not NOT trying.

It hit me today that it was right about this time a year ago when Chris and I decided to start “not not trying” to have a baby.

How’s that for a double negative?

We’ve always known that conceiving might not be the easiest thing ever for us…so around our second wedding anniversary I started wondering if we should get started on the process. To me, it was important not to wait until we were desperate for a baby to start trying…just in case our predictions came true.

Chris didn’t quite feel the same way. And, in typical Chris fashion, he pretty much freaked out.

{He has about a six month “incubation period” where big life decisions are involved…even though I know he needs the time to process, he can drive me crazy in the meantime!}

So it came as a shock to me when one night in September, as we were brushing our teeth and getting ready for bed, he looked over at me and nonchalantly asked “When are you going to stop taking those things?” [ie – birth control pills]

And that was that. I wrapped up that final pack of pills and didn’t refill my prescription. We decided that we were “not not trying,” but that we weren’t going to aggressively “try” either. If it happened we would be happy about it, but no baby fever for us. We even tried to keep it to ourselves, just so that we wouldn’t prematurely excite our family or friends…and so that we wouldn’t feel so much pressure if nothing happened…but I think that lasted all of one week. {We’ve got big mouths; what can I say?}

It’s kind of funny to think back on now, but I can remember a time in the spring when my period was about a week late (which was actually a REALLY big deal considering the health issues that started up once I went off of the medicine) and Chris, once again, freaked out.

“But we weren’t trying…we were only not not trying!” he kept saying, over and over again. “How could this happen?!”

Oh you silly, silly husband.

Obviously, it turned out to be nothing and we settled back into the not not trying routine. It wasn’t even baby fever or serious worries over why we weren’t pregnant that caused us to end up sitting in a fertility specialists office…it was my health & the problems I had been having with my cycle.

Somehow, the ‘not not trying’ thing popped up once again…when Chris freaked out because we were thrown so rapidly into the world of fertility specialists and testing and $$$. It really did all happen really quickly, and it was frustrating to him because he felt like we ‘didn’t make a conscious decision to start trying.’

{In my mind, it was the best way it could have happened. It caught me off guard too, but I think it saved us a lot of weeping & gnashing of teeth…I don’t now how I ever would have gotten Chris into that office otherwise.}

But now our days of not not trying are over. There is really no going back to that…not since words like in vitro and adoption and loans and approval and hormone shots have entered our conversations.

So that’s part of our current struggle. Here we are, especially Chris, having to decide that we most definitely are “trying.” That ready or not, it’s time to start socking away some serious money, having some realllly hard conversations, and praying that God will clearly reveal His plan for growing our family…whenever and however that may be.

What would we do without God to see us through this?

Blessed am I.

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