Making progress.

Overall, I’d say today has been a happy day.

Chris has been in a refreshingly good & chipper mood (even starting from the moment he woke up, which is not always the case! Ha!), I’m on the countdown to Thanksgiving break, and I have an Advent ornament exchange party to attend in a few minutes.

Tomorrow I need to call the agency we are hoping to work with to make sure they have received all of our reference letters…we have at least confirmed that they’ve all been mailed. I sent in the $$ needed to reserve our orientation spot…and Chris and I had a really great conversation about what this whole thing could look like budget wise. Looking into some ways to tighten up the cash flow (might be saying buh-bye to cable soon), considering some simple & fun fundraisers (because you can’t say fundraisers without  “fun” right?!), and praising God that although spending this type of money is not ideal…it is far from impossible. Years ago when we began following Dave Ramsey’s budgeting plan, God only knew why it would be important for us to be out from commercial and as much student debt as possible.

It’s scary and feels a little like we’re standing at the edge of a cliff…but tonight we joined together in saying that if God is calling us to it, He will provide a way through it.

That felt good.

Blessed am I.

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Jesus was adopted.

Had you ever realized that before?

I’m sure I’ve heard that in a sermon at some point in time, but it’s never really made a big impression on me I guess. Until now.

It’s true though…Jesus was adopted by Joseph. And Joseph adopted Jesus.

{The day I read this is “Adopted for Life” by Russell Moore I called Chris in happy tears…Joseph was called to the same type of fatherhood as Chris has been called to…what amazing company to be in!}

So…to follow that all the way through…Chris and I can look to Joseph as a biblical example of a parent adopting a child and raising him/her as our own.

And our future child(ren) can look to Jesus as a biblical example of a child who was adopted. Down the road, on days when they might feel confused or misunderstood, they will be able to call on their GOD…their SAVIOR…their JESUS…and know that He too has experienced the mystery of a love that is without blood or biology.

It’s incredible.

I knew when we started looking into adoption that there were beautiful spiritual parallels…that I myself have been adopted into God’s family through the blood of Jesus Christ, and that as an adopted daughter I am an heir to Christ. What I had never fully recognized is that there is s also a beautiful physical parallel between Jesus and adoption.

I love it.

So today, as I sat out my Christmas decorations and little nativity scenes, I couldn’t help but marvel in wonder at this God of mine. My spirit praised Him for revealing Himself to me in this new way. And for maybe the first time, I was able to look past Mary and the calling God had placed on her life…and at the awesome task He called Joseph to. No longer is Joseph just another figure in the stable…he is an example of hope and strength and commitment to do what the Lord asks of you.

nativity

I never would have thought that I would be able to relate more closely to Joseph than to Mary…but here I am.

Blessed am I.

Life is weird.

It’s not even 8 o’clock, and I’m already in bed drinking a hot almond tea & nursing a cold. Since I’m pretty sure I am going to be asleep before I’m even able to hit “publish” on this post, and since I’m still in a weird mood, I decided today would be a good time to write about some of the weird experiences I’ve had while on this infertility roller coaster. Can’t let all this wackiness be forgotten, right?!

*The specialist said I had “rock star ovaries.” I don’t think that requires further explanation into why it’s weird.

*While we were waiting on all of our test results to come back, one of my coworkers (who had no idea what was going on) came to me and said she’d had this really weird dream. Basically, in the dream, Chris & I wanted a baby really bad but found out we weren’t going to be able to have one. I was really upset, so she decided she would get pregnant and have a baby for me (in the dream, of course)…only when she told me, at 9 months pregnant, I told her that I didn’t want her baby. And apparently, I said it pretty rudely, because she woke up angry at me. {Later she also dreamed that she tried to give me other people’s babies, but I wouldn’t take any of those either. What a baby diva! *wink*}

Of course, when she’s telling me this, my heart was just pounding and my head was about to explode. When I explained just how weird it really was that she would be dreaming that, we both decided that we were sufficiently freaked out…and that she should probably stop trying to dream about me.

