Jesus wept.

Here I am.

On the verge of tears again.

Crying is practically my new hobby.

I’ve read, and been told by others who have walked before me in this, that infertility is a lot like a death. Most likely for us, it’s the death of being able to naturally conceive. To surprise our family & friends with a pregnancy announcement.

For me, what’s hardest to take, is that it could mean the death of ever having the experience of carrying a child…one that is created and formed in my womb. One that is “ours” in every sense of the word.

And so…I cry. I mourn what may never be. I struggle to find my place in this new reality.

It’s not that I can’t make it through the day, or that I don’t laugh, or that I’m not able to praise God through the storm…I do all of those things. It’s more that the grief is just lurking under the surface.

*Sigh*

There is so much about this infertility business that weirds me out. I want so desperately to handle this with grace…to be strong…to show my trust in God. And yet…I can’t stop crying.

And so, the realization that I’m coming to tonight, is that I can give myself permission to mourn. To cry. To hurt.

It’s not wrong.

Jesus experienced loss. Jesus mourned. Jesus wept.

I know that the odds are incredibly high that this is the road God has called Chris & I to…and at the same time I know that He is bigger than any diagnosis a doctor can give. I know that it would be wrong for me to allow myself to become entrenched in this struggle, to allow bitterness to creep into my heart and take root, to mourn without hope.

Then there is Matthew 5:4… “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

So, with that in mind, I know that for now…it is okay to weep. That when I do, I am not weeping alone. That God himself, in the form of the Holy Spirit within me, will bless and comfort me…because HE is my source of hope and strength.

This is just a season. Christ will sustain me.

Blessed am I.

{My spirit has really been ministered to through music over the last several weeks…the song coming from my heart tonight is “Worn,” by Tenth Avenue North.}

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