family in a different way. To realize that I can be a momma, in every sense of the word that has eternal value, to a baby or babies.

And in that moment God settled my spirit. In the days since, He has been the one to shut the door on in vitro and biological children…just as He is the one opening new doors for our family through adoption.  

Just to even type that causes me to realize that I am not  who I was before…not who I was 6 years ago when I met Chris, 3 years ago when we got married, 1 year ago when we started not ‘not’ trying for a baby, 1 1/2 months ago when we received our diagnosis, or even 1 week ago when I was crying out to God from a place of fear.

He is making me new. I pray I am beginning to look even just a little more like Him.

Blessed am I.

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2 thoughts on “This momentary marriage.

  1. Just found your blog and am looking forward to following your journey! Recently came across a short, touching video of a couple talked about how this book had deeply impacted them, I will have to add it to my reading list! 🙂

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