*My middle-aged uncle (who has kids in high school) had a new baby born on the same day Chris & I found out our official diagnosis of infertility. What can you say…life is just weird sometimes. {I haven’t met the baby yet, but she looks like a real cutie in pictures!}

*Not that this is that weird, because most of my friends are married and of “baby-making age” (it’s kind of weird and awkward that I would even write that, but it fits in with the feel of today’s post, so I’m leaving it)…two of my friends found out they were pregnant since all this really got started earlier this fall. It took both of them a while to make it happen, so I was (and am) very excited for them. A little hard to swallow at times, not going to lie…but I would never begrudge them just because of what I have going on in my life. Sometimes I just look at them and think “Wow…you are literally making a baby right now…”

It’s kind of weird to think about. But those babies are going to be so blessed by the feisty, spunky mommas they’ve got…

*One day, before one of our appts at the fertility specialist, we dropped Huxley off for a little puppy play date at our friend’s house. As we left, they offered us some fresh eggs from the farm. “No thanks,” I joked…”turns out I’ve got plenty of eggs.”

Badum bum.

Infertility humor. Gotta love it.

*I had to have a test done on my tubes…basically to make sure they weren’t blocked. My doctor literally told me to take aspirin for a day leading up to the procedure, then to have a margarita before. Hey, doctors orders. 😉 I had a friend go with me in case I felt uncomfortable and didn’t want to drive after the procedure. She decided that everyone in the office probably thought we were “partners”…so I really did kind of freak out when the nurse asked if I wanted her to come back with me into the room. Yikes!

That whole procedure was just a series of unfortunate events. First the nurse misread my pregnancy test (they do one before the procedure) and thought I was pregnant. That was a great moment. 😛 Then she had me undress from the waist down, wrap that paper blanket thing around me, and shuffle across the hallway to the room where the procedure was going to be done. When the doctor came in, he asked me where I was going to deliver the baby. “I’m sorry, but am I pregnant?!” was my response…”Oh no no, you aren’t pregnant…but you are going to be.” he said.

Oh geez.

Once the procedure began {can we say *highly* uncomfortable?!} I thought the nurse told me that I was going to have to stand up for a couple of minutes. Not exactly sure how that was supposed to happen, I decided it would be best just to grit my teeth and go for it…but right as I went to swing my legs out of the stir-ups both she and the doctor started yelling “No! Don’t move!”

Turns out she had said I only needed to “stand it” for a couple of minutes.

My bad.

*In the little “meeting room” at the fertility specialist, they have baby pictures everywhere. Lots of twins & triplets represented on those walls. Oddly, there was also a baby whose picture looked remarkably similar to one of Chris’ baby pictures. That felt a little twilight-zoneish.

*******************

Yep. I think that’s a good place to end it for the night.

Life is weird.

God is good.

Blessed am I.

In my skin. {part 2}

Today’s post…maybe not so happy.

*Sigh*

We’ve had a hard couple of days. Even though we know adoption is God’s plan for us and we are moving towards that, there are still moments when this whole thing is…overwhelming. Maddening. Heartbreaking. Frustrating. Tiring.

I’ll preface this by saying that God is still so good…He’s still at work…He’s still bringing meaning & joy & purpose through our infertility…and more days than not I am able to walk in that confidence.

I don’t cry as much…but I still cry.

Throughout this process I’ve experienced a new range of emotions…I’ve felt much more raw and out of control than I ever have before. Looking back, I can see how God has been preparing me for over a year now for this season, for this set of decisions. Without that preparation {or, more specifically, without Him} I don’t think we would be nearly so far along in figuring out our place in all this.

Even with that prep, I still had the breathe knocked out of me for a quite a while. There was no way I could have guessed what it would be like to live in this skin.

