Wordless Groans.

Hum…it feels like longer than 4 days since I’ve written. But I’ve gotta say, God has been up to A LOT, even in just the last 48 hours.

He’s so good that way, right?! 🙂

But let me back up a little.

It’s been just about a month since we received our official diagnosis, and in that time…I’ve been a mess. Just a weeping, snotty mess. In some ways (and it sounds so dramatic to say it this way, but it does describe how it feels) I feel like I’ve lived a lifetime in just a few short weeks. I’ve wrestled with what I always thought would be…the opportunity to carry my own child{ren}…and in turn entered into a somewhat unexpected season of grief and loss.

Perhaps never before in my life have I more fully understood what the Bible talks about in Romans 8:26…”In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.”

I’m not usually one at a loss for words, but this struggle has had the tendency to render me speechless. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have the words to express what I’m thinking verbally, much less in prayer.

It’s been interesting to me, that at a time when I need to call out to God the most….I have the least to say. I am weak. I don’t know what I ought to pray for. But the Holy Spirit? God inside me? I have felt His groans. I have sat in the presence of God and just said His name…because it’s all I can muster. And despite my lack of words, I know without a doubt that there has been an exchange. That God has been guiding me and ministering to me. That the Spirit himself has indeed interceded for me.

Praise Him! Praise His Holy Name!

There is no end to His goodness…

Saturday night I had a really rough night. A wake-up-in-the-morning-with-swollen-eyes-because-I-literally-hyperventilated kind of night. I cried my way through church, through a prayer with our newly dear friends who have walked this path before us, and through a call with my mom. And in the midst of it, God directed me to some very clear truths. Truths that addressed some of the exact things I’ve been struggling to sort through & verbalize. He began to open my eyes, help me start making new connections, and prompted me to step outside of myself, outside of the hurt I’ve been feeling, to consider the bigger picture.

It goes back to something I learned a long time ago really.

I’ve been wondering “God, what is your will for US in this circumstance? What would you have US to do?” My focus was on ME…US…OURS. The shift that is happening for me now is from ME/US to HIM. I don’t have to wait for God to send some great “sign” as to what path He would have us take. I need only to look at the heart of God. At where He is already working. At what will magnify Him and bring Him glory through our lives and situation.

It’s not about us.

It’s about Him. It’s about joining Him where He already is.

And once I began to see it in that light, everything is suddenly coming into focus.

God is turning my weeping into joy.


Blessed am I.


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