In this skin, I have felt…

~weary…tired…worn

~as though I didn’t even have the words that I needed to explain what I was thinking / feeling

~isolated

~pulled in completely opposite directions…as though I’m living right smack in the middle of a battle

~weak & helpless

~heartbroken…for myself, for Chris, for our families, for the loss of biological children, for the loss an adopted child will suffer, for the birth family…for the brokenness in this world that causes situations like this…

~uncomfortable…which, oddly, was kind of comforting…I don’t believe God calls us to a life of pure ‘comfort’ all the time…

~out of control

~just plain ol’ mad

The helpless, out-of-control, & mad are the newer feelings. :{

Last night I had a little pity party about it. Chris was a champ…he warmed up my snotty wash-cloth 5 or 6 times, sat by as I blew my nose into no less than 30 Kleenex, brought me water & medicine for my headache, and listened patiently as I said “And something else that makes me mad is…” over and over for almost an hour. {He also started laughing toward the end about all of the weird snorts & squeaks I kept making as I cried…but he made up for it by letting Huxley get up in the bed and snuggle with us.}

It left me with big ol’ puffy eyes this morning. It was cathartic. And yet, honestly, I’m still struggling to let go of some of the things that are upsetting me.

But…I will.

I will because I don’t have another option (besides become a bitter ol’ mess I guess…but that’s not really an option in my book). Because this is just a season. Because some of what I want to be mad about just seriously doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of life, much less eternity.

Because I have a feeling God is just going to keep prying everything that I want to hold onto out of my clenched fists…because He wants it all.

Because He wants me to be more like Him, and less like messy me. Because He loves me and has a plan for me.

And because He is getting me {and Chris} ready for that baby…the one that He has to be ours.

That’s a lot of because’s.

I am not without hope. Praise Jesus for that.

I am without control…of the timeline, of the number of people it is going to take to match us with a precious baby, of making all of this “okay.” The flesh-part of me doesn’t particularly like feeling out of control…

I will have to learn the balance of hope and faith vs. guarding my heart…which means I may not get to plan for & set up a nursery and buy all the fun little baby things the way I would have liked to. (Which means within a clearly set time-frame & without second-guessing every move…when it’s too soon, rather or not it will have attachments to a baby that might not come home with us, etc. etc.)

Parts of this whole thing just really suck.

But, to tie this up with some sort of messy bow, I recognize that my feelings are just that…feelings. They aren’t necessarily absolutes or truths or even realistic. I can’t let them rule me.

And, in the wise words of a preacher I heard a month or so ago…

“If you have the why, you can tolerate/survive any how.”

I know the why. With God’s help, I will survive the how.

Blessed am I.

In my skin. {part 1}

Today a friend of my mother-in-law’s…who has been praying for Chris & I alongside Debbie since she shared with them our infertility struggles & the decisions we were facing (as well as faithfully praying for my challenging class at school this year) sat down at church to talk with me. Although we just spoke for a few minutes, I was so encouraged by her words. She spoke life. She spoke the truth of who God is, the truth that He is in control, and (although she didn’t say this directly) the truth that God has chosen Chris & I for such a time as this. I appreciated it more than she knew.

One of the comments she made about all I’ve been facing/trying to sort through and deal with was “I don’t know what’s it’s like to be in your skin.” That got me thinking, for several reasons…but I’m only going to share one of them tonight, because this girl is *tired!*

Several of my close family & friends have told me that they just don’t really know what to say to me {in regards to our infertility/loss}. They hurt for us, they want to support us, and yet…they don’t know what to say to us. What they often don’t know is that, by their acknowledgement, they are doing exactly what I need…and that’s what this sweet lady did today. She admitted that she doesn’t totally know what it’s like to be me…but she shared a part of her life story to show that she could empathize with me, and she spoke God’s truth to me.

I don’t expect others to have all the answers for me, or to be able to “fix” this new reality in our life…because they can’t. I don’t wish that they could fully understand, because I wouldn’t wish the pain & loss we’ve experienced on anyone else.

What has meant the most to me is when people have said…in one way or another…”I don’t know what this is like for you…but I want you to know that I love you, and I’m here for you, and I’m praying for you.” It’s the people who have just cried with me, who have been okay with me when I was sad and quiet and not sure what to say, and who have faithfully prayed for us…it’s those people who have been the hands and feet of Christ in my life over the last several months.

And now…it is incredible to witness those same people begin to rejoice with us as we share with them the new calling God has placed on our life.

Even just a few short months ago I didn’t fully know what it was like to stare infertility in the face. I didn’t know what I would need from others, what comments would sting, or what would make me break down in tears. I had never really faced anything that required so much of me or cost me so dearly.

I pray that I never forget what it was like to be in this skin…and that when I encounter others who are facing their own trials & struggles I will be able to show them the undeniable love of Christ, just as it has been shown to me.

*******************************************

There’s been one other special friend…one that has walked this road before…in a way that is so closely aligned to the circumstances that have brought Chris & I to this point. I can’t hit “publish” on this post without giving glory & praise to God for placing her in my life. In many ways, she “knows this skin.” She has come alongside me and told me that I’m not alone, that I’m not crazy, that I’m not abnormal when I can’t stop crying and don’t know why.

When she and her husband were in the midst of their storm, she had a friend telling her that one day there would be a couple who would need them…who God would place in their life to minister to and speak the truth of hope and healing and love and babies and Jesus.

We are that couple.

There may be others, but for now, in this moment, we are those people. And they have shown us that, with Christ, it is possible to walk through this fire and come out on the other side stronger. Their lives are a testament to the beauty that God brings from the ashes.

I have been so blessed by their testimony, and I just don’t know that in this world I’ll ever be able to thank them enough for sharing in our struggle in a very real and personal way. The best way I know to show them my appreciation is to commit to the Lord that if He ever sends a hurting couple our way…I will speak the truth of hope and healing and love and babies and Jesus.

Blessed am I.

Here…now…in this skin…blessed, blessed am I.

Breaking my will.

I’ve always “joked” that I never realized how stubborn I was until I got married. My momma would probably argue that we’ve known it all along…she’s sworn by James Dobson’s “The Strong-Willed Child” ever since she had to read it when I was a toddler.

I also am a plaaaaaaaaner. Like for real. And, usually, my plans work out.

So between my stubbornness and my tendency to plan things out to the -nth degree…I’d say that a weakness of mine would be choosing to have “loose hands.” By that, I mean holding my will & plans in open palms; placing everything at the feet of Christ for Him to do with what He pleases. I tend to be more like a child, holding things tightly in my fists.

Just this weekend, I have worked my way around to a new understanding of what God has been doing in my life through infertility and as He has led us to adoption.

I had a little help in arriving at this understanding from my kinders. I have 18 kids in my class this year, and they are tough cookies. I love ’em, but they have been the most challenging class I’ve ever taught. More and more, it becomes apparent that the core of what makes them a hard group is that they see themselves as the boss, as opposed to the adults who are actually in authority over them. I see it when they try to tell me “no,” when they do the opposite of what I tell them to do before the words are all the way out of my mouth, when they act like my directions and expectations are for everyone ‘except them.’

And somewhere, between trying to figure out what I’m going to do this next week to make it a better week for all of us, and between the sermon & Sunday school lesson and all the reading I’ve been doing, I realized that I haven’t been all that different from them.

I try to tell God “no.” Even when I don’t say it in words, I say it in spirit and in action when I think my way is better than what He has for me…or when I think that His commands are for others, but don’t see how they fit into my life. I don’t always yield automatically to His authority in my life. If I’m honest, I struggle with seeing Him as the boss of my life…because *I* want to be the boss of me.

So when all of this infertility business came up, my fleshly, natural tendency was to want God to submit to my will. When it came right down to it, I didn’t want to give up the pregnancy experience. I wanted to tell everyone I was pregnant in a fun way, to chase Chris around the house with a big ol’ belly (he has always been freaked out by pregnant bellies), to feel a baby kick inside me, to eat whatever I wanted because I was “eating for two,” to experience the miracle of having a child formed in my womb, to have ultrasounds, a birth story to share when my friends start talking about theirs…to have the chance to breast feed. I wanted things to tick along according to the typical “plan” or timeline that happens with pregnancy. I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it, the way I wanted it.

What a child

So God began to do in my the same thing my parents did when I was a toddler, the same thing I have to do with the kinders in my class…He began to break my will. He began to show me that it wasn’t just about what I wanted. That, as a follower of Christ, I’m not “the boss.” That I must yield myself to Him as the authority in my life.

And the thing is, He was doing it for my good. It wasn’t about breaking my spirit, or about denying me the desires of my heart…it was (and is!) all about bringing me to a point of submission so that God’s will can reign in me and so that He can be glorified.

I reached a point in the struggle when I understood Jesus’ prayer to God in the garden in a new and very real way. As I began to sense God closing the door on pregnancy, I began to cry out in pain. “Oh God…isn’t there any other way?” It wasn’t that I didn’t want to adopt, it was just so unfathomable to me to think that I would not get the experience of being pregnant. My cries were the guttural sounds of a child screaming out to “Abba.” (*As explained in “Adopted for Life”)

As I cried out to Him, and as He continued to break my will in the way only a just, firm, and loving Father can, my prayers began to acknowledge His will as greater than my own. Then, one day, they became that of a daughter submitted to her Daddy…and I was able to pray “not my will, but yours.”

More specifically (and on a humorous note) I began to give over, and commit, my uterus to God. Seriously. It happened at church when we were singing a song about committing our eyes to Christ, our mouths, our hands…everything to His service. During the invitation, I walked down to the alter and committed my uterus to His service. (Possibly the first time that’s ever happened at FBC?! Haha!) Once I willingly turned my body over to God and to His purposes, I began to feel myself heal. I also began to sense an understanding that my uterus is not part of God’s plan for our family; at least not at this point in time.

There was grieving with that realization…hard, real grief that gripped me for a period of time. But praise God, because of Jesus Christ I didn’t have to grieve without hope, or alone.

Then one afternoon, after a particularly hard couple of days, God settled my spirit and called me out of the mourning. The days since have not been without moments of sadness or wistfulness, but they have been full of a new hope for the future God has planned for us.

My prayer as we move forward is that I hold onto God tightly, but onto the “plans” and my fears loosely. I also continue to pray for Chris…as God began to reconcile everything within me, Chris entered his own form of the grief stage. I believe that God is at work healing him even now, and I thank God that He promises to come alongside Chris and I in all things, infertility and adoption included.

And then there’s the one God is preparing us for…the little baby (and one day babies) that He has called to be our children. I already see the beautiful testimony that is rising up for a child that is just a twinkle in our eyes…and I already am so thankful to God for breaking my will, so that I could freely welcome the gift of a child through adoption.

Blessed am I.

squeals of excitement.

I laughed a moment ago when I realized something.

My momma can tell ya, part of the infertility struggle I had to overcome was that, most likely, the element of surprise was saying buh-bye. Some people pull in vitro off as a surprise to people, but with us living an hour away from the clinic (among other things) I didn’t see us being able to do that. Then, with adoption, there is paperwork and references and trainings…and honestly, it’s important that your family be in on those conversations, because they are going to be a part of our child’s life as well.

But I just gotta say, for the creative-party-planning-pinterest-“I’m pregnant”-reveals part of me…it was a hard pill to swallow.

As our decision neared adoption, I tried to keep back our final decision until we could at least tell our parents in person, but we were itching to get the pre-app in and needed them on it as references. (Well, that and Chris just spit it out to his mom one night. Doing things like that is kind of his hobby. Ha!) Mom pretty much knew what was coming…she was a champion for me as I sorted through everything that was floating around in my head. {I just can’t say enough how much she means to me, and how much I look forward to being the kind of mom she has taught me to be!} She was 100% on board, and was excited to hear that we were moving forward.

Then there was that Daddy of mine…he’s a man of few words, but when the occasion calls for it, he speaks with such strength and wisdom and resolve. He spoke strength into our choice, and pledged his commitment to support us and love on the baby that will come into our family. He is a good, good dad. I’ve been able to face this situation in part because of the strength with which he raised me.

flowers

The *beautiful* bouquet that my family had delivered to me the day we mailed in our pre-application. Thank you Momma for recognizing & celebrating the exciting start this is for us! They were a completely unexpected & wholeheartedly welcomed gift!

Chris has done most of the talking with his family, but in the times I have spoken with them they have joined us agreement that this is the plan for our family. They are prayer warriors for me, and for us, and now for our baby-to-be. I love my in-laws!

We felt it was important to go ahead and tell our siblings & their spouses our decision as well, especially since we needed to involve several people outside our family for the references on the application. What we have received from them is nothing short of excitement and support.

And my sister-in-laws, along with my dear sweet friend who has been blessed with two daughters through adoption, reacted just how I react when a friend tells me they are pregnant.

They squealed.

The squeals just may be one of my favorite parts. They made me giggle and make me smile / cry happy tears as I sit here and type this…because I was worried I wouldn’t get squeals.

But my God thinks of everything….

He’s good like that.

Blessed am I.

….and, I have no doubt, I’m going to find some fun ways to insert an element of surprise somewhere in this process. 🙂

Under Attack.

I believe in spiritual warfare. And while I don’t think it’s something ‘new’ in my life, I have seen evidence of it in a much more real way within the last few weeks.

The last thing I want to do is give the enemy power through my words, so I’m not going to get into the nitty-gritty details of the ways he has attacked Chris & I during this time. But without a doubt in my mind, we have been under attack.

Our God is not a God of fearbut the enemy thrives on it. We struggled with many fears in our initial talks about what adoption would look like for our family. Praise be to God that He paved this way for us long before we knew it was the path He had for us. He placed believers in our lives who could speak truth about adoption and God’s heart, and He has ministered to us further through His word and music. As we step out in faith and move forward in this process, I know ‘fear’ will likely be lurking around many corners…so I will continue to pray it out of our lives.

Our God is not a God of contentionbut the enemy spurs it on. One night, after talking with our preacher & his wife and really settling some of our lingering thoughts and feelings regarding in vitro & adoption, we came home and unexpectedly found ourselves in the middle of what I can only describe as the weirdest fight we have ever had. (Like that honesty? I didn’t even call it a ‘discussion.’) A topic came up that was not new to our marriage, but was new to our adoption conversations. And literally, it was like everything imploded. At one point, adoption (which we had already agreed was where this was all going) was threatened to be yanked off of the table…even though we both knew that wasn’t how we felt about it at all.

Once again, praise be to God. We had gone to separate rooms for a few minutes but were both facing major battles in our heads as we tried to settle ourselves. Then, it hit us, almost at the exact same time…we had been under attack.

We immediately came back together and began talking about the root of the disagreement, about our true resolve regarding adoption, and apologized to one another for allowing Satan to have a foothold into our marriage in that area. It was incredibly eye-opening to us, and ended up serving as more confirmation for us that we are following God’s will in this area of our life.

When God is moving, and when we are seeking Him, the enemy moves against it. His very interest in our circumstances verifies that God is moving. And praise God, praise God…my God will win. Satan will be defeated in my life and in our marriage through the blood of Jesus Christ, and I pray God’s provision and protection over our marriage as we move forward with adoption.  My God is bigger than anything the enemy can throw at us…and with God for us, he cannot stand against us.

Oh, the power and peace we felt that night as we came together to pray the enemy out of our decision and home and family. What he sought to destroy God built up that night. In the days since, Chris and I have entered into as sweet a time of marriage as we’ve ever had. We are enjoying a time of awe and communion with our Lord, inviting Him into our family in a very real, day-to-day kind of way. Miracle upon miracle people. Miracles are happening. I believe that.

So, today, the day I had big plans to mail off our pre-application to the agency we feel called to be a part of, it really came as no great surprise to find out that my car had a flat tire.

But, you better believe, I made sure that letter got mailed.

And I don’t think we’ve stopped smiling yet.

Blessed am I.

This momentary marriage.

*sigh*

I really wish I had had more time to blog throughout this whole process. So many thoughts have passed through this head of mine…and I know I’ve already lost some of them. So, I guess all I can do is pray and trust that God will help me remember what was important in this process…what is true…what is of Him.

Last weekend was a rough one for me. But as I mentioned in my last post, God spoke to me clearly through something I was reading. {That “something” was ‘This Momentary Marriage’ by John Piper.} I haven’t read the whole thing yet; anxious as I was to get to the part about childbearing. What I read literally changed my life…I mean, truly changed my life…and put words to the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head lately.

The short version is this…there are primary things in life, and there are secondary things in life.

Primary = Eternal // Secondary = Momentary

One of the primary purposes of marriage is demonstrating the covenant love of Chris and the church. Another primary purpose of marriage is to invest in the spiritual growth of children. (Here’s where my ears really started to prick up…)

While childbearing is a means through which God provides children, childbearing in itself is not primary. It is a secondary calling that He places on the lives of some women/families, but it is not an absolute. Pregnancy itself is but a momentary gift…and to make it anything other than that is to turn it into an idol in your (aka – MY life).

Another way to put it is this (thanks John Piper): the goal in regards to children is not simply to increase the number of people on the planet, but to increase the number of CHRIST FOLLOWERS on the planet.

So, when you look at it in that light, Chris & I can complete the primary command to make followers of Christ, even if we have not been called to the secondary purpose of bearing our own biological children.

That revelation excited me and challenged me and confirmed within me that adoption is the plan God has for Chris & I.

One of the things that has been hard on me, in particular, is that we have a distinct choice to make when it comes to building our family. We have not reached the end of any/all medical treatments, and we’ve been told that our chances of succeeded with in vitro are relatively high. So, as I’ve sensed more and more that in vitro is not where God is leading us, it has been difficult for me put it out there that we are walking away and closing that door.

Initially in this process, I thought we’d give in vitro a shot. Chris, even up to the last week or so, said he would like to keep that door open for the future. But with all of my research and thinking, there are just certain aspects of it that I have never been able to reconcile within myself. Truth be told, I just really didn’t want to have to make the final choice, have that final say. It would have just been so much easier if we’d never had the option for in vitro.

So, to read those words, to finally understand that while there is a part of me that is sad I will not get to experience a physical pregnancy and look into the eyes of a child who is a biological combination of Chris and I, there is a bigger part of me who recognizes that God can bring such beauty, and be so magnified, by building our family in a different way. To realize that I can be a momma, in every sense of the word that has eternal value, to a baby or babies.

And in that moment God settled my spirit. In the days since, He has been the one to shut the door on in vitro and biological children…just as He is the one opening new doors for our family through adoption.  

Just to even type that causes me to realize that I am not  who I was before…not who I was 6 years ago when I met Chris, 3 years ago when we got married, 1 year ago when we started not ‘not’ trying for a baby, 1 1/2 months ago when we received our diagnosis, or even 1 week ago when I was crying out to God from a place of fear.

He is making me new. I pray I am beginning to look even just a little more like Him.

Blessed am